The Ten Kommandments

religion.icon

Eksodus 24:

It was a dark and stormy night…

Kosus ascended Mount Beakdu, shining beacon of the Lord (Do you know the Korea? Do you know the Jesus? Do you know the Korea has four seasons and that the Jesus was Korean? Lord the God was the father of the Jesus, so also God Korean too!)

And the Korean Lord said unto Kosus, “Stumble drunkenly and red-faced up the rubberized walkways leading up the mountain (well, a hill that we’ll call a mountain), and try to remain upright and conscious there: and I will give thee tablets of stone, and a bowl of rotted cabbage, and there might be a grandmother up there willing to give you a blowjob for a man won… oh yeah, and a law, and Kommandments which I have written; that thou mayest yell and screameth at them until the sheep doth memorize them exactly. 13 And Koses rose up, and his minister, some guy named Kim: and Koses went up into the mount where the ajumma picked weeds to boil into “stew”…

The hill-we’ll-call-mountain was covered in smog and yellow sand for six days – Kosus spent his time chain smoking, squatting on the ground like a lower primate and dribble-spitting… and on the seventh day, Kosus stumbled into the midst of the exhaust fumes and found an Anma parlor with attached soju and stewed tentacle shop where he didst stay for 40 days and 40 nights, developing cirrhosis of the liver.

When he didst emerge, Koses spake: “The Lord, Korean God, has delivered unto me these two tablets of stone, written with the tiny, lady-like fingers of Korean God. And on them was written some stuff about safety regulations and ethics suggestions that I didn’t bother reading and some other words, which the Lord, Korean God, scream-spake with you whilst throwing chairs and having a full-on tantrum of the midst of the national assembly.”

And it came to pass, after he had passed out in a bush, come to and gave himself a bath with a wet tissue, Koses came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the foreigners with the Korean women, and the dancing, and the love hotels that wouldst not see he lay with the short-skirted ones, and Koses’ anger waxed hot as the greasy gochu-pepper-sauce-fueled shart that didst sneak from betwixt his sagging buttocks and through to stain his striped boxers, and he cast the tablets out of his hands as he couldst not find a trash can, and brake them into shards beneath the slide at the playground.

And the Lord, Korean God, spake unto Koses, “Hew thee two tablets of stone exactly like unto those tablets invented by Apple: and I will write “Samsung Innovation” upon these tablets, yea and the words that were on the first tablets, which thou brakest, I shall write something kinda close to what was written upon them, and I’ll maketh it look official.”

And thus didst The Lord, Korean God, and Koses deliver unto the righteous, chosen People of the Han The Ten Kommandments, which the chosen Klowns of the Land of Soju and Kimchi wouldst follow.

  1. Klowns are the Lords of the Universe and must believe themselves faultless and above reproach.
  2. Thou shalt endeavor to treat each and every person upon the Lord, Korean God’s, Earth as disrespectfully and rudely as possible. Thou must strive to make clear that thou dost wish to shit before thou dost swallow in the Human Centipede.
  3. Thou shalt expectorate thy deepest, yellowest, most vile phlegm as loudly as thy are able upon every surface thou findst. Thine neighbors and thine neighbors’ children and pets and grandparents who didst suffer for thee shalt be subjected to thine diseased mucus rockets. On occasions honoring the Lord, Korean God, which include every evening after 4:00pm, thou shalt upgradeth thine pollution to the Lord’s vomit. To demonstrate true fealty to the Lord, Korean God, thou shalt defecate in public and fall asleep in it.
  4. Thou shalt regard contracts, agreements and promises of all kinds as the Lord’s humor upon man, wantonly disregarding the oaths thy dost swear to keep. Thou shalt regard all property as thine property regardless of ownership, particularly the property of the intellect of the infidels, those who doest not believe in the Lord, Korean God.
  5. Thou shalt imbibe of the foulest and most chemical moonshine knowest. Thou shalt declare said moonshine both “traditional” and “delicious”, partaking until said moonshine doth become the most heavily imbibed spirit upon the Lord, Korean God’s, Earth. Thou shalt also remain weak and with chest that doth sink until thine belly grows far beyond it.
  6. Thou shalt enter into marriage with both shallow motivation and with thy in clear intent to remain in misery for the remainder of thine days. Thou shalt seeketh a bride with alien features of plastic or a groom with accounts which mommeth and daddeth didst fill. Thou shalt enter into repeated infidelity with thine whores or thine personal trainer or thine child’s Engrishee teachers.
  7. Thou shalt partake in the process of locomotion with the intent to fucketh upeth the intended path of those who wishest to traverse the Lord, Korean God’s, planet. Thou shalt leave thine carts at awkward angles in the center of the Lord’s Costco aisles. Thou shalt blocketh rush hour traffic by stopping thine car in the center of the most critical lane. Thou shalt walk four or five abreast whenst possible on crowded public sidewalks and paths, moving slowly and obliviously to all other traffic. Thou shalt generally proveth that thou is incapable of polite and logical movement of any kind and by any means.
  8. Thou shalt screameth and shouteth and hollereth and carry on in the loudest and most ear-shattering way possible in the name of the Lord, Korean God, at all times but most especially when most unnecessary. Thou must drive thine neighbors and adjacent humans insane with thine whining, melodramatically-inflected, peasant’s vocal stylings to the point where they doth wishest to plucketh thine vocal cords out with their fingernails.
  9. Thou shalt make filthy and repugnant every surface and region of the Lord, Korean God’s Earth in which thou dost reside. Thou shalt honor Korean God with compost food and cartoonish churches and litter and boundary-less children and unwashed line one riding and public toilet desecration and negligent homicide and vehicular homicide and untreated mental illness and propaganda and gaudy churches and loudspeakers and fliers and brothels until the light of thy world doth die a thousand deaths and is thus extinguished leaving no hope or happiness.
  10. Thou shalt remain eternally unapologetic. Thou shalt blame the Japs or the Yanks or the Aborigine or the Chinese or thine critics. Thou shalt never aspire to advance socially or to acknowledge thine shortcomings.

And Koses didst deliver the Kommandments to the Klowns, who didst smack together their rotted gums and declare the Kommandments “traditional”. And the Klowns didst rejoice and sacrifice a family pet or three for “stew”, for they knewest that the Lord, Korean God, didst look upon them with favor and excuseth all behaviors normally suited for lower animals such as tapeworms and sewer rats. And there were many days of soju drinking and whoring and embezzlement and patent infringement and denial. And the thunder didst crash and the hope of humanity died.

Amen.

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “The Ten Kommandments

  1. Could Klown’s unique koffee kulture be linked to Kosus’ teachings? I imagine so, given the religious importance Klowns attach to walking around with huge carton cups of Klown koffee, especially in the morning and after lunch-uh. It must be some kind of ritual in honor of the Lord, Korean God. Swirling those inevitable ice cubes in the cups, as Kosus no doubt has proscribed that thy shall drink thy koffee kold. Will sipping kold Klown koffee (straw required) bring you closer to the Lord, Korean God? Is kold Klown koffee aktually the blood of Kosus? To know this would hugely enhance my understanding of the unique Klown kulture, Mother of all Kultures, to which all mankind should be eternally grateful, for Klowns show humanity the righteous path. Praise the Lord, Korean God, and Kosus, his one and only prophet.

    • I have a hard enough time imagining what it would be like to be married to an American woman, I can’t imagine what it might be like to be married to a Korean woman (let alone her family).

      If she isn’t thanking all the gods that ever were every single day that she wasn’t forced to marry some Klown, she should be.

      Jesus, the misery I see with every Korean woman I know in Korea married to a Klown… I think I can count on one hand the number of happily married Korean-to-Korean women that I have met in 8 years in this kuntry…

      Thank Korean God for the new generation of women in this country, without them, the place would already be a smoking pile of rubble. There is a certain type of Korean woman, I guess now they are in their 30’s, which gives some small semblance of hope for the future. However, that small semblance is very small indeed.

      • ” I can’t imagine what it might be like to be married to a Korean woman (let alone her family). If she isn’t thanking all the gods that ever were every single day that she wasn’t forced to marry some Klown, she should be.”
        I married a Korean women that spent a good portion of her life in the US, so she has the perspective to see both American culture and Klown Kulture. She tells me every so often how thankful she is to not be married to a Korean klown. She’s knows that with a traditional Korean man you are likely to become a slave to the husband and in-laws. She’s told me many horror stories from her friends and from within her own family and I honestly cannot understand why Klowns think that is okay to use a woman like that. These Korean guys and their families are so two-faced. When the K-guy and K-girl are dating, he’s following her around like a puppy and treating her like a princess. She meets the family and everyone is embracing her with open arms. Once they get married, the guy stops caring and fucks massage parlor whores while her in-laws (particularly the mother-in-law) is bossing her around to cook, clean, make babies, run errands, etc.
        When me and my now-wife were talking about marriage, she was asking me questions like “what if your mother bosses me around?” and “do I have to do chores for your family?” I really didn’t know what to say because it never occurred to me at the time that these are legitimate concerns for Korean women.
        I guess my wife got lucky… my family loves her and she doesn’t have to take the burden that many Korean women have to deal with.

      • Same story here, my wife spent quite a bit of time in Zeeland, she has four sisters, twice a year they are forced into domestic servitude. My wife just smiles and laughs behind their backs.

      • The most amazing in-law story I’ve heard from here is about Korean mothers dictating their sons’ sex lives after being married. They will say things to their daughters-in-law such as ‘You’re making my son too tired, so he can’t do his job very well. Stop having sex with him.’ Gee, I wonder why Korean marriages tend to go so poorly?

  2. Mr. K
    Impressive writing. I agree with your satire’s implied premise; Korea is not only a country, but a religion. One major strategy of psychopathic collectives is to camouflage it’s moral character; through historical reasons, Korea hid its core cultural psycho-pathology exploiting Christianity as a moral front cover in hopes of fooling outsiders and themselves. This accords with anecdotal observations suggesting spiritual evil often takes moral cover hiding within respected religions. Legitimate religion, however, teaches that one discerns the essence of personalities and their collectives by behavioral fruits, not professions. This leads to the question: Who is the actual god Koreans worship behind the Christian front-operation?
    Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Your previous post points to modern Korea needlessly embracing fly-ridden squalor and filth even after devious World Bank shark-loans are perpetually dumped onto Korea. Is it possible Korea’s incense-like stench wafting from hellish sewer grates–is not merely fruits of residual peasant backwardness, but an intractable form of religious worship to a scatological fly-loving deity? I submit that whenever one discerns the glimmer of unrelenting madness behind peasants’ eyes and behavior– we are dealing with spiritual influences–not a simple need for education and World Bank loans.
    Middle Eastern religions reveal an ancient oriental deity called Baal Zebub, literally meaning Lord Of The Flies, alternatively named “Chaos Maker.” Could Korea’s chronic, fly-attracting, scream-talking ambient abuse be an unconscious religious sentiment devoted to Baal Zebub, the Lord of the Flies? The god of chaos?
    I submit that to spiritually understand Korea, we must observe habits of flies to understand Baal Zebub and his spiritual children. Unlike flies, bees have an orderly, clean house and are organized around law abiding government; bees like beauty, e.g.. flowers; they make honey, speak a gentle murmuring language, care for offspring, and are courageously armed to defend homeland rather than rely on someone else’s spilt blood.
    Does Korean culture exhibit these traits? Or, can the Korean collective be more likened to a swarm of flies buzzing in the summer heat over bulging plastic bags dumped on a Korean side-walk? Could the leaking bag’s putrefying stench of rotting kimchee juice and melted pig fat be a sweet smelling incense to Baal Zebub? Think about it: flies zig and zag through the air like an ajumma walking the sidewalk; flies have no orderly government, often engaging in buzzing fist-fights and brawls when excited over the prospect of laying eggs on a dung pile or decaying flesh; flies make nothing of real value without stealing patents and accepting IMF loans, buzz loudly over blood-covered dog carcasses just tortured for summer stamina meals; flies don’t effectively care for their offspring’s mental health– despite its lauded “Maggot’s Day” banking holiday.
    Think about it: flies readily huddle together in buzzing swarms imagining glorious solidarity during soccer games — until a ferry-boat sinking or building collapse reveals trusted Confucian authorities only care about themselves –and thus, needless tragedies provide another opportunity to sentimentally wallow in imagined solidarity of Baal Zebub’s fly-community.
    The question to ponder: Does Korea just need a little more education and World Bank loans? Or, is Korea a quasi-religious cult devoted to Baal-Zebub? Does Korea need education or redemption?

  3. I honestly don’t know why you guys are getting so all het’ up about this place for!!!
    It IS freaking KOREA, after all!!
    Whaddya all expecting, Aristotlean logic, or something??
    You’re in the wrong place for that…..Oh, God – you are so DEFINITELY in the wrong place~~~
    …and that’s not to take away from all the excellent observations and comments one bit~~~

  4. Oh my god thank you for this. I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks. You truly have a gift for capturing in writing the oh-so-wrong parts of Korea.

    Think about this. Fermentation is turning sugar into acid. Korea’s diet consists largely of fermented foods, especially kimchi. In so many ways, Koreans’ culture is turning sugar into acid.

    Marriage – instead of two partners loving and supporting one another, it’s one partner whoring and giving STDs to the other partner who is an indentured servant for her mother in law. That is an example of sugar to acid.

    Education – instead of helping young people develop the thinking and communication skills they will need for next generation industries, its forcing young people to spend their every waking hour of youth studying and cramming worthless facts to pass a test that is arbitrary at best to get into schools lead by professors who have plagiarized to get their degrees and routinely sexually harass their students. Again, sugar into acid.

    There are countless examples of how Koreans pervert and corrupt what should be wonderful aspects of life into hell on earth. Korea is all about turning sugar into acid.

    • Indeed, everything about Korean kulture is acidic! Education, work culture and even family-everything is out of obligation and must. Little wonder everyone is so unhappy and stressed out-everyone is living his life for someone else and expects the same of everyone else. I wanna scream at these people “It doesn’t have to be this hard you idiots!!”.
      Klowns will all tell you that westerners are ‘selfish’, when in reality it is the Klowns with their kollectivist Confucian sense of perverted morality who behave in a terribly selfish manner-who could blame them however, given their obligation to every aspect of life.

  5. Pingback: Point A to Point K | klownisms: life in Klown

Whatcha got to add?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s