Self-Kongratulatory

I was shocked, dismayed, heartbroken and crestfallen to learn that I was not being automatically awarded the prestigious “Best K-Blog” title by the Korea Observer’s internationally-renowned K-Blog Awards.  I mean, not even in the top five!  I know I’ve been busy and all but… C’MON!

Wait… waitwaitwait.

What the FUCK?

There’s a fucking K-Blog awards?

I can picture it now.  A room full of sunken-chested, pasty white social rejects from the western world wearing comicbook-themed shirts, rubbing elbows with greasy, fat white chicks who look like they either just crawled out from under a Greenpeace protest bus or from a Forever 21 clearance sale dogpile. Bunch of bloggers jerking themselves off and giving a reach-over to whomever linked back to them.

“Whoa?  You’re ‘SeoulNoodleSucker’?  Man, I love your blog!  Those pictures of kimchi really brought the traditions of this ancient land to light for me.”

“Thank you!  I used a 17mm macro lens with a blue-green filter to really try to bring out the granules of red pepper powder, oh so traditional.  Aum shanti.”

“Did you see ‘MuffinTopEatsKorea’? She’s just keeping it so real with her 24-piece series on temple stay.”

“But I really like…”

It’s only in my head but I want to choke the life out of each one of them, starting with that reprehensible skinny-fat, balding, arrogant fuckwad Adam Carr… choke him with his own neon nunchucks.

You aren’t writers.  You aren’t talented.  You’re desperate to find some validation and relevance in this pathetic ghetto lottery winner kuntry.  You take home your 30 grand a year, in your 30s, and resist the urge to hang yourself from your 4th hand wardrobe with a belt by imagining that, not only is Korean Kulture beautiful and noteworthy (it isn’t), but that people give a motherfuck about your thoughts on it (they don’t).

Best Korean food blog?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Best what?  Roadkill? Tripe?  Compost?  Korean food has one thing going for it, and one thing only, so let me save all you Klown food bloggers a whole lot of screen space:  it contains obscene amounts of a pepper that was only recently introduced to Klown by the Japanese…. and it’s a goddamned good thing too, since that omnipresent pepper brutally assaults and blunt-force-trauma-numbs the taste buds so unforgivingly that someone unfortunate enough to be eating Klown food doesn’t know that they are eating what most countries would literally have in the compost bin or pig slop trough.  That’s it.  Klown food anesthetizes your sense of taste so that you can get it down without gagging.  Want to see something funny?  Watch that Klown show where they send a bunch of brainwashed, bible-thumpy-type Klown fucktards out around the world to forcibly shove bibimbab in the faces of people in places like Europe.  Being polite, in the way one might to the friendly advances of a severely developmentally-delayed child, watch as the Europeans grimace out the kindest smile they can while choking down the foul “weeds and an egg on rice” shit while the Klowns stand around proudly, declaring the world won over.  Makes me want to run them through with a chopstick to the eye.

Want a true take on Korea food and not some self-deluded bullshit about this absolute garbage that passes for sustenance?  Write a journal of food poisonings.  I got food poisoning once in my life before moving to Klown, in Mexico.  I have had it more than a dozen times here, most within my first year when I was still trying to be sensitive and open to new cultural experiences.  What a fucking moron I was.  I’m lucky I didn’t die.  The combination of the severity of the food poisoning, coupled with the incompetence of Klown “doktors”… well, it would have made an interesting blog for sure.  “Hour 14: I’m having hallucinations that a giant duck is eating my intestines.  I have, once again, shat myself in a torrent of hot lava shit in bed while trying to let loose some gas to alleviate the pressure.  I think I might just lie in it and wait for the sweet embrace of death.”

As my French friend, let’s call him Oscar, is fond of reminding people, Klown has not one single Michelin-starred restaurant.  It’s not a “cuisine” you find served at the finest hotels and restaurants world wide.  Why?  Because it’s fucking peasant fare.  Made by peasants, for peasants, with all the grace, subtlety and nuance of a 9-fingered, rheumy, toothless peasant just trying to boil enough shoelaces to survive another hellish day.

The other categories are equally cringe-worthy.  Culture?  You’ve got to be fucking out of your syphilitic mind.  Spit, shout, steal, “sorry”, suicide.  The 5 esses are 90% of what you need to know.  Advice?  I saw one that actually, and I wish I was making this up, “why you should quit your job and move to korea to teach”. Holy fucking shit.  You sadistic, sociopathic motherfucker.  I know misery loves company, but you should be tried for humanitarian crimes, tied to a pole and shot repeatedly.  Music?  Fuck you.  Art?  Seriously?  Fuck you.  Korean “art” is like a high school final project exhibition, only more derivative.

But I get it.  I get it.  We expats have made our bed here.  Some have to try and imagine that bed is an actual mattress rather than a piss-stained cardboard box covering the vomit pile inside a doorway.  If you want to be a “glass is half full” kinda expat, that’s cool.  But it isn’t a full keg, shithead.

Time spent trying to find value, culture and soul in Klown is completely and utterly fucking wasted.  Go get another job. Make more money before these koreaboo kunt illegals taking 20k an hour for privates fuck us all out of a living wage.  That is the sum total of everything this kuntry is actually good for, both in the immediate sense and long term – a work camp.  Your 2.5m a month?  That’s what a MacDonald’s worker makes in Australia.  You’re not a “world adventurer” or “ninja educator” or whatever the fuck else you tell yourself to get you through another night without lighting up a charcoal briquette in your one-room.  You’re making what amounts to minimum wage in the first world, without any of the advantages and niceties that first world civilization affords.

Fucking K-Blog awards.  Jesus.  Might as well have a beauty contest for homeless women, or political campaign training for inmates serving life sentences.  What’s the prize?  Sam Hammington is going to titty-fuck you?

I have had a few good posts in the chamber but haven’t had the time to actually put them together… but this fucking K-blog award taint-licking bullshit just made me work too hard to keep my food down (and not because it was traditional Korean fare) to let it pass.

Advertisements

Klown Koncerto

Oh hey there!  How ya doin?  Long time no see!

Say, remember when those Klowns killed a bunch of kids by loading them on a ferry and then ensuring it sank by continuously ignoring basic, common sense, a lobotomized-monkey-could-figure-it-out safety procedures?  Huh?  Remember that?

Remember how the Klowns bowed their heads and said some “Oh so sorry”s and there was outrage for 5 minutes and everyone put a yellow ribbon on their avatars and vows were made to protect the population from the kind of outrageous negligent homicides that killed those kids?

Ah memories.  Seems like only a few months ago… Oh yeah.  It was only a few months ago.  And in that stretch, roofs have collapsed, trains have burned, helicopters have crashed, reports have been falsified, subway stations have caught fire, foods have been declared unsafe-but-yet-still-mass-marketed, and countless other occurrences, grossly disproportionate to the rest of the developed world, have killed dozens upon dozens of people in Korea… and nothing has been learned.

Nothing except this:  Klowns do not change because they do not want to change.

They do not want to change because they do not feel it necessary to change.

They do not feel it necessary to change because they are told that the problems that befall them cannot possible have anything to do with the “culture” into which they are so sickeningly and militaristically indoctrinated – a “culture” which is beyond questioning.

If something goes wrong, it is another country’s fault, or at the very least, someone else’s fault.  Someone is scapegoated, there are some apologies, maybe some token trial, usually a suicide or two (it’s a national pastime! so traditional!)

Edit: Right on cue

Fucking Klowns.

But hey, we’ve been over all that, right?  Let’s talk hypotheticals.

Let’s say you are going to put on a concert.  A big concert.  Thousands of people in attendance.  Let’s further say that many, if not most, of those in attendance were going to be teenagers.  Let’s go on and imagine you are going to be putting on a K-Pop girls concert, and that your job is to ensure the safety of those attending.

Now I know what you’re thinking… “Dude!  It’s a K-pop girls’ group koncert! Why would we try to protect the concertgoers?  Isn’t it desirable for us, as a species, to let Darwinism take over and remove these genetic weak leaks?”

Now now buddy… they’re only teenagers.  There might still possibly be hope.  I mean, they could possibly emigrate out or be sent to live with overseas relatives for a few years or join a traveling circus or something.  Let’s at least try to keep them alive to see university graduation.

So you’re in charge of security.  What do you do?  Maybe ensure the high voltage cables are taped down?  Maybe set up a perimeter fence?  Do you think maybe, just maybe, you might fence off places where it would be unsafe for hoardes of semi-retarded (I mean, they are K-pop fans) teenagers to stand and scream and drool?  You know, things like giant holes in the ground covered loosely by metal grates?

Nah.  Why do something as basic as keep crowds of kids from jumping up and down on metal grates covering a giant 35-foot pit

Not unless you were a Klown.

 

CNN has a nice video attached to its report.  I particularly feel incensed by the stupid, vacant looks, not just of the still-performing, auto-tuned stage-sluts with the sub-80 IQs, but of the ajosshi gathering around the hole.

Well golly gee willikers,” they seem to be saying to themselves, “who’da thunk that thin bands of Korean-made, ajosshi-approved ‘steel’ would give way under the weight of dozens of people jumping on them?  What should we do now?  Should we stare blankly into the hole and shine smartphones into it, or should we go down and try to save who we can after setting up a perimeter to prevent other, similarly mentally-challenged Klowns from falling into the gaping pit while trying to get a selfie?  Maybe we should all just go sit in mismatched plastic chairs and on plastic stools on a filthy, spit-riddled sidewalk somewhere and drink degreaser (soju) until we kill enough of the few remaining brain cells we have to forget all this unpleasantness that was obviously the fault of the Japs!

Edit: Looks like they were adults. Adults who should have known better. Darwin Award winners, all of them. Unsurprisingly, it also appears itself wasn’t properly weatherproofed or reinforced. Klowns killing Klowns in the endless cycle of psychopathy that is Klown Kulture .

I wonder what the body count is this year, Klown?  How many thousands have died because of your incompetent neglect?  Your arrogant negligence?

Year’s not done yet.  A bit over 2 months to go.

Klusterfuck Reduks

A brilliant gem from 1988 by a Chicago Tribune reporter (Chi city!) about the mannerless, boorish, peasant fuck behavior of the Klowns in ’88 for the Olympics.

And guess what?

Nothing, absofuckinglutely nothing has changed.  If anything, it has gotten worse.

Link to the article and text as follows:

SEOUL — Most visiting athletes, tourists and journalists agree that the Olympic venues, facilities and general ambiance of Seoul are all just fine as the 24th Summer Olympiad heads into the end of its first week.

But, they quickly add, South Koreans will never win a gold medal for courtesy.

The litany of complaints about pushy pedestrians, boorish Korean photographers and reckless bus drivers who seem to harbor a death wish for anybody and anything not on their bus, has reached encyclopedic stature in the days since the Games opened.

“I thought people in the Orient were supposed to be so polite,“ said Marta Felsing, a relative of a West German equestrian competitor. “I don`t think I have been pushed and shoved more in my life. And nobody even says,

`Pardon me.` “

Journalists, especially those from Europe and the United States, have been particularly incensed by their South Korean colleagues who think nothing about putting their shoulders into anybody who is standing in front of them and simply shoving their way forward.

That was apparent at the very first Olympic event, the air rifle target competition, in which many foreign journalists and competitors left the crowded venue convinced they had been subjected to a human wave attack and had barely escaped with their lives.

“It was actually very dangerous,“ said an American journalist who was on the scene. “One of the American shooters was almost ready to start shooting at the pack of Korean journalists in order to get out. I wish someone would have.“

Charlie Francis, coach of Canadian sprinter and world record holder Ben Johnson, also had some sharp words for the Korean media last week during a news conference.

“They are dangerous and they continually create the potential for injury,“ said Francis, referring to the thousands of Korean photographers and TV camera operators who swarm over every event, news conference and venue with a zeal that makes the notorious Italian paparazzi seem lazy.

“They shouldn`t jump over the top of you to get an exclusive picture of an injury they have caused,“ said Francis, whose words went unreported in the Korean media. But it is not just Korean photographers being roundly lambasted by visiting Olympic officials, reporters and tourists.

“People in general are simply rude here,“ said Felsing. “Men step on you and shove you out of the way like you are some kind of insect. And drivers, no matter what sex they are, behave like every other car on the road should be destroyed. There is absolutely no common courtesy.“

Actually, Felsing`s assessment is only half correct. As in Japan, overt displays of courtesy in Korea are normally reserved for those people with whom one has established a relationship or obligation. The courtesy, respect and concern shown in those cases can be almost overwhelming.

“It is easier than showing lots of artificial and superficial courtesy to people you don`t know, as is the case in the West,“ said Cho Kum Suk, a Seoul business consultant. “When people are pushed and shoved, there is no offense taken because they know that it is not personal. And when we show courtesy, the person to whom it is directed knows that it is real and not superficial.“

That explanation, while understood (if not embraced) by longtime residents of countries like Japan and Korea, is difficult for short-term visitors to accept.

“I don`t care what anybody says, there is still no excuse for rudeness and what appears to be a general indifference to one`s fellow man,“ said William Wheeler of Britain. “The Koreans may know how to deal with that, but people from the West certainly find it a bit off-putting.“

Those who have lived in Korea for several years say there is a hard edge to the Korean character that often creates friction with foreigners.

Part of that may be because Koreans have not had very pleasant dealings with foreigners over the years. From the time Europe was under the yoke of the Roman Empire until Japan occupied the country between 1910 and 1945, Korea has been invaded, occupied and otherwise molested by a foreign power 976 times, according to one Korean historian`s count. If, like thousands of Korean students, you count the current American presence in South Korea as an

“occupation,“ the figure is 977.

With a history like that, a suspicion and even resentment of foreigners has evolved in Korea that may take generations to dissipate, say Korean scholars. Add to that the new wave of arrogance that has evolved in this nation of 42 million since it has become one of the world`s biggest economic success stories, and you have a society formidable for foreigners to love-and be loved in.

“There is definitely an exclusionary attitude in Korea toward foreigners,“ said American business executive Jay Tunney. “It is almost a racist kind of thing. An attitude exists in Korea that foreigners are outsiders who are to be skinned.“

But many foreigners are not taking the “skinning“ process without a fight.

“When somebody punches or pushes me, I just punch and push them back,“

said New Yorker Judy Waid. “I`ve noticed when you do that, they tend to apologize or look at you like you are crazy. In either case, they don`t bother you again.“

Added Australian visitor Richard Prosper: “Anybody who has been here for the Olympics, and has had to fight the Korean crowds, deserves to go home with a gold medal just for surviving.“

Reporters pull a lot more punches these days in the era of politically balllessness, but the knowledge and sentiment is the same.

This is a social cesspool where national “success” is thoroughly undeserved.

What a fucking unteachable pit.  Fuck this place.

Here we go again…

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2014/09/116_165458.html

The TL;DL = another ferry accident, same area as the Sewol

I would list the seemingly endless incidents of “Akkidents” (completely avoidable problems that occur because of the arrogant, lazy, greedy, stupid manner in which Klowns conduct themselves in all things) that have occurred this year in Klown, proving that they are not only incompetent but incapable of learning, but there are so many and I don’t have the hours to commit to digging them all up.

The above story just fulfills the prophecy that I made after Sewol that this exact same thing would happen again.

I’m taking bets on when the next major transportation “akkident” will occur.  My money is on under 2 weeks.  You?

Klusterfuck

This article from the NYT from September 18th relates the tale of how Incheon hopes to become an international hub of commerce and tourism.  I know, I know… you are probably thinking what I was thinking, “I’m reading the Onion, right?” But no, it’s true, this is what the perpetually out of touch with reality Klowns actually envision.

Their avenue to such recognition – parading their stubborn refusal to go though the traditional “build a global city” avenues such as: foster positive international relations, provide high quality products, provide high quality service, giving respect, compromise in order to make foreign visitors feel comfortable, listening to what others want, developing world-class accommodation, serving palatable food, constructing buildings that don’t collapse and have basic first-world amenities, offering solid ROIs, being clean, asking appropriate questions, having scenery, actively learning about the outside world and being trustworthy with money – is the 2014 Asian Games.

The ultimate tradition and future legacy of Klown is the steadfast fucking refusal to learn from others’ mistakes, to ignore precedent both historic and contemporary because “we know best”, and then of course, when they discover that they do not know best, because they are inbred peasants in polyester suits, they engage in IP theft and patent infringement before congratulating themselves with some semi-retarded teenage whores and blended whiskey.

Refuse to Learn, Copy, Self-Congratulate.  It should be the national motto.

With the financial disaster of Athens and the shitshow that was Sochi, a logical person might assume that the organizers of international sporting events here in Klown, particularly with an eye to the 2018 Olympics that were earned fair and square by virtue of having offered the largest bribes and loudest whiny tantrums, would try and take care of the basics.  Of course Korea says to you, Mr. Logical, “Get the fuck out of here with that logic shit!  Haven’t you ever heard of ‘trial and error and error and error’?  What do you mean ‘next trial’?”

Koreans would much rather apologize that to plan.  They would rather hang their head in shame after the fact than to swallow their undeservedly bloated egos to concede that they might need outside advice.  They would rather mutter sorry than to avoid disaster.

My contention is that the Klown ekonomy, already being sustained by government intervention allowing a horrendous debt-to-income ratio to skyrocket towards kollapse once the ridiculous housing market switches (again, lessons that could have been learned in 2008 thought by Klowns ‘not to apply to us, the Chosun Ones’) is going to “go Greek” once the 2018 Games are done (if they make it that far).  Lessons that should have be learned from the late-90s IMF fiasco and international economic crises will remain unlearned.  Klowns seem to have this diseased, moronic fucking idea rattling around in their thick Mongoloid skulls that if they can just get (trick) tourists/potential investors to come to Korea, then proceed to forcibly shove their peasant fucking kulture in their faces, that these visitors will be so impressed, so blown away, so infatuated with Klown that foreign investment money will rain down from the skies and save the nation.  The poor little fucks don’t realize that their food, music, costume and mannerisms are at the butt of disdainful jokes by civilized humans that know about Klowns, and would just be considered garbage by the majority who couldn’t care less about Klown, should the screaming pride parade of Klown bullshit get their attention.

Poor delusional fucking Klowns.

Well, we Americans are probably to blame for that, having letting Klown suckle off the American monetary teat for so long, the Klowns now just assume that every developed nation is going to want to throw money at them (despite their disgustingly unethical treatment of others on the international stage at every level).  These Klown fucks, who should be shoveling shit out of the corners of styes and picking insect-flecked cabbages by hand rather than negotiating international contracts are just so used to getting bailed out, gifted what they need and forgiven their trespasses have been conditioned to assume the same will continue forever.  With Cold War priorities and Pappy America’s relative power base shifting, I imagine the next time the Klowns fuck everything up (and they will, obviously), the safety net might not be there.

At any rate, Klown will go “all in” on the Olympics with the expectation that there will be another bail out ready if they fail.  Of course, Klowns think themselves incapable of failure despite repeated proof to the contrary, so billions will be spent, billions more bribed and pocketed and “disappeared” and what will be the result?

I think we all know the answer to that.  I know I’ve previously mentioned my expectation that Pyeongchang will make Sochi look like the most professionally-managed event in human history.  But why don’t we have a look at the 2014 Asian Games, a giant, $2 billion squat toilet of fuck ups, for an indication?

I’m no fan of the Marmot’s Hole.  It’s a den of gyopo apologist self-fellating sycophants who front blind nationalistic loyalty despite having been raised abroad by money their parents couldn’t wait to emmigrate out of this shit-smear kuntry.  Commenters critical of Klown are routinely censored…. which is why when I saw this partial (games aren’t done for another week) list of kollosal fuck ups by the Klowns at the Asiad listed on Marmot’s, I was as shocked as I am when a Klown lines up properly or manages to properly use turn signals in traffic or washes his hands after taking a shit (let alone flushing).  There are more fuck ups daily, but the 26-item list compiled by a Marmot reader is as such:

A clusterfuck.

1.Stadiums getting blackouts
2. Athlete’s lunch boxes found with salmonella
3. Volunteers asking for athletes signatures and making them late to their events – because they got 1 hour of training 1 week before the Games started.
4. 20% of interpreters quitting (because they had to pay for their own transport to and from the Games),
5. Athletes’ rooms not having fans or A/C,
6. Athletes’ rooms crammed with three beds and cramming athletes in them because they don’t have enough rooms
7. No mosquito screens for the rooms, subpar quality food for the athletes – partially caused by the fact that the majority of the cooks are college kids majoring in food science
8. Beach volleyball site doesn’t have changing rooms
9. Badminton stadium has A/C with strong wind that got the complaints of all athletes including Korean ones
10. Thailand baseball team had to practice in the dark because the lights weren’t on
11. Archery field was so shitty the Korean Archery association used their own funds to have the field meet the standards (including a whole new display)
12. The shooting field lacked lockers and seats for the athletes (forcing them to sit on the stairs with their stuff)
13. Plumbing trouble leaks urine at various stadium
14. The weightlifting stadium lacked curtains or other covers for the changing room – everyone saw the athletes change.
15. The Sepak Takraw (check it out, btw. It’s pretty epic) stadium leaked rainwater mid-event and the event was delayed for 20 minutes
16. No one informed the teams that the official basketball brand changed.
17. Critical shortage of medical staff at the basketball games, forcing the team trainers and other athletes to play doctor.
18. Organizers didn’t tell a Chinese fencer (A bronze medalist) that the shuttle bus stations changed locations. A Korean journalist had to give him a ride on the taxi, and the Organizers chastised the fencer for not getting on the earlier shuttles afterwards.
19. Organizers converted the Disabled Parking spots to VIP parking spots that can be bough at a fee. Yeah.
20. The broadcasters are not covering the events well – even the ones that Koreans would be interested in watching like badminton. The Koreans had to watch the badminton final using a Chinese TV station online.
21. Organizers selling most of the tickets to popular events to Chaebols, who of course doesn’t use them = empty stadiums even in events that are popular (baseball, basketball, etc)
22. It’s nice that the organizers had the ticket pre-sale available online with multiple languages. Too bad you need either a Korean ID number or foreigner registration number to buy one. Oh, and a Korean credit card. (Nice one, guys. Learn that move from Naver/Daum?)
23. The official Incheon Asian Games website was down until September 24th.
24. A shuttle bus driver, because he thought it was too bothersome to go through the entire route, decided to just skip the Field Hockey site (귀찮으니까…). What the fuck.
25. Organizers (read: Incheon city government) are forcing all school field trips in the city to go to the events because they have trouble keeping the seats filled (caused by the previous mentioned reasons.
26. Shuttle bus in general are either in critical shortage or arbitrarily changing/cancelling service. Disturbing amount of journalists/athletes are relying on taxis… except that the taxi drivers have no idea what any of the venues/buildings are.

And, of course, when the journalists asked the Organizers about these clusterfucks, the Organizers got into a verbal altercations with the journalists. Then they tried to issue a gag order on any articles critical of the Games. Then they flatly denied issuing any gag orders… to the journalists that they personally gave gag orders to [Klassik].

A clusterfuck.

I personally couldn’t give less of a kimchi fuck about the Asian games.  I think it is safe to assume that the Klowns will cheat their way into an undeservedly high number of medals.  I think it is even safer to say that anyone fool enough to have spend money to travel to Korea and stay here as a tourist will never, ever be returning (there was a recent story on this but I cant find the link via Google since the rest of the world doesn’t give a shit about Klown).  The only reason I would watch Asiad highlights would be to watch the Klowns lose.  Few things give me greater joy than to watch Klowns lose at international sports – the melodramatic finger pointing and blame avoidance, and the occasional full-on toddler tantrum.

(edit)

I was sent this gem from the Klown Times, which is an thoroughly entertaining plea for Klowns to deomonstrate some basic fucking level of fundamental human manners.  Of course Klowns are utterly incapable of modern homo sapiens sapiens manners, so this particular plea from a Korean who has been abroad and seen that the rest of the world isn’t devoid of all human decency and class falls of deaf ears. A portion of the story reads as follows:

At the kickoff of the Korea-Japan quarterfinal soccer match, few Korean fans bothered to stand up when the opposing team’s national anthem was played.

A plea was repeatedly made through the public announcement system for the fans to stand up when the anthems were played at Munhak Stadium….

It also marked a contrast to a group of Japanese fans remaining on their feet while the Korean national anthem was played after theirs was over….

The organizers appear to be partially to blame because some fans [the Korean ones] were ignorant [no fucking shit] of the “rule of respect. [what the fuck is ‘lee-suh-pay-ku-tuh?]”…

Making matters worse were some fans munching on snacks and shouting into their smartphones while the anthems were played.

Similar instances of ignorance were also observed during tennis matches.

On Friday, when the round of 16 men’s singles tennis competition was held at the Yeorumul Tennis Courts, some fans misbehaved.

Some went for snacks or tried to find their seats when the ball was in play.

Mobile phones constantly rang and strident cheering continued, forcing the umpire to ask for the spectators’ silence.

Oh you drooling, flailing, nose-mining social retards.  You embarrassments to the species. You Klowns.  Every time you let the international community see you for what you really are, they throw up in their mouths a little and turn away, repulsed to think that someone actually gave these fools money and opportunity.

The question isn’t whether Korea will fuck up the Olympics (and every other major international responsibility given), the question is why the rest of the world keeps extending any amount of trust or faith to the Klowns.  At least they haven’t killed a hundred tourists with a sunken ferry or derailed train or helicopter crash… but give them time. There is still a week left.

Lokomotion

Everybody’s doing a brand new dance, yeah

(Come on baby, do the lokomotion)

The Klowns are gonna kill you if you give them a chance, yeah

(Come on Klownies, do the lokomotion)

Your driver’s license came as a cereal box prize

You walk and bicycle like someone gouged out your eyes

So come on, come on, do the lokomotion Klownies

A law needs to be passed.

A law that bans Klowns from owning, operating, touching or even looking too long at any object that has wheels.  I’ll extend that to any object that has wheels or an engine of any sort.

There’s a reason why the movie wasn’t called The Fast and the Furious: Seoul Drift.. i can just imagine the screenplay:

(Exterior – Parking Lot: Our main character, Kim Kil Smash, glances around with a vacant, imbecile stare.  He pulls an “Esse Slim” cigarette from his pocket – yes, the kind usually associated with 50s-era women – and a mirror from the other pocket.  Kim applies some more mascara and eye-liner while simultaneously puffing his girly cigarette and dribble spitting.  In short, he looks as cool as a Korean man can possibly look in Klown Kulture.  His Urkel-esque, far-too-tight pants hitch halfway up his undeveloped, 12-year-old-girl’s calf as he opens the door of his white Kia K5.  As his dainty fingers grip the plastic of his Moshi Maru steering wheel wrap, he tries to flex a non-existent arm muscle – skin quivers against bone.  The engine starts with a tinny whine.  In the background, a carbon copy K-pop song comes on.  Kim opens the door of his K5 one more time to dribble spit on the ground.  Throwing his automatic car into reverse, the camera makes a quick cut to see Kim’s bumper dent and scratch the bumpers of both the Ssangyong Korando C beside him and the Hyundai i30 behind him.  Plastic smooshes against plastic.  Inside the cabin of the K5, proximity warning sensors blare and are summarily ignored.  Slamming the K5 into “D”, Kim peels out of the parking lot and onto the highway where he immediately loses control despite bone-dry conditions, slides across 5 lanes of traffic, into a concrete barrier, rolling his car over.  As the car continues to roll over the edge of the highway and down a cliff, the camera moves to the cabin of the K5 once more.  Small objects such as tubes of BB Cream, cards advertising escorts, baby-sized condoms, oversized brand name sunglasses, sparkle lip gloss and monistat fly around as if weightless.  The camera cuts to a close up of Kim’s confused, moronic expression.  The camera cuts back as the car explodes into a ball of flame.  Ejected from the car is one purple, leopard print Adidas Originals sneaker, size 7.  The camera holds on a shot of the sneaker smoking on the trash-strewn highway…) ((Roll credits))

How can an ethnic group that has spawned world champion sharpshooters and archers be so utterly, completely fucking clueless when it comes to any sort of movement by any means in any 3-dimensional space? 

I mean holy fucking sacred cow shit!  You can solve complex math problems using x,y,z graphs but can’t push a fucking shopping cart in a fucking straight line… forget parking your fucking car, I’m talking one goddamned foot in front of the other.

I am quite literally amazed that gyms here have treadmills.  I would have thought that the concept of conveyor belt locomotion would prove so difficult, so impossible for the Klown CNS that bodies would have been flying willy-nilly through the air – an arm knocking out the ajumma on the thigh machine, a leg nearly decapitating the old man doing odd “exercises” with the pink dumbbells.

Hey Klown, unless you long to be Japanese (we all know you do), walk on the fucking right!  Do it you fucking mouth-breather! 

Hey Klown, the entire fucking world is not your fucking parking lot you narcissistic, hypocritical, self-fellating fucktwat.  Move your fucking Costco cart to the side of the fucking aisle before I lift it over my head and use it to bash your fucking brains into a gooey, kimchi-stink mess all over the fucking floor where the brats you let run screaming and taekwondo-ing through every fucking public space can fly down the aisle like it was a fucking Slip-n-Slide. 

Hey Klown! Park your car like it wasn’t your first time driving so I don’t need to smash the window, hotwire your shitty fucking Klown Kar and use it to drive over you just to keep you off the roads where you will one day kill me. 

What’s that Klown? Oh, you like that shiny something in the store window over there, mesmerized by its sparkle and promise of status-uh?  Why don’t you move your pig farmer ass to the side of the sidewalk like a normal fucking human being would do to stare at it in amazement rather than pulling up to a dead stop in the middle of this veal sty city? 

Hey Klown, I know bicycling is hard to manage, what with the spinny roundy things, so why don’t you stay the fuck home rather than endanger everyone on the narrow path with your stupefying ineptitude?

In an urban center of some 20 million, one would think that the human capacity for adaptation would dictate that people’s skills at moving themselves from Point A to Point K would improve out of simple necessity.  But no.  Not in Klown.  In violation of all common sense and logic, Klowns have gone in the exact opposite direction, instead choosing to showcase how incapable they are of doing anything other than copy.  And why?  Well because Klown Kulture is a sado-masochistic, passive-aggressive shitshow of human misery (or Han).  A place where happiness and human decency go to die… and more than a few motorists as well.

Edumakation

South Korea desperately needs child psychologists. Well, hell, they need all kinds of psychologists here, but children’s most of all. In Korea, however, your medical history – including mental health – isn’t exactly private, you know, like the most basic levels of privacy you would expect from a modern country. The stigma attached to any mental health treatment is that one is “crazy”, which translates into “unmarriageable and unemployable”. This flies in the face of centuries of research and modern knowledge (nothing new there), but Klown wants to be super different.   Of course. Unless they need to build something or sell something, in which case they are happy to copy.

I honestly think that child psychology could be a multi-billion dollar business in Korea. Trouble is that you’d need to package it as either some sort of competitive advantage or something that boosts status because simply wanting to promote happiness and well-being sure as fuck isn’t enough. My feeling is that the key to making this badly, badly needed service industry marketable would be to brand it as “educational”. Don’t say you’re looking for autism spectrum disorders. Don’t call the child “developmentally delayed” or “behaviorally challenged”. No, say you are going to develop “Special Education Plans” that will help unlock a Korean child’s potential. Use all the wealth of knowledge and materials – from countries that aren’t socially stuck in the 1700s – that have been developed to help integrate learning disabled, developmentally delayed, behaviorally challenged or mentally deficient kids into mainstream society… just rebrand it as education and competitive edge.   Please.  It’s about the only thing that might save this place.

It’s sad that such a thing should even be necessary, but after 8 years here working with kids and their parents, unsurprising. Klown Kulture is dehumanizing. There is a lot of scream-talking about how valuable children and family are, but in the end it’s all complete bullshit. There is no genuine interest in the happiness or social success of kids. I’ve never heard of an American-born American kid killing him or herself over getting a less than perfect SAT score. I mean, I’m sure it happens, but I can’t recall reading about it or hearing about it. Ever. And I think something like that would make the news. Here it is so commonplace that it isn’t even shocking or news-worthy anymore. Little Su-min jumped off the roof of her filthy, cigarette-butt-and-phlegm-speckled Soviet-style apartment building because she couldn’t meet mommy’s expectation to be in the top 0.01% of students – crocodile tears a la Sewol crew will follow and never will it be thought that such a destruction of psyche takes years upon years to accomplish, that the animal instinct for self-preservation is so difficult to overcome that little Su-min must have been enduring psychological torture for YEARS before finally ending it all on the rancid, unwashed, feces-scented streets of Seoul.

I don’t know why anyone would expect anything else. Children here aren’t children, they are reduced to numbers and dehumanized in a way that goes far, far beyond the global dehumanization and enumeration as part and parcel of the digital age; they are dehumanized in a way that is wholly unnecessary and cruel. Students are regarded as devoid of talent, personality, aspirations or creativity and basically anything that might make them future leaders and architects of the next generation of global economy. They are only test scores and certificates.  Only cursory lip service at the elementary school level is paid to anything else, but once that kid hits 12…

South Korea is one of the leading nations in the world for the PISA score. Klowns like to trumpet this. The problem, of course (for one who thinks with any degree of logic), is twofold – inefficiency and sacrifice (I’ll get to it…).

Take, for example, Finland, which is also a perennial top contender for PISA success. Finnish students don’t start school until Klown age 9 (real, rest of the world age 7), are subjected to zero standardized assessments until at least Klown age 15, take their single standardized test at Klown age 18, cost 30% less to educate than American kids, have the smallest standard deviation rate of educational performance in the world (and have kids of all different ability levels integrated in the same classes), do not get taught to test for PISA or anything else, attend no hagwons, study only 18-19 hours of class time per week and do not burden parents with private education costs. Yet they give Klown a run for the money every year.

Klown students, on the other hand, often start classroom study as soon as they are able to walk and talk (and sometimes earlier than that), are subjected to an insane number of standardized tests (and basically nothing else), are wildly expensive to edumakate, have some substantial rates of standard deviation across different socio-economic groups, are taught to test for PISA preparation, attend hagwons and tutoring that often run 7 days a week, study in classrooms upwards of 12 hours per day and 70+ hours a week (that’s nearly 4 times as much for those keeping score) and then piss everything away with a post-secondary legacy that makes a degree as valuable as a Kleenex.

Klown innovates practically nothing. Again, this should be by no means shocking for several reasons. First, obviously, the entire Klown economy is based on patent infringement, intellectual property theft and payoffs. Second, from the second they hit a classroom, kids are taught one system and one system only: rote memory. Never you fucking mind that this is possibly the least efficient, least intelligent, most marginalizing way to edumakate kids! Respect our “culture”! You know what a fun game is? Trying to find famous, innovative Koreans (either contemporary or historical) who were raised in Klown and who didn’t blatantly rip off from others. Go on. Give it a try. Creative thought processes, right-brain thinking, cross-hemisphere cerebral integration, divergent thinking… these are 100% absent from the Klown edumakation system. In about 10 years, when China gets its shit together enough to take over the manufacturing industry from the Klowns (as they took it over from the Japanese), what the motherfuck is Klown going to do then, hmm?

Klown owes its existence to foreign aid and patent infringement, but yet considers itself a “global leader”. I guess that is in the same vein as a bank robber considering himself a successful entrepreneur. Strange then that the average Klown knows almost nothing about the world outside the tiny, expendable little gallbladder kuntry they live in. Forget things like political ideologies or modern histories, I’m talking not knowing where countries are on a map of the world. The worst thing about this is that Statesman’s Yearbook style information is one of those things that actually can be rote memorized. It is one of those things that can be both memorized and useful. Leave it to the Klowns to implement a 70+ hour a week system of memorization and leave out anything actually useful or relevant. Fucking brilliant.

South Korean kids transition from grueling hours of memory work, pattern practice and worksheet repetition in middle and high school to a joke of a college system. The dream of any Klown kid (well, actually, Klown kids aren’t allowed to have dreams, so the dream of his or her parent) is to attend a SKY university (an acronym made up of the names of the most famous-uh universities in Klown). It doesn’t really matter though. 98%, ninety fucking eight percent, of Koreans graduate from some form of post-secondary institution (though Klowns have the highest failure rate of any nationality of students in ivy league schools at 44%). That means a 98% pass rate. Holy fuck.

What is the value of a good standardized test, you know, the ones the Klowns love so much? That’s right, that not everyone can pass it. The fact that the test is challenging makes it a valuable assessment tool.  The same is true of an educational institution.  The Klowns, in their perpetual lack of self-awareness, abandon the core principle that they use to push kids through the public edumakation system immediately after they finish. Forget what that actually teaches these young high school graduates for a moment – forget the lessons on life and motivation and prospect of failure – it renders everything they sacrificed (told you I’d get to it) useless. What they get is a degree after 16-20 years of schooling (and that’s just for the bachelor’s) that is worthless to the world outside the borders of Klown, and seen as a minimum requirement for work within Klown. Might as well just call it grades 13-16 of high school. Of course no advanced nation takes a Klown degree seriously.  Why would they?  Students graduate with no global knowledge or social skills, and everyone passes.  The Klown degree is a prison, ensuring that the holder of said degree will only ever be able to work in Klown, shitting and swallowing along the Human Centipede chain.

Klowns are socially retarded. If you find that offensive, fuck you. That’s the best descriptive phrase that I’ve heard to describe Klown. This is clearly a result of how Klowns are edumakated, starting from early childhood. I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid, large amounts of time and energy were dedicated to teaching me things like:

–       polite social behaviors (i.e. don’t negatively impact others with your actions if avoidable)

–       health and exercise

–       not being a sore loser and being gracious in defeat

–       creative development

–       divergent thinking

–       consequences for upsetting others

–       proper public space behavior

–       setting of personal and logical boundaries

–       cooperative learning

–       innovative project completion

–       risk-taking

–       personal hygiene and sanitation

etc et-fucking-cetera… but Klown kids, no no… they sacrifice all those kinds of things.  What you get are kids who grow into adults without even a small semblance of civilized behavior.  And outside of Klown, particularly in the developed world, nobody wants to tolerate the socially inept bullshit behavior of Klowns.

It is to be expected, of course, in a society where there are no social boundaries or expectations beyond “shit on anyone you want so long as his or her date of manufacture is not earlier than your own”. It is to be expected when a generation of socially retarded assholes is in unquestioned, unchallenged, total control of a new generation. Blind leading the blind. What you get are kids who cannot possibly fucking function in public in a global context. Kids who don’t know how to swim despite their country being a virtual island that regularly floods. Kids with the nationalistic, just plain old untrue-taught-as-truth “knowledge” (propaganda) that ensures that they sound like drooling fucking morons once they leave the kuntry.  Kids who hate each waking hour and report the highlight of their week to be a half-hour they were allowed to play in the soot-sprinkled playground in the parking lot of their apartment complex. Kids who far too often end up killing themselves because that part of them that is human and independent and free knows deep down that Klown Kulture is an unnatural abomination of the human spirit and psyche and that they cannot escape from it.

Klown takes children, crushes their spirit, independence, creativity and talents, then gives them a meaningless, ass-wipe degree as a reward for surrendering a meaningful childhood and everything that makes our species special. But hey, at least they get some sweet PISA scores, right?  Klown can trumpet those. It can flash around its designer handbag of prestige then go back to home at the pig sty, deeply indebted and without any realistic Plan B other than to root around it the sty muck and hope to get to the trough ahead of the other porkers.

 

There is so much more to say about Klown edumakation that this might need a part 2… in the meantime, try not to get run over or contract TB reader.