It was a dark and stormy night…
Kosus ascended Mount Beakdu, shining beacon of the Lord (Do you know the Korea? Do you know the Jesus? Do you know the Korea has four seasons and that the Jesus was Korean? Lord the God was the father of the Jesus, so also God Korean too!)
And the Korean Lord said unto Kosus, “Stumble drunkenly and red-faced up the rubberized walkways leading up the mountain (well, a hill that we’ll call a mountain), and try to remain upright and conscious there: and I will give thee tablets of stone, and a bowl of rotted cabbage, and there might be a grandmother up there willing to give you a blowjob for a man won… oh yeah, and a law, and Kommandments which I have written; that thou mayest yell and screameth at them until the sheep doth memorize them exactly. 13 And Koses rose up, and his minister, some guy named Kim: and Koses went up into the mount where the ajumma picked weeds to boil into “stew”…
The hill-we’ll-call-mountain was covered in smog and yellow sand for six days – Kosus spent his time chain smoking, squatting on the ground like a lower primate and dribble-spitting… and on the seventh day, Kosus stumbled into the midst of the exhaust fumes and found an Anma parlor with attached soju and stewed tentacle shop where he didst stay for 40 days and 40 nights, developing cirrhosis of the liver.
When he didst emerge, Koses spake: “The Lord, Korean God, has delivered unto me these two tablets of stone, written with the tiny, lady-like fingers of Korean God. And on them was written some stuff about safety regulations and ethics suggestions that I didn’t bother reading and some other words, which the Lord, Korean God, scream-spake with you whilst throwing chairs and having a full-on tantrum of the midst of the national assembly.”
And it came to pass, after he had passed out in a bush, come to and gave himself a bath with a wet tissue, Koses came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the foreigners with the Korean women, and the dancing, and the love hotels that wouldst not see he lay with the short-skirted ones, and Koses’ anger waxed hot as the greasy gochu-pepper-sauce-fueled shart that didst sneak from betwixt his sagging buttocks and through to stain his striped boxers, and he cast the tablets out of his hands as he couldst not find a trash can, and brake them into shards beneath the slide at the playground.
And the Lord, Korean God, spake unto Koses, “Hew thee two tablets of stone exactly like unto those tablets invented by Apple: and I will write “Samsung Innovation” upon these tablets, yea and the words that were on the first tablets, which thou brakest, I shall write something kinda close to what was written upon them, and I’ll maketh it look official.”
And thus didst The Lord, Korean God, and Koses deliver unto the righteous, chosen People of the Han The Ten Kommandments, which the chosen Klowns of the Land of Soju and Kimchi wouldst follow.
- Klowns are the Lords of the Universe and must believe themselves faultless and above reproach.
- Thou shalt endeavor to treat each and every person upon the Lord, Korean God’s, Earth as disrespectfully and rudely as possible. Thou must strive to make clear that thou dost wish to shit before thou dost swallow in the Human Centipede.
- Thou shalt expectorate thy deepest, yellowest, most vile phlegm as loudly as thy are able upon every surface thou findst. Thine neighbors and thine neighbors’ children and pets and grandparents who didst suffer for thee shalt be subjected to thine diseased mucus rockets. On occasions honoring the Lord, Korean God, which include every evening after 4:00pm, thou shalt upgradeth thine pollution to the Lord’s vomit. To demonstrate true fealty to the Lord, Korean God, thou shalt defecate in public and fall asleep in it.
- Thou shalt regard contracts, agreements and promises of all kinds as the Lord’s humor upon man, wantonly disregarding the oaths thy dost swear to keep. Thou shalt regard all property as thine property regardless of ownership, particularly the property of the intellect of the infidels, those who doest not believe in the Lord, Korean God.
- Thou shalt imbibe of the foulest and most chemical moonshine knowest. Thou shalt declare said moonshine both “traditional” and “delicious”, partaking until said moonshine doth become the most heavily imbibed spirit upon the Lord, Korean God’s, Earth. Thou shalt also remain weak and with chest that doth sink until thine belly grows far beyond it.
- Thou shalt enter into marriage with both shallow motivation and with thy in clear intent to remain in misery for the remainder of thine days. Thou shalt seeketh a bride with alien features of plastic or a groom with accounts which mommeth and daddeth didst fill. Thou shalt enter into repeated infidelity with thine whores or thine personal trainer or thine child’s Engrishee teachers.
- Thou shalt partake in the process of locomotion with the intent to fucketh upeth the intended path of those who wishest to traverse the Lord, Korean God’s, planet. Thou shalt leave thine carts at awkward angles in the center of the Lord’s Costco aisles. Thou shalt blocketh rush hour traffic by stopping thine car in the center of the most critical lane. Thou shalt walk four or five abreast whenst possible on crowded public sidewalks and paths, moving slowly and obliviously to all other traffic. Thou shalt generally proveth that thou is incapable of polite and logical movement of any kind and by any means.
- Thou shalt screameth and shouteth and hollereth and carry on in the loudest and most ear-shattering way possible in the name of the Lord, Korean God, at all times but most especially when most unnecessary. Thou must drive thine neighbors and adjacent humans insane with thine whining, melodramatically-inflected, peasant’s vocal stylings to the point where they doth wishest to plucketh thine vocal cords out with their fingernails.
- Thou shalt make filthy and repugnant every surface and region of the Lord, Korean God’s Earth in which thou dost reside. Thou shalt honor Korean God with compost food and cartoonish churches and litter and boundary-less children and unwashed line one riding and public toilet desecration and negligent homicide and vehicular homicide and untreated mental illness and propaganda and gaudy churches and loudspeakers and fliers and brothels until the light of thy world doth die a thousand deaths and is thus extinguished leaving no hope or happiness.
- Thou shalt remain eternally unapologetic. Thou shalt blame the Japs or the Yanks or the Aborigine or the Chinese or thine critics. Thou shalt never aspire to advance socially or to acknowledge thine shortcomings.
And Koses didst deliver the Kommandments to the Klowns, who didst smack together their rotted gums and declare the Kommandments “traditional”. And the Klowns didst rejoice and sacrifice a family pet or three for “stew”, for they knewest that the Lord, Korean God, didst look upon them with favor and excuseth all behaviors normally suited for lower animals such as tapeworms and sewer rats. And there were many days of soju drinking and whoring and embezzlement and patent infringement and denial. And the thunder didst crash and the hope of humanity died.