I was shocked, dismayed, heartbroken and crestfallen to learn that I was not being automatically awarded the prestigious “Best K-Blog” title by the Korea Observer’s internationally-renowned K-Blog Awards.  I mean, not even in the top five!  I know I’ve been busy and all but… C’MON!

Wait… waitwaitwait.

What the FUCK?

There’s a fucking K-Blog awards?

I can picture it now.  A room full of sunken-chested, pasty white social rejects from the western world wearing comicbook-themed shirts, rubbing elbows with greasy, fat white chicks who look like they either just crawled out from under a Greenpeace protest bus or from a Forever 21 clearance sale dogpile. Bunch of bloggers jerking themselves off and giving a reach-over to whomever linked back to them.

“Whoa?  You’re ‘SeoulNoodleSucker’?  Man, I love your blog!  Those pictures of kimchi really brought the traditions of this ancient land to light for me.”

“Thank you!  I used a 17mm macro lens with a blue-green filter to really try to bring out the granules of red pepper powder, oh so traditional.  Aum shanti.”

“Did you see ‘MuffinTopEatsKorea’? She’s just keeping it so real with her 24-piece series on temple stay.”

“But I really like…”

It’s only in my head but I want to choke the life out of each one of them, starting with that reprehensible skinny-fat, balding, arrogant fuckwad Adam Carr… choke him with his own neon nunchucks.

You aren’t writers.  You aren’t talented.  You’re desperate to find some validation and relevance in this pathetic ghetto lottery winner kuntry.  You take home your 30 grand a year, in your 30s, and resist the urge to hang yourself from your 4th hand wardrobe with a belt by imagining that, not only is Korean Kulture beautiful and noteworthy (it isn’t), but that people give a motherfuck about your thoughts on it (they don’t).

Best Korean food blog?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Best what?  Roadkill? Tripe?  Compost?  Korean food has one thing going for it, and one thing only, so let me save all you Klown food bloggers a whole lot of screen space:  it contains obscene amounts of a pepper that was only recently introduced to Klown by the Japanese…. and it’s a goddamned good thing too, since that omnipresent pepper brutally assaults and blunt-force-trauma-numbs the taste buds so unforgivingly that someone unfortunate enough to be eating Klown food doesn’t know that they are eating what most countries would literally have in the compost bin or pig slop trough.  That’s it.  Klown food anesthetizes your sense of taste so that you can get it down without gagging.  Want to see something funny?  Watch that Klown show where they send a bunch of brainwashed, bible-thumpy-type Klown fucktards out around the world to forcibly shove bibimbab in the faces of people in places like Europe.  Being polite, in the way one might to the friendly advances of a severely developmentally-delayed child, watch as the Europeans grimace out the kindest smile they can while choking down the foul “weeds and an egg on rice” shit while the Klowns stand around proudly, declaring the world won over.  Makes me want to run them through with a chopstick to the eye.

Want a true take on Korea food and not some self-deluded bullshit about this absolute garbage that passes for sustenance?  Write a journal of food poisonings.  I got food poisoning once in my life before moving to Klown, in Mexico.  I have had it more than a dozen times here, most within my first year when I was still trying to be sensitive and open to new cultural experiences.  What a fucking moron I was.  I’m lucky I didn’t die.  The combination of the severity of the food poisoning, coupled with the incompetence of Klown “doktors”… well, it would have made an interesting blog for sure.  “Hour 14: I’m having hallucinations that a giant duck is eating my intestines.  I have, once again, shat myself in a torrent of hot lava shit in bed while trying to let loose some gas to alleviate the pressure.  I think I might just lie in it and wait for the sweet embrace of death.”

As my French friend, let’s call him Oscar, is fond of reminding people, Klown has not one single Michelin-starred restaurant.  It’s not a “cuisine” you find served at the finest hotels and restaurants world wide.  Why?  Because it’s fucking peasant fare.  Made by peasants, for peasants, with all the grace, subtlety and nuance of a 9-fingered, rheumy, toothless peasant just trying to boil enough shoelaces to survive another hellish day.

The other categories are equally cringe-worthy.  Culture?  You’ve got to be fucking out of your syphilitic mind.  Spit, shout, steal, “sorry”, suicide.  The 5 esses are 90% of what you need to know.  Advice?  I saw one that actually, and I wish I was making this up, “why you should quit your job and move to korea to teach”. Holy fucking shit.  You sadistic, sociopathic motherfucker.  I know misery loves company, but you should be tried for humanitarian crimes, tied to a pole and shot repeatedly.  Music?  Fuck you.  Art?  Seriously?  Fuck you.  Korean “art” is like a high school final project exhibition, only more derivative.

But I get it.  I get it.  We expats have made our bed here.  Some have to try and imagine that bed is an actual mattress rather than a piss-stained cardboard box covering the vomit pile inside a doorway.  If you want to be a “glass is half full” kinda expat, that’s cool.  But it isn’t a full keg, shithead.

Time spent trying to find value, culture and soul in Klown is completely and utterly fucking wasted.  Go get another job. Make more money before these koreaboo kunt illegals taking 20k an hour for privates fuck us all out of a living wage.  That is the sum total of everything this kuntry is actually good for, both in the immediate sense and long term – a work camp.  Your 2.5m a month?  That’s what a MacDonald’s worker makes in Australia.  You’re not a “world adventurer” or “ninja educator” or whatever the fuck else you tell yourself to get you through another night without lighting up a charcoal briquette in your one-room.  You’re making what amounts to minimum wage in the first world, without any of the advantages and niceties that first world civilization affords.

Fucking K-Blog awards.  Jesus.  Might as well have a beauty contest for homeless women, or political campaign training for inmates serving life sentences.  What’s the prize?  Sam Hammington is going to titty-fuck you?

I have had a few good posts in the chamber but haven’t had the time to actually put them together… but this fucking K-blog award taint-licking bullshit just made me work too hard to keep my food down (and not because it was traditional Korean fare) to let it pass.


16 thoughts on “Self-Kongratulatory

  1. You were actually nominated for an award, and that is how I found this blog. The category was “worst blog” and your competitors were Eat Your Kimchi and South Korea Inside and Out. Eat your kimchi was winning the votes slightly before the category was taken down in favor of Best LGBT blog.

    I will say this about what you write though, and I know you don’t care what I or anyone else thinks, but I did want to say that after reading most of your posts, I can see that you are a talented writer and that your arguments are quite logical and often eloquently stated.

    And what you write, if written in Korean, and by a Korean, would be quite popular among the Korean population, who themselves think their own society has serious serious issues.

    I don’t profess to know anything about your particular situation, but I’ve had bad Korea days myself where I have wanted to punch people in the face over how asinine things are.

    These can range from the stupidest rules (such as being forced to use only one plate at the salad bar despite being there with four people), to lack of parenting (like parents telling their kids to throw the stick of their ice cream bar on the pristine sidewalk of an amusement park when a trashcan is literally only 20 feet away, rather than telling the kid to respect the people cleaning the park and take the extra effort to dispose of garbage properly), to bosses trying to involve me in what you call the human centipede (though I wouldn’t call it that because it implies 1 to 1 to 1, when usually it’s 1 to 3 to 10 to 100 to 1000, depending on the size of the company you’re in), to people half my age not noticing I was waiting in line for 10 minutes and just stepping in front of me, then getting all angry when I protest, to people who won’t let me get off the bus before they try to cram on, then getting angry after bumping into me, to people talking shit about me right in front of me thinking I don’t speak Korean, then making one of the lamest excuses ever once I tell them in Korean to shut the fuck up (the excuse was that in Korean culture it is perfectly acceptable to say rude things about people you don’t know right in front of them)… I could go on and on and on about bad Korea days.

    But I at least have been fortunate enough to be there on the good Korea days as well.

    1) like the time the motorbike repair guy didn’t charge me to fix the flat tire that didn’t have a hole in it, it just needed air more often than I had been putting it in there. I was fully prepared to pay 10 bucks that he’d put in his pocket and never list in the books.. well he charged nothing, and that caused me to be a loyal customer of his.

    2) another time when I made a breakthrough with an acquaintance, who asked me how he could become good at English, and I said I didn’t know because it was my native language. He critically thought after than and understood that he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone how to speak Korean well, then had an epiphany that the way Korean society looks at foreign people is “how will interaction with this foreigner benefit me” rather than “gee he’s pretty cool I’d like to hang out with him!” Eventually leading to epiphany after epiphany about how his own society needs to stop brushing social ills under the proverbial carpet whenever people perceived to be outsiders are looking. And finally coming to the realization over the course of the conversation that he didn’t really understand why he hated Japanese, and like the Arabs and Jews, they share an ancestor and the hatred is unproductive.

    3) The relationships I’ve been in with Korean women that lasted more than 1 or 2 dates because they weren’t the type with an obvious foreign fetish, or didn’t feel the need to talk shit about Korean men as their reason for liking me, or didn’t say things later in the relationship that I should be thankful that she would deign so low as to be seen with a visible foreign devil like me (all three have happened, but the long term relationships were absent of this bullshit).

    4) The time I lost my wallet and my cell phone, and called the cell phone the next day. The person on the other end asked me to meet him somewhere to retrieve them. I offered him a reward, and he certainly looked like he could use it… he told me instead to pay it forward (not in those words.. but basically, do good to someone I don’t know).

    5) The time my boss’ boss reamed the shit out of my boss for being an idiot and not listening to the advice I was hired to give.

    6) The time I fell asleep on the bus and the lady who also traveled the same route recognized that my stop was coming up woke me. That shit would never happen in America.

    Now, you might say that most of these only seem like “good” Korea days because they should be just neutral, and only seem good because I’m so used to being fucked over on a daily basis. You might be right, but from the way you write, it seems that the good, or even neutral, rarely ever comes your way… and that’s a shame.

    I’m not going to tell you to leave if you don’t like it (copout argument made by intellectually weak people who would rather believe that the problems don’t exist). I’m not going to tell you to get to know the culture or learn the language or any of that. I’ll also admit that I probably wouldn’t have come here in the first place if I didn’t have roots here. Every passing day I realize more and more why my father left Korea, and he tried to tell me so before I came here.

    But call it stupidity or stubbornness, the social issues of Korea need to be clearly stated (you seem to do this well) and it is our responsibility to bring about a societal change.

    Like I said before, you’re an excellent writer. If you could channel even half of the energy you spend on sometimes borderline racist chastisement of the country and its people, and lamenting how nothing they ever do will ever go right, and how the whole society is fucked up.. instead channeling it into a real discussion of the issues at hand, with suggestions on ways to correct that which ails society, you’d have one hell of a blog.

    Of course I don’t expect you to react nicely to anything I’ve said here, and I won’t be too miffed if you just tell me to fuck off like you do everyone else. But I think you’re making this blog for one of two reasons. You like getting lots of troll hits or it is therapy for dealing with all the shit you have to put up with. In both cases you’d be better served attacking the issues constructively and intelligently, as you’d get far more hits, and the therapeutic writing would be fueled with positive energy rather than negative.

    I mean seriously how many ways can you say “this shit is broken? It’s totally fucked up and I hate it and it will always be shitty because it is shitty” before it gets old? “Here’s a problem, how can we solve it? Here are a few of my ideas” almost never gets old.

    I hope you eventually find peace with whatever it is that is tormenting you.

  2. I am an unfortunate soul living in Korea, having been to Australia NZ and japan I can say Korea is a sad excuse of a country. Good money if you are lucky and girls are decent looking otherwise the food, traffic and rudeness and inconsideration of others is a drag. I’m my mind you are the best Korean blogger, you tell it as it is and not the arirang version. Keep em coming!

  3. Pingback: Diplomatik | klownisms: life in Klown

  4. Hahaha. You’re still such a fucking waste of what would otherwise be talent. Only you would be such an adorable little bitch about being nominated for an award, even if it is rightly for being a sad wank stain. 😉

    • Oh Adam, did I hurt your feelings?

      Look little guy, I know it’s tough, being old and balding and still making less than pretty much everyone you went to school with, but buck up, at least you have the K-blog awards!

      It must be frustrating that I bang these little vents off in my scant spare time while you invest so, so much time and energy into pretending to be a “writer” and promoting your worthless blog.

      You’ll never make money with your “writing”, and any life improvement you perceive it makes it strictly self-delusion. It’s sad. Sad you think you have any relevance.

      But you don’t. Not at all.

      What happens when you turn 50, and you’re still stuck here making next to minimum wage with progressively fewer employment opportunities? Thailand? Myanmar? Traditional Klown suicide?

      I’d say marry a Klown girl with money, but one of them wouldn’t touch you with a full Ebola – grade bio hazard suit on.

      Maybe you could blog about the future of loser esl teachers who struggle to find meaning by imagining themselves Internet famous via blogs while edging ever closer to perpetual unemployability in your next post. Title it “My Sad, Sad Future”

      • I’m not an ESL teacher, and I probably make a lot more than you.

        Damn, that was disappointing. I was hoping for better. It appears as though there is a limit to your pointed vitriol.


      • Oh Adam, Adam, Adam.

        Why do you have this obsession with embarrassing yourself?

        You work at SK Hynix (a job you have had a scant 5 months and from which you’re already looking for an exit strategy) as an “in house language consultant” who “confabs with [ajosshi] for a living”. You could call yourself “Royal Magistrate of Foreign Vocal Formations” and it still fucking means you’re a fucking ESL teacher. You teach English. Get the fuck over yourself.

        Delusional fucking twats… oh yeah, and you’re an “adventurer” (presumably because you’ve ventured outside your home state to this fucking toilet bowl) and a “writer” (who has a readership of maybe a few dozen sunken-chested Western reject peers desperately clamoring, as you do, to finally find acceptance here in the land of low standards). You’re a joke. You and your meaningless degree in fucking philosophy (no wonder you’re such an arrogant, useless sack of befoulment).

        And no, Adam, you don’t make more than me. I make quite comfortably on the plus side of 9 figures a yea. You know how I do it? As an ESL teacher, Adam. Kids, executives, kimchi moms… hell, even housepets if they pay me. I’m an ESL teacher. I’m not suffering from self-delusions of grandeur like you are. I don’t feel the need to lie about my profession to escape embarrassment.

        You know how else I make that much Adam? Because I don’t waste time being a fucking cheerleader like you do. All that time you spend trying to get Klowns to like you, writing about how great Klown is, being an impotent, limp-dicked apologist… all wasted. Klowns don’t like you. They don’t want to be your friend. You’re a novelty. An organ grinder monkey. You’re not a person, you’re a waegookin. A gojangii. That’s what Klown is. But just as you insist on deluding yourself about being an ESL teacher, a writer and a relevant human being, you also lie to yourself about the nature of Klown.

        You refuse to live in reality. And when it comes crashing in on you, and you realize you’ve put all your chips on the losing hand, it’s going to be fucking devastating to you. Who knows if your psyche can take it?

        So come on here and lie all you fucking want about your lot in life Adam. I know the truth, and try as you might to escape it with fantasyland dreams of your life having meaning, you’re going to know the truth too. Maybe someone will blog about it. “Scantily Remembered ESL-Teacher-Turned-Klown Nosedives Into Phlegm and Vomit Puddle in HBC”

  5. Pingback: Klown Komments 3 | klownisms: life in Klown

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