I wasn’t going to touch the story about “nut rage”, but I can’t seem to bring myself to deny long-time reader and all-around temptress, Dolly, who requested something be written.

I wasn’t going to touch the story because, let’s face it, anyone who knows anything about Klown knows that this isn’t news. Not even the scale of it is news. This is your typical, mundane Tuesday afternoon in Klown.

It’s so very fucking traditional.

Let’s do a quick recap:

Prior to the (most recent) Japanese colonization in 1910, Klown was a stinking, festering mud pit of lean-to shanties, teeming with unwashed masses of disease-bearing serfs. It was a dogpile of illiterate, toothless farmers shitting in the same kinds of holes in the ground in which they buried their “food”stuffs. And no, this isn’t hyperbole. A filthy cesspool of ignorance and peasantry.

Today it’s pretty much exactly the fucking same, only with some concrete, electric lights and PVC-clad whores with cosmetically-obtained garden spade chins.

Anywhore, the Japanese came in and industrialized the place. Building amazing and miraculous things that the locals had never imagined, things such as roads, plumbing, hospitals with soap, factories, toilets, power plants… they forcibly dragged the palsy child of Klown out of the feces-smeared cave of 15th century ignorance and into the 20th.

Thanks to the Americans, the Japanese were defeated in WW2 and forced to depart the Korean Peninsula (AKA “Asia’s Gallbladder”). They left behind all the infrastructure they had crafted over the previous 35 years. One can imagine the Klowns, simian like, grunting, pointing and poking with sticks the strange metal and stone remains, perhaps gnawing on the edge of a drill like an infant trying to assess whether a book is or is not edible.

In what might be called in the movie world Planet of the Klowns, preferential access to said infrastructure and factory equipment was given to ideological loyalists, and following a coup, the 60s and 70s saw the rise of the chaebol. A dictator hand-selecting family-owned conglomerates to not only have access to the Japanese-made infrastructure, but also the Japanese and American money that was flooding into the country.

Reparations and grants and loans flooded Klown, but it didn’t find its way to the masses. Some people hit the ghetto lottery, like Klowns who purchased worthless Gangnam real estate before the farmland was paved over and the value skyrocketed. But as a whole, South Korea hit the Cold War Proxy Lottery. Moronically-titled “Miracle on the Han”, there was nothing “miraculous” about it. Tons of unearned funds flooding into the hands of a corrupt government that, instead of improving the lives of the people (who were working in sweatshops for slave labor wages while doing, for free, the jobs civil servants should have been paid to do), gave the money to these Klown korportations in the form of guaranteed, low/no interest loans and kickbacks.

Miracle? The infrastructure was inherited, the money was misappropriated, the designs and methodology were straight up patent infringement, and all this was overlooked by Uncle Sam, who was right in the depths of the Red Scare and couldn’t be bothered trying to parent (great role model). Typically, the chaebol Klowns are all self-congratulatory over their economic success and market dominance though every single aspect of their empire was given to them on a platter, or stolen by them from far more deserving rivals.

From the outset, chaebols have been taught that the average Korean isn’t worth the foul phlegm they decorate every surface with. But who can blame them? This is Klown Kulture. There is no respect. There is no appreciation. There is no loyalty. To a Klown, other Klowns aren’t even human. So when this reptilian bitch, this walking, talking yeast infection, Cho Hyun-Ah, does as Klowns do to each other each and every day, I didn’t even bat an eye.

Par for the fucking course.

The reward for the Saemaeul Undong, Uri Nara generation was a giant ‘fuck you’. Impoverished grannies selling cooch for ten bucks while the big korporations ship jobs overseas and humiliate airline stewards. Korean-made products cost as much as double (or more) here in Korea compared to North America. The ‘thank you’ for delayed social growth, nay, social retardation, to make these chaebol families rich is to grossly overcharge the domestic consumers (over which they have a government-reinforced monopoly) to pad their thin margins as they remain competitive overseas against companies that actually innovate instead of stealing every single idea they have. And as unethical as western corporations (and humans in general when It comes to money and power) are, this just goes beyond in so many other levels. It’s pretty fucking sick.

This is all just one example of the many ways in which Klown is a giant lie.

Uri nara my ass. A bunch of goat-raping, syphilitic, simple-minded vassals, crawling and clawing, backstabbing and nut-raging. “Miracle”. Pft. The only miracle here is that the whole system hasn’t already imploded so dramatically that even the IMF couldn’t bail Klown out.

But that day is coming.

And when it does, anal pustules like Cho Hyun Ah and her ilk will do as so many propaganda-spewing inner party Klowns have done before them, take as much money as they can and emigrate it out of the kuntry. They’ll live their lives in luxury while the whole shithouse goes up in flames. Only the saving grace is that they won’t be throwing nuts in anyone’s face. Oh no. They’d best quickly learn how to shut their shout-talking Klown face holes and look over their shoulders.

Fuck Cho Hyun Ah. Fuck her father. Fuck the chaebol and fuck Klown.

These resource thieves have no value. With any luck, she’ll go off herself in a field somewhere like the Sewol owner. That way at least she’ll fertilize a few plants and help return some of the oxygen she’s stolen away from the rest of us.


Klown Komments 3

As usual, reposted from the comments section:

Adam Carr Writes (in response to “Self Kongratulatory“:

Hahaha. You’re still such a fucking waste of what would otherwise be talent. Only you would be such an adorable little bitch about being nominated for an award, even if it is rightly for being a sad wank stain. 😉

Oh Adam, did I hurt your feelings?

Look little guy, I know it’s tough, being old and balding and still making less than pretty much everyone you went to school with, but buck up, at least you have the K-blog awards!

It must be frustrating that I bang these little vents off in my scant spare time while you invest so, so much time and energy into pretending to be a “writer” and promoting your worthless blog.

You’ll never make money with your “writing”, and any life improvement you perceive it makes it strictly self-delusion. It’s sad. Sad you think you have any relevance.

But you don’t. Not at all.

What happens when you turn 50, and you’re still stuck here making next to minimum wage with progressively fewer employment opportunities? Thailand? Myanmar? Traditional Klown suicide?

I’d say marry a Klown girl with money, but one of them wouldn’t touch you with a full Ebola – grade bio hazard suit on.

Maybe you could blog about the future of loser esl teachers who struggle to find meaning by imagining themselves Internet famous via blogs while edging ever closer to perpetual unemployability in your next post. Title it “My Sad, Sad Future”

His Reponse (because little fucking Napoleon-complex sufferers like Klowns never know when to fucking stop):

I’m not an ESL teacher, and I probably make a lot more than you.

Damn, that was disappointing. I was hoping for better. It appears as though there is a limit to your pointed vitriol.

Oh Adam, Adam, Adam.

Why do you have this obsession with embarrassing yourself?


You work at SK Hynix (a job you have had a scant 5 months and from which you’re already looking for an exit strategy) as an “in house language consultant” who “confabs with [ajosshi] for a living”. [Previously: Nara Education Academy, Lotte Language Academy, LFA Academy] You could call yourself “Royal Magistrate of Foreign Vocal Formations” and it still fucking means you’re a fucking ESL teacher. You teach English. Get the fuck over yourself.

Delusional fucking twats… oh yeah, and you’re an “adventurer” (presumably because you’ve ventured outside your home state to this fucking toilet bowl) and a “writer” (who has a readership of maybe a few dozen sunken-chested Western reject peers desperately clamoring, as you do, to finally find acceptance here in the land of low standards). You’re a joke. You and your meaningless degree in fucking philosophy (no wonder you’re such an arrogant, useless sack of befoulment).

And no, Adam, you don’t make more than me. I make quite comfortably on the plus side of 9 figures a year. You know how I do it? As an ESL teacher, Adam. Kids, executives, kimchi moms… hell, even housepets if they pay me. I’m an ESL teacher. I’m not suffering from self-delusions of grandeur like you are. I don’t feel the need to lie about my profession to escape embarrassment.

You know how else I make that much Adam? Because I don’t waste time being a fucking cheerleader like you do. All that time you spend trying to get Klowns to like you, writing about how great Klown is, being an impotent, limp-dicked apologist… all wasted. Klowns don’t like you. They don’t want to be your friend. You’re a novelty. An organ grinder monkey. You’re not a person, you’re a waegookin. A gojangii. That’s what Klown is. But just as you insist on deluding yourself about being an ESL teacher, a writer and a relevant human being, you also lie to yourself about the nature of Klown.

You refuse to live in reality. And when it comes crashing in on you, and you realize you’ve put all your chips on the losing hand, it’s going to be fucking devastating to you. Who knows if your psyche can take it?

So come on here and lie all you fucking want about your lot in life Adam. I know the truth, and try as you might to escape it with fantasyland dreams of your life having meaning, you’re going to know the truth too. Maybe someone will blog about it. “Scantily Remembered ESL-Teacher-Turned-Klown Nosedives Into Phlegm and Vomit Puddle in HBC


I’m going to tell you something.

Something true, but something taboo.

Something that will (with any luck) make the heads of koreaboo, ajosshi-jizz-guzzling K-pop aficionado fuckbags literally explode.

Not all cultures are equal.

Not all cultures are beautiful.

Not all cultures have value.

Now this isn’t eugenics, because eugenics has to do with race and genetic ethnicity.  What I’m talking about isn’t racial, because aside from a few small physiological tendencies associated with certain genetic subsets, I’m of the mind that we’re all quite capable of species advancement and improvement on a socially-cooperative, mutualistic basis.  Capable, yes, but as that old Nature-nurture chestnut gets more and more clearly resolved, capability doesn’t mean shit without the proper environment.

So I don’t buy into “racial superiority” personally.  I don’t think race is a Darwinistically-favored trait outside of immediate physical survival (i.e. darker skin for intense sunshine in the tropics, shorter arms and legs for heat conservation among Inuit etc), meaning that now that we humans are entirely socially-selected animals – in the sense that we create our own physical environments to a large extent and are therefore not subject to the same natural selection criteria as other animals – race means fuck all.  But culture.

There are most definitely superior cultures.

Now the apologists are already starting to get red in the face… an aneurysm boiling in that vein in the neck… it’s not the bowing versus handshake, or the roundabout versus the 4-way stop or the kimchi versus the edible food… but the deep culture, the framework upon which a regional society is built, that can most assuredly be superior or inferior.

Of course, all cultures have inferior and superior qualities and attributes, but taken as a whole and independent from a human nature baseline, Klown Kulture is inferior.

If the ultimate goal of humanity is to accomplish goals such as: interstellar travel and trans-planetary habitation, instantaneous sharing and expansion of collective knowledge base, zero-pollution energy production, sustainable and safe food production for billions, zero species extinction and the like, Klown Kulture is nothing but an unfortunate vomit puddle along the path to evolution.

For reasons I have already written extensively about (copying and stealing versus innovating, sadistic abuse of others for no measurable gain, refusal to set and enforce logical codes of conduct and boundaries, brainwashing with outdated nationalistic propaganda, inability to self-educate through historical precedent, unwillingness to be self-critical of kulture, biting the hand that feeds, poor sportsmanship, a general coating of putrid filth and rot over every possible surface, self-deluding tendencies, and so on and so on) Klown Kulture is inferior.  Inferior in an evolutionary sense.  With few (if any) positive and useful traits.

I struggle to think of even one aspect of Klown Kulture that I would like to see preserved in the global fabric and passed forth to future generations of humans.  Ummm… uhh… the only things that come to mind are the bald-faced lies that Klowns tell themselves about their cultural values.  Things like “we respect our elders” and “we are the best parents“.  But I honestly can’t think of anything… nothing… nothing that I would want to see kept.

Oh wait!  Maybe… nope.  That’s also bullshit.  I guess there isn’t anything.

When a tradition or aspect of a culture is flawed or counterproductive, the intelligent thing to do is to get rid of it in favor of something that makes sense, not blindly defend it just because it existed yesterday.  Segregation and institutionalized racism (such as apartheid), public beheadings, witch hunts and bloodletting were all traditional aspects of Caucasian culture… but they were terrible, regressive ideas that got tossed out.  Adjustments were made.  Social evolution was achieved.  An example and precedent was set and modeled for others.

Some cultures and “traditions” just need to go.  Western Klown apologists (Kaucasian Klowns), spineless protest-bus ESL teachers and the like just can’t accept that the society immediately surrounding them has no value, because that means accepting that we are in purgatory here, a shitty work camp we may never escape from.  A bad choice.  A plane ticket that should have never been purchased.

I don’t expect those same apologists would, for example, extoll the virtues of traditional Islamic culture on display when a teenage girl is flogged to death for having a boyfriend.  The connection between the “culture” and the action is so clear and uncommon, it’s hard to make the “people do stuff like that all over the world” argument as Koreaboo apologists so often do when it comes to 300 dead kids on a ferry or yet another traffic fatality.  The misogyny on display with “traditional” female genital mutilation in some cultures is an extreme example, but fully in the same vein as the million prostitutes in Klown, the domestic abuse, the workplace inequity etc.  Slavery is “bad culture” but forcing children to study 70+ hours a week in sacrifice of everything else and for no appreciable end result isn’t “cultural” at all?

The reprehensible behavior that is common within a society, whether that be cops shooting black kids (Rambo culture meets fear of a black planet culture) or universal, socially-reinforced hierarchical sadistic abuse (The Human Centipede culture), stems from culture.  Like with Nature-Nurture, there are certain aspects of human nature that are just anti-social, and no society is completely free of murderers, thieves, litterbugs or shout-talkers, but when there is such an overwhelming tendency, such a high per-capita/per-meter rate of observabilty of a certain behavior linked to a certain group of people, it is completely logical and justifiable to link the underlying culture to the resultant behavior.

The apologist taint-lickers who get all indignant when it is suggested that scores of dead people in “accidents” is actually a manifestation of culture in Korea I guaranfuckingtee don’t hesitate for the split second it takes Michael Moore to inhale a honey cruller to pin the obscene numbers of gun-related deaths each year in America to culture.  Why?  Because they aren’t logical or academic, they just like to imagine they are.  They like to imagine their liberal arts degree from the local state college has enlightened them and made them philosophers (and apparently bloggers).  They aren’t.  They’re full of shit; they’re idiots thinking themselves idealists. They avoid the harsh, cold light of realistic reflection like Dracula avoids the dawn.

I’m a realist.  When I see a short, fat, weak, pug-nosed, beady-eyed, asthmatic guy trying hard (and failing) to calculate tax or a tip, I think, “Genetic weak link.  That guy needs to be naturally selected out of the equation.”  Yeah, he’s a human.  Yeah, he’s got parents somewhere that love him.  I don’t hate the guy, unless he’s bothering me or impeding my right to pursue happiness, but he shouldn’t reproduce.  Not PC to say in this world of white-guilt, hold-hands-across-the-globe, the-children-are-all-god’s-creatures…. but true.

When I see Klown and its kulture, I feel precisely the same way.  Sure, its a culture.  Sure, there are some Klowns out there who profess to love it, but it shouldn’t propagate.  Nobody else should need to be indoctrinated into it.  It’s a social weak link.  Not PC to say…but true.


I was shocked, dismayed, heartbroken and crestfallen to learn that I was not being automatically awarded the prestigious “Best K-Blog” title by the Korea Observer’s internationally-renowned K-Blog Awards.  I mean, not even in the top five!  I know I’ve been busy and all but… C’MON!

Wait… waitwaitwait.

What the FUCK?

There’s a fucking K-Blog awards?

I can picture it now.  A room full of sunken-chested, pasty white social rejects from the western world wearing comicbook-themed shirts, rubbing elbows with greasy, fat white chicks who look like they either just crawled out from under a Greenpeace protest bus or from a Forever 21 clearance sale dogpile. Bunch of bloggers jerking themselves off and giving a reach-over to whomever linked back to them.

“Whoa?  You’re ‘SeoulNoodleSucker’?  Man, I love your blog!  Those pictures of kimchi really brought the traditions of this ancient land to light for me.”

“Thank you!  I used a 17mm macro lens with a blue-green filter to really try to bring out the granules of red pepper powder, oh so traditional.  Aum shanti.”

“Did you see ‘MuffinTopEatsKorea’? She’s just keeping it so real with her 24-piece series on temple stay.”

“But I really like…”

It’s only in my head but I want to choke the life out of each one of them, starting with that reprehensible skinny-fat, balding, arrogant fuckwad Adam Carr… choke him with his own neon nunchucks.

You aren’t writers.  You aren’t talented.  You’re desperate to find some validation and relevance in this pathetic ghetto lottery winner kuntry.  You take home your 30 grand a year, in your 30s, and resist the urge to hang yourself from your 4th hand wardrobe with a belt by imagining that, not only is Korean Kulture beautiful and noteworthy (it isn’t), but that people give a motherfuck about your thoughts on it (they don’t).

Best Korean food blog?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Best what?  Roadkill? Tripe?  Compost?  Korean food has one thing going for it, and one thing only, so let me save all you Klown food bloggers a whole lot of screen space:  it contains obscene amounts of a pepper that was only recently introduced to Klown by the Japanese…. and it’s a goddamned good thing too, since that omnipresent pepper brutally assaults and blunt-force-trauma-numbs the taste buds so unforgivingly that someone unfortunate enough to be eating Klown food doesn’t know that they are eating what most countries would literally have in the compost bin or pig slop trough.  That’s it.  Klown food anesthetizes your sense of taste so that you can get it down without gagging.  Want to see something funny?  Watch that Klown show where they send a bunch of brainwashed, bible-thumpy-type Klown fucktards out around the world to forcibly shove bibimbab in the faces of people in places like Europe.  Being polite, in the way one might to the friendly advances of a severely developmentally-delayed child, watch as the Europeans grimace out the kindest smile they can while choking down the foul “weeds and an egg on rice” shit while the Klowns stand around proudly, declaring the world won over.  Makes me want to run them through with a chopstick to the eye.

Want a true take on Korea food and not some self-deluded bullshit about this absolute garbage that passes for sustenance?  Write a journal of food poisonings.  I got food poisoning once in my life before moving to Klown, in Mexico.  I have had it more than a dozen times here, most within my first year when I was still trying to be sensitive and open to new cultural experiences.  What a fucking moron I was.  I’m lucky I didn’t die.  The combination of the severity of the food poisoning, coupled with the incompetence of Klown “doktors”… well, it would have made an interesting blog for sure.  “Hour 14: I’m having hallucinations that a giant duck is eating my intestines.  I have, once again, shat myself in a torrent of hot lava shit in bed while trying to let loose some gas to alleviate the pressure.  I think I might just lie in it and wait for the sweet embrace of death.”

As my French friend, let’s call him Oscar, is fond of reminding people, Klown has not one single Michelin-starred restaurant.  It’s not a “cuisine” you find served at the finest hotels and restaurants world wide.  Why?  Because it’s fucking peasant fare.  Made by peasants, for peasants, with all the grace, subtlety and nuance of a 9-fingered, rheumy, toothless peasant just trying to boil enough shoelaces to survive another hellish day.

The other categories are equally cringe-worthy.  Culture?  You’ve got to be fucking out of your syphilitic mind.  Spit, shout, steal, “sorry”, suicide.  The 5 esses are 90% of what you need to know.  Advice?  I saw one that actually, and I wish I was making this up, “why you should quit your job and move to korea to teach”. Holy fucking shit.  You sadistic, sociopathic motherfucker.  I know misery loves company, but you should be tried for humanitarian crimes, tied to a pole and shot repeatedly.  Music?  Fuck you.  Art?  Seriously?  Fuck you.  Korean “art” is like a high school final project exhibition, only more derivative.

But I get it.  I get it.  We expats have made our bed here.  Some have to try and imagine that bed is an actual mattress rather than a piss-stained cardboard box covering the vomit pile inside a doorway.  If you want to be a “glass is half full” kinda expat, that’s cool.  But it isn’t a full keg, shithead.

Time spent trying to find value, culture and soul in Klown is completely and utterly fucking wasted.  Go get another job. Make more money before these koreaboo kunt illegals taking 20k an hour for privates fuck us all out of a living wage.  That is the sum total of everything this kuntry is actually good for, both in the immediate sense and long term – a work camp.  Your 2.5m a month?  That’s what a MacDonald’s worker makes in Australia.  You’re not a “world adventurer” or “ninja educator” or whatever the fuck else you tell yourself to get you through another night without lighting up a charcoal briquette in your one-room.  You’re making what amounts to minimum wage in the first world, without any of the advantages and niceties that first world civilization affords.

Fucking K-Blog awards.  Jesus.  Might as well have a beauty contest for homeless women, or political campaign training for inmates serving life sentences.  What’s the prize?  Sam Hammington is going to titty-fuck you?

I have had a few good posts in the chamber but haven’t had the time to actually put them together… but this fucking K-blog award taint-licking bullshit just made me work too hard to keep my food down (and not because it was traditional Korean fare) to let it pass.