The Human Centipede

I’m a lucky guy, I’ve been told. Lucky to have the opportunity to be part of such an old culture by living in Korea.

Lucky me.

Because Korea is such a tiny and relatively insignificant country (both physically and in terms of necessity), and because most world travelers (understandably) give this place a pass, what most people outside of Korea (and virtually all Koreans inside of Korea) know about the country’s culture (aside from ‘Gangnam Style’ and that there was a war here) is what is advertised by Koreans about how wonderful Korean culture is. In these (often bland and poorly conceptualized) ads, Korea is a “world class” country, worthy Olympic host and home of a completely unique and ancient culture.

Again. Lucky me.

And how dare I think any differently?  How dare I argue that Korean culture is NOT unique, NOT beautiful?

What Klowns would have you believe about Korean culture is that:

  1. It is unique
  2. It is ancient
  3. It is “world class”
  4. It is something that other people are interested in and is “popular”
  5. It is based upon some collectivist respect and thus “beautiful”

But the reality of Klown Kulture is:

  1. It is almost entirely ripped off from other cultures, predominantly the Chinese and Japanese, but basically any of their historical conquerors.  There is very little that is unique about Korea, from its architecture to its food to its music.  Those aspects that are unique are generally uninteresting or disgusting, such as fecal wine, decomposing cabbage and things that aren’t really original but bastardized copies, such as the hambok, pansori and k-pop.
  2. Pretty much everything advertised as “traditional” Korean culture was developed (copied) within the last couple of hundred years, which makes “Korean culture” no older than American culture.  That which is older is either blatantly copied or selectively ignored (such as the Korean totem pole, a connection to the shared  heritage with North American aboriginals).
  3. “World class” would suggest that people around the world both respect and seek to emulate a culture.  Aside from some functionally-retarded Koreaboo K-poppers and those paid to smile and say Korea is great, there is nothing “world class” about Korea’s “unique” culture.  About the closest was a nod from Obama about the education system producing results, but bear in mind that is the enormous failure that is the US education system making a nod to the unbelievably inefficient Klown education system.
  4. Paying for a full page ad in the NYT times or on a billboard in Times Square does not make you “popular”, it makes you desperate and pathetic.  I’m sure there are some third-world shitholes where Klown seems a step up since they have flashing lights and shiny cars, but “popular”?  Klown is about as interesting as Psy.  That is to say it’s a sideshow that gets 5 minutes of your attention because it’s so fucking loud and insistent, but really it isn’t anything to write home about.
  5. There is absolutely nothing “respectful” about Klown kulture.

Klown Kulture is the Human Centipede, and that’s pretty much all one needs to know to understand it.

So what is the Human Centipede social model?

Well, if you have seen the movie, you know that a mad scientist sews a group of captive strangers together, asshole to mouth, so that what one ingests is defecated into the mouth of the next segment and so on and so forth.  The basic concept is the driving force behind modern Korean society.  Allow me to explain:

You see, Korea set out almost 70 years ago with pockets full of American and Japanese money, and delusions of grandeur fueled by occupation-era nationalism and churchy manifest destiny beliefs.  From one of the poorest nations on Earth, South Korea rose (heavily assisted) through the ranks to join the economic elite.  Sure, sure, the entire economic model was based on patent infringement, sweatshop labor and price fixing, but ethical or not, they got where they wanted to get.

That kind of insane, exponential progress does not come naturally/organically, and it doesn’t come without cost and sacrifice.  Absent some miracle of circumstance that leaves but one economic power in the region (there wasn’t anything close to that), the only way from the bottom of the list to the top, ahead of very capable competitors, is by cheating.  Okay, let’s call it “very loose ethics”, both with the domestic population (brainwashed then subjugated at near slave labor wages) and internationally with trade partners (i.e. Samsung’s history).  And even then, such growth requires a singular focus, on a national and cultural scale, over generations… such that all else is obfuscated… perhaps it is paid lip service but is no longer practiced.

Social development in Korea over the last few generations has been abyssmal.  There are near-starving third-world countries with better levels of community respect than Korea.  I’d wager you’d be better off expecting community-mindedness in Mogadishu than in Seoul.  Klowns like to say, “Oh, it’s bali bali (hurry hurry) culture”, but that’s a cartoonish and cutesy way of saying, “Our lives are nothing but externally-demanded, self-imposed, self-perpetuated stress.  We exist in a constant state of stress.  Psychologists should use us and not rats for experiments in stress.  This is why our suicide rate is the highest in the developed world and why our subjective well-being scores are the lowest in the world.  If we stop to think about our lives objectively, we want to leap from the nearest tall structure.  We are in hell.”

Stress has to go somewhere.  It is full of kinetic energy.  While certainly some of it goes into a soju bottle and is then vomited out full force onto a school playground, or delivered by hand into the face of one’s spouse, there is just too much stress and unhappiness being cultivated to just drink or wife-beat away.  That is why modern Korean culture, which has nothing to do with King Sejong or hamboks or kimchi, and which is possibly the world’s most selfish and psychologically destructive, is all about the Human Centipede.

Chairman and CEO Kim has a lot of money, but he is getting stress from those pesky international watchdogs who are questioning his falsified safety reports and international bribes.  He is treated like a demi-god in Klown but like the ghetto-lottery-winning peasant pig fucker he his in any other country.  He is drunk at noon.  He needs to vent.  Thank Korean Jesus that he is of a higher “kaste” than other Klowns!  Time to release.

CEO Kim visits VP Park.  Kim scream-talks at Park for 15 straight minutes about how every ill in the known universe is Park’s fault and how could Kim have let him marry his daughter and how Park is a useless waste of space who should have been aborted as a fetus.  Park hangs his head and nods through the verbal assault.

Park, not able to question the higher kaste of CEO Kim, needs to vent his stress.  The brothels don’t open until 3pm, and that highschool dropout with the lazy eye and the sub-70-IQ-lopsided-grin won’t start until 4.  He zips down to see Team Leader Lee.  Park shout-talks at Lee in front of his workers about how pathetic he is.  Park’s goal is to break Lee, but Lee just bows his head like a scolded mongrel and apologizes.  Now hoarse, Park returns to his office to one-shot single-malt and sexually harass his secretary.

Team Leader Lee composes himself and proceeds to launch into a verbal tirade about how his team members are incompetent, useless cum-wads who couldn’t finish a worthwhile project if the great and legendary Admiral Lee Soon Shin himself commanded it.  Worker Choi pauses his handphone game and lowers his head in deference.

Worker Choi works extra unpaid hours because Team Leader Lee is staying late.  Neither is doing any work, instead surfing the internet and sending kakao messages to whores, but they must stay late to “save face”.  Worker Choi’s wife has called to scream at him several times.  The most recent call, however, was more civil as Choi’s wife had taken to beating their teenage son for getting 97% and not more on a recent middle school exam.  She felt better, but Choi did not.

Finally, Team Leader Lee leaves, and so Worker Choi can leave as well.  Eager to pay it forward, Worker Choi, proceeds to cut off seventeen drivers before parking in the middle of a crosswalk in front of the local Anma parlor.

Taxi Driver Kim (no relation) was on his 13th consecutive hour of driving.  On his way to a taxi soju-drinking hotspot for mid-evening breaks, he is cut off by Worker Choi.  Despite having nearly caused 64 accidents that very day, Taxi Driver Kim is incensed and decides to drive his next fare, a drunk woman named Kim (again, no relation) in entirely the wrong direction.  He grits his teeth as he drives.

30 minutes after getting into Kim’s taxi, Kim realizes she is in the wrong place.  She screams at driver Kim.  Kim and Kim get into a shouting match.  Kim vomits all over Kim’s back seat.  Kim and Kim move outside the taxi to scream some more.  They are located 10 meters from Mr. Lee (no relation)’s window.  Mr. Lee’s baby wakes up, screaming.  The screams resonate through Mr. Lee’s head as he is hungover from getting falling down drunk at 6pm.  He is sleeping passed out on the floor.  His wife is sleeping with a black eye in the other room with the baby.  She decides to let the child scream just to annoy her husband.

Next door, student Kim (no relation) is up very late studying for a test.  He will get severely beaten with a stick by his mother if he does not score 100%.  He is seriously contemplating suicide.  The screaming baby from next door is pushing him over the edge but he dare not say anything because Mr. Lee and his wife are older than he is.

The next day, after discovering Student Kim’s body flattened to the pavement after a 19-story jump, Student Kim’s mother, Mrs. Lee (no relation) storms into the school to scream and flail at any teacher or administrator she might find for pushing her son to kill himself.  She slaps Teacher Kim (no relation) across the face then flops around like a fish at the bottom of a boat, screaming hysterically as she has been taught to do by countless television “dramas”.

Teacher Kim berates the English teacher, Chris, calling him a slob and telling him the parents and students don’t like him.  Teacher Kim says that Chris’s contract won’t be renewed….

And thus you get the Human Centipede.  Developed of a culture where it is virtually ensured that no healthy expression of dissatisfaction is allowed… where Konfucian piety and perceived martyrdom are far more important than honest communication…. where drama supersedes logic… where the most important part of making a point is how loud you are and and how many people are watching, as opposed to how much sense you make.

One person shitting on another.  The shat upon “understanding the situation” of the shitter, then proceeding to dump a hot load of now twice-digested shit on the next person down the totem pole.

World-leading suicide rates

Lowest birth rates

Highest divorce rates

Lowest (or second lowest) happiness rates

This is modern Korea.  Klown Kulture.

No wonder all ethics and civility has been abandoned.  In civilized society, adherence to ethics and civility carries with it the reward of increased social status, or at the very least intrinsic reward.  Here, failure to treat others with the same disdain and disrespect with which you have been treated is a sign of weakness.  So much so that a social “win” is a loss incurred by someone else at your hand, not matter how petty or insignificant.

Unpaid debts to family members, businesses opened for the sole purpose of collecting user fees and then never opening, “microaggressions” in traffic of any sort, neglect for even the most basic safety concerns… these are the kinds of behaviors you find in the poorest, least-educated, most chemically-dependent shithole neighborhoods in the world… oh yeah… and everywhere in Klown.

It’s a way of life, and how DARE you, you gojang-ii fuck, question it!  Just shut your mouth, bow your head and visit hell on the next person to cross your path like a normal Klown!

When the economy here collapses, as it will in about 4 years, there will be absolutely nothing left to motivate Klowns.  The streets will be littered with bodies.  China and the US may both be eager to wash their hands of the drooling, flailing, sputtering mess that is the Koreas… a mess they have thus far only barely tolerated for monetary and geopolitical maneuvering reasons.

Why would they want to keep such utterly failed states around as “allies” and “friends”… especially in light of how these Klowns treat one another.

This is the land that has forgotten community, that has completely forgotten dignity, that has forgotten hypocrisy.  It is epidemic.  It has infected all levels of Klown society.  There is no globalization here.  There is only shit or swallow.

Crawling through the phlegm and filth on all fours, both waiting for and dreading the next “meal”.

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32 thoughts on “The Human Centipede

  1. Why don’t you just leave the country? You sound like an intelligent person. I’m sure you would not have trouble making a living back home.

  2. You’re an aweswome writer, imho.  You’ve heartened and enlightened me in ways I cannot describe.  Thanks This installment was worth the wait.  All The Best, Joan
    ________________________________

  3. Pingback: Reflective Formality | klownisms: life in Klown

  4. You could deconstruct every society on earth in a similar way using your method of cherrypicking all that one dislikes about a place and inflating it into some crappy straw man argument that is nothing but a culmination of personal “insights” with (very) far reaching connections to facts and statistics.

    Another English teacher with a degree in Basket Weaving from a college no one has heard of rambling on the internet about that which he doesn’t fully understand. 한국에 처음 왔을 때부터 한국어를 배워하는 노력하지 않았죠?

    The truth is that people are the same anywhere and Korea isn’t any different. There are a lot of great things about Korea as well, unfortunately uneducated ESL-tards like yourself haven’t developed the requisite mechanisms for learning how to cope with a society that operates in fundamentally different ways than your own. I’d bet $1000 that you’d write an identical blog regardless of whether you lived in China, Japan, or any other country in this hemisphere. You’re simply ill-equipped to adapt.

    And for that reason you should just stop writing this wall of bullshit and go home. The money isn’t worth it. You’re doing more harm than good to this country, to your students, and to yourself.

    Go.

    Home.

    • Oh for the love of….

      Another hypocritical Koreaboo here from (I assume Dave’s) to “win” the internet for the day.

      Okay… let’s just get something out of the way first of all so that we can just know where we stand and establish our relationship properly before I write anything else – fuck you. There. Now that that has been said I can go on.

      I guess you didn’t read the part where it said “Don’t read this blog” in direct reference to Klowns like yourself. Again, why you would feel the need to read an entire post, let alone comment on one, is really beyond me. But I have a few minutes right now so I’ll humor your idiocy.

      You say I could deconstruct any society to find what I don’t like. Sure, that’s possible. But that’s beside the point. I live in Korea. I am choosing to focus my commentary on Klownisms, so what the motherfuck is your point? That other places have problems, even deep-rooted and severe social problems, and therefore my commentary on the severe social problems of Klown are invalid? If there are seriously fucked up societies around the globe, does that mean Americans should stop being self-critical about their own culture? Does that mean other countries around the world should just shut up and be grateful when one lobby-slave US president fucks over one or another group of people because “you can find fault with any society”? I love hearing this argument, especially from wilted-dick internet hero fucks such as yourself, because it invalidates itself. That this is your lead-off is even more telling. But to make you feel like the hero you imagine yourself to be, you are right. I could deconstruct any society and find fault with it. Thing is that with some societies, that would take a lot more effort than with others. I don’t need to actively find fault with Klowns. I don’t need to look for it. In fact, I try my goddamnedest to ignore the social faults here, but they just keep screaming in my face, slapping me upside the head. The chase me wherever I go. As I write this to you now, at 11pm, the neighbors have decided to let their two toddlers play in the hallway outside my door. Their idea of play is to literally scream as loud as the human vocal chords will allow them to – over and over and over and over and over. On my way up to my apartment tonight, I had to use the alternate wheelchair-level set of buttons in the elevator as someone who lives here had decided to fucking spit a gob of phlegm all over the main set of buttons. De-fucking-lightful. I didn’t need to research this, I didn’t need to seek it out, I didn’t need to rack my brain – it was all there on full, glorious Klowny display. And that is just two examples of a day – like all days here – filled with that kind of shit. And I don’t live in the ghetto. There are no drug addicts here. I live in a “nice” area. The parking garage, minus my shitbox Kia, is filled with imported German cars and shiny new domestics. I don’t NEED to deconstruct Klown. It has already self-destructed. I just need to step over the broken pieces.

      Next, I like your use of “straw man”. Classic. Among those with absolutely nothing better to do that try and “win” internet … points?… the term straw man is (was actually) in vogue. There’s nothing “straw man” about the painfully obvious. I’m not ignoring Korea’s “logic” and calling it something else. In fact, this isn’t even a fucking debate or argument at all. What the ever-loving fuck made you think that it was? Why have you typed anything here at all? Fuck off. I see Klowns scream-talking to each other and I say, “Some Klowns were scream-talking to each other and it hurt my brain” and now suddenly we’re not only in a debate but I’m somehow guilty of logical fallacy? I think you need to check the term, examine your original comment here and figure out who is closer to pulling a “strawman argument”. Fucking douchebag.

      Next up: my “(very) far reaching connections to facts and statistics”. What the fuck school did you go to? The Montessori College of Internet Winning? There isn’t anything “far reaching” about statistics like the ones you’ll find here. World-leading suicide rates (minus Greenland, which is an exceptional case and Lithuania, which despite having some serious drug, alcohol, unemployment and ethnic problems is at basically the same rate as Korea, which bills itself as a first-world global leader) coupled with the lowest subjective well-being scores (a standard for “happiness” measurement sociologically speaking) aren’t fucking “far reaching”. There isn’t anything being fuzzed there. It’s pretty fucking stark and clear. When I talk about TB rates in South Korea being “third world”, that’s because they fucking are. Look it up. Look at the names that precede Korea in terms of per capita rates of infection for TB worldwide. They are not developed nations. When I say that Korea has a serious problem with TB compared to other countries it wants to compare itself to, I have trouble seeing how that is “far reaching”. How about problems with alcohol? Soju is the best-selling alcoholic spirit in the entire fucking world despite the fact that it is consumed almost exclusively by Koreans, which constitute a mere 0.7% of the global population. Fuck you “far reaching”. Why go on? It’s clear you don’t have, and don’t want to have, a clue. I’ll get to the WHY of that… but moving on…

      “Another English teacher with a degree in Basket Weaving from a college no one has heard of” – bitch, what the fuck do you know about my level of education. Just because I’m a bit liberal with my use of expletives doesn’t mean I graduated from the same piece of shit kommunity kollege you’ve apparently received a degree from. You don’t like what I have to say, but that doesn’t make it wrong, and it sure as shit doesn’t make me uneducated. As for rambling about something I don’t understand, you need to look in the mirror buddy boy. You remind me of those Klown waegook twatbag fuckstains that brag about the “Masters Degree” they received while in Klown, despite the fact that there is a 99% pass rate for the program and most of the work was done online with little to no expectations of quality or punctuality… all so the “university” could claim it had foreigners enrolled. Again, and I mean this with all due respect and sincerity, fuck you.

      You wrote a sentence in Korean. Feel proud? I wonder how many hours of unpaid time you had to spend learning a completely useless language (in the global sense) to a level where you can serve as a party favor or be featured on some radio show for 50k won and pat on the head. So you’ve chosen to waste your time learning rudimentary Korean. Does that make you better than me? If I have more money in the bank than you, does that even the score? What are you going to do with your basic Korean? Win internets? It’s certainly not the best financial investment of time… so you do it for some other reason. I’m guessing to “act like a douche on the internet”. Why would you assume that some TOPIK level 1 Korean writing would give you some kind of authority or intellectual high-ground? I’m looking at the content of what you say, not the manner with which or even the language with which you choose to communicate it when I say this: fuck you.

      Your third paragraph: No, fuckbag, people aren’t the same everywhere. Human nature is what it is as the most basic level, but that’s why we have civilization. It is the container, the leash, the anti-savagery framework – it is that which prevents people from acting like Klowns. Some societies are more successful at this than others. Some combinations of consequences, intrinisic/extrinsic motivation, hierarchy of needs fulfillment, praise, pride and self-policing work better than others. You can find assholes everywhere (I’m writing to one now), but rarely in the sheer density and frequency that you can in Klown, particularly not in the “developed world” of high GDP-per-capita and infrastructural development. That isn’t because society “operates in a fundamentally different way than my own” and I lack the “proper coping mechanisms”, it is because Klowns are fucking assholes who feel entitled and even obligated to treat people around them inhumanely. It is socially reinforced. Fuck, it is socially rewarded in many cases. So if “acting like an Asperger’s-suffering peasant with an anger management issue and chemical dependency problems” means “operating in a fundamentally different way”, then yes… yes… I lack the coping mechanisms to deal with that. I lack the coping mechanisms to deal with the fundamentally different way that Klowns actively conspire to make every corner of this country as deeply unpleasant, fucking filthy and polluted and dangerous as possible. Stupid me for not understanding their culture. Too bad I don’t have the “coping mechanisms” of totally and completely abandoning my senses of pride, sanitation, respect, justice, self-preservation and community.

      You claim, and this I hear all the time to my great amusement, there are “a lot of great things about Korea as well”… but again, as always, don’t actually name any of them, because they sound pathetic and pale. Let me help you out. Here are the ‘great things’ about Korea: 1) it isn’t Somalia or Afghanistan, 2) if you like to pay for sex and drink extremely low-quality alcohol on the cheap, it is a smorgasbord here, 3) it is convenient to buy useless shit at any time of the day, 4) the subway is cheap albeit filled with Klowns, 5) someone willing to work hard can bank some money, albeit with a hard plexiglass ceiling of earning power. Wow. You’re right! That totally makes up for the soul-crushing, health-destroying, hate-fueled demolition derby! I can buy a bottle of completely shitty beer for 2 bucks at 3am, and that totally excuses the food garbage, vomit and phlegm I needed to step over on the way to the store, the black sedan that almost ran me over and the group of men my father’s age screaming outside the apartment complex that deafened me. Thanks for the pick me up. I heard Baghdad has a long and rich history, and beautiful desert scenery to complement its ancient culture. I think you’d like it there. You should book a ticket. Write back about the “great things” that you find there. One bonus about you traveling to the desert is that there will be a whole fuckton of sand for you to stick your head in.

      So then what?

      You come to my blog, which you know you won’t like, read it, then post some comment basically saying that you don’t like my generalizations before you then generalize like the hypocrite you are (i.e. another ESL-tard, colleges nobody has heard of blah blah blah). You act offended at my offensive comments, imagine yourself on the moral highground and then proceed to try to be as offensive as possible. You say nothing of value, have nothing but loose conjecture and butthurtedness to toss around, then call my citations “far reaching” as if you had bothered to actually read any of them let alone use that last functioning synapse of yours to ponder if I might not be on to something. And after all I’ve written on how Klowns are dragging Korea down into the putrid cesspool, I’m the one not helping the country? Fuck. You. People like YOU and the other Klowns out there remaining impotent, docile and excusatory when you see how abusive and dangerous Klowns are, just standing around, flaccid as fuck, while kids are buried, families are destroyed and souls are crushed… YOU are the ones doing far, far more harm to this country than good. But in typical Klown fashion, you have zero ability to be self-critical, self-aware or selfless. You’re a festering herpes sore on the anus of the species. Fucking kunt, coming in here as if I need to hear your moronic, drooling, self-righteous fuckbaggery, as if you had anything, anything at all of value to add. You have nothing. You vapid fucking twat. Get the fuck off my blog and don’t come back.

      • Bravo, sir. I may have to refer this blog to some local Koreaboos, just to help produce some side gold like this bit above..

      • The screen name “ProfessionalExpat” says it all. By professional, this guy probably means “Professional copy editor at the Korea Times”, or “Professional Foreign Teacher Hagwon Manager.” You know how you can tell when other white-skinned expats have divorced themselves from reality here? When they start posting in Korean on other foreigners’ websites. While expats who complain frequently can be irritating; they don’t hold a candle to the expats who have “gone local” in Korea. These people almost always criticize other foreigners as having come to this country because they couldn’t achieve anything back home, but in reality, the expats who have ‘gone local’ or ‘fully assimilated’ are by far the creepiest, most socially isolated, crying-for-attention-and-approval humans you will ever meet on this peninsula.
        This guy doesn’t realize that being ‘CEO’ of some shitty study room that he runs with his wife out of a dumpy officetel doesn’t make him a “Professional Expat”. Professional expats don’t STAY here, they move on to places where it makes sense to raise a family and live long-term. Furthermore, “professional” expats don’t spend all of their time on Dave’s ESL Cafe or the Marmot’s hole trolling for Korea-critical blogs to post comments on. You have to love all the white guys on Dave’s ESL cafe who claim to be “professionals”.
        You raise a valid point about Koreaboos, and how they purposely read things that piss them off. You have, in harsh terms, deconstructed the reality that they have built up around themselves. For the love of Christ, why do these morons submit themselves to reading pages and pages of postings that are simply going to piss them off? I’ll never understand Western people who are blindly in love with Korea, and to be honest, most Koreans I know would not understand these people either.
        They don’t understand the yin and yang extremes that lay on either side of the wet-noodle middle ground expat experience. They don’t understand that for “Eat Your Kimchi” and other similar sites to exist, the internet needs Klownisms to provide ideological and literary balance on the opposite end of the spectrum. Koreaboos’ mentality of “If you don’t praise Korea, you should leave.” is bizarre and cult-like; almost North Korean. “Praise the dear leader, or get out!” But that’s what you’d expect, right? After all, these white morons are trying to permanently immigrate to, and assimilate into a society that tens of thousands of locals, annually, are doing everything they can to escape from, and never come back.

  5. After having lived in South Korea, I was happy today to find the truth of everything I had felt, and gone through as a businessman working with Koreans. You have the acumen of James Joyce, and I thank you for putting all of this together. Those who disagree with you are either:

    1. Koreans who will feel shame because they are desperate to make people believe the lie that they are a great country.

    2. People who have invested in Korea- e.g….Western husbands who live in the vortex of the ‘inferno’ and want to pretend they are in some kind of perfect place (although they self medicate with soju and always stick up for the place, they are going through so much torture in life that they secretly will agree with everything you say.

    3. People who have not lived in South Korea.

    • I think you’ve got a great, simple breakdown of the main demographic groups right there. To stay positive about Korean society, you really need to have some very powerful motivator to cause you overlook things that are so painfully obvious that they take great effort to ignore.

      For a lot of expats here, there is a deep and desperate need to see Korea as preferable (socially) to their lives back home. I think they fall into a few basic groups:

      – those whose social lives back home, whether due to awkwardness or poverty or mental illness, were particularly harsh and depressing… they were in no way special, generally unliked or ignored, and then they came to South Korea, where they were a novelty. Sure, the attentions (and the friendships) were shallow, but it sure beat getting wedgies at school, getting laughed off by women and getting bullied by everyone. They think that they owe Korea. Of course, they don’t want to think about the fact that they are despised so deeply that mainstream TV networks run stories on how they are all sexual predators… they don’t want to hear the racist and xenophobic talk about them… they only want to hear “tee-chuh so han-sum!” and the little gasps and applause when they perform some Klown trick like speaking Korean or wearing a hambok.

      – a variation of the above – they completely struck out back home – but with a sort of dementia that causes them in their bitterness to distort both the western world and the korean one so that the west is what the Norks want everyone to believe and Korean is what the Klowns want to believe. These expats are mentally weak, extremely open to suggestion and incapable of critical thought in the face of public and social pressure to conform

      – those who have married Koreans. Often their in-laws financially support them in one way or another. They feel superior to us lowly E2s, no matter how long we’ve been in country or how well we’ve done for ourselves here. Everything is translated for them by their wives. Mundane tasks like going to the bank or signing up for a cell phone are done for them, so many of the daily situations that the rest of us suffer through with Klowns are taken out of the equation. They kind of live in a nice little bubble, protected from the threats of employers, the interactions with Klowns in service and government jobs etc etc. They kind of live in a social gated community within Klown. Must be nice.

      – Korean gyopos. These are the worst fucking apologists known to man. They haven’t ever needed to pave their own way. They didn’t to suffer the realities of Klownisms growing up, but they still got the brainwashing. They came back to Klown with a cushy job all lined up for them by their relatives, no financial stress (no student loans, no rent to pay, 100% disposable income). They can get away with so much more socially here that, back home, would get the shit kicked out of them. They don’t like whitey. Didn’t like whitey back in the US, don’t like whitey now.

      – the truly on edge. These poor fuckers really need to be medicated with SRIs or antipsychotics or something, but of course they can’t get the help they need here. The only thing holding them back from hurting themselves or others is getting lost in Klown Kulture. You mentioned self-medicating with soju… If these guys saw Klown the way I do, they’d be on the news.

      – internet heroes. Fuck these guys. It’s never about reality. It’s all about “winning” through selective and willful ignorance. These are the worst kind of Klowns. At least Korean Klowns have the excuse of having been mentally broken on the wheel of the Klown system from infancy…

      I sometimes see these Koreaboo fucks out with their Klown friends. The Klowns have them seated predominantly so that everyone in the place sees their foreign friend. Backs are slapped. One shot toasts are made. Selfies are taken. The whole thing is as shallow as a designer handbag.

      I sometimes get the chance to talk with these Koreaboo kum-guzzlers after a while in kuntry. They come in their early 20s, but after a few years the stories are how they’ve been abandoned by their Klown friends. They reach out to other expats for leads on jobs. They need a place to crash. TBS no longer wants them on the radio. Their novelty has worn off and, like an old handbag, they’ve been forgotten and replaced. The lucky ones keep their sanity a while longer by getting passed from one Korean group of foreigner-curious friends to another, rotating to a new group every year or so when the old group gets tired of them, until they are 30+ and no longer exciting or able to be “displayed” at a hotspot.

      The married Klown defenders plug into Klown “friendships” via their wife, but social groups outside that connection are similarly rotated regularly. They have a lot of time to argue about shit on the internet because nobody is blowing up their phone.

  6. I must agree with you once again with the gyopo’s. I always thought that they had a chip on their shoulder because back in the towns where they were raised, none of the hot women liked them ((the men) and the white women thought the women were strange (which they are), and everyone sort of picked on them. Now that they are in Korea they truly feel like they have the chance to get even. They, however, have some kind of desire to be associated with The U.S or Canada by talking English really loud, or dressing like they are cool, but in reality they never were accepted and will never be accepted. So they put on this front like they are and were cool, but when they see white people they once again have memories of being nothing in society.

    What I find really interesting is the fact that Korea can really get to so many people. Just walk into any office or bar with sensible foreigners- Canadians, Americans, English, French, Philippino’s , etc….and the first thing you will hear is people talking about all the crap that goes on. I have never been in a country where so much total crap piles up. So I know exactly how you feel.
    I am certain that Koreans know exactly what they are inside- and thus, when they ask you if you like Korea, they all are waiting to see your reaction. Sort of like a homeless man who did not bathe in years, and yet puts on deodorant and hopes that you will never get a true wiff of his stench- that is Korea. So you get these people who live in place like South America and Koreans go there and try to push their culture down the throats of all- they do this by showing t.v programs with perfect houses, sophisticated people- nobody spitting, nobody doing any of the crap I used to see everyday, and this image is what those far away people see.

    But I actually feel sorry for Korea. First of all, there is so much crap in their history. Did you know that Jack London came to Korea, and he said that Koreans are worth nothing except carrying things on their backs. The first western sailor who went to Japan marveled at the high society and beauty of Japan. I have been to Japan numerous times and I love and respect the people.
    Korea is just a little country that never did anything and never will. They want to have the recognition of the cool countries, but they will never get it. Could you imagine some French guy running up to tourists asking them if they like French food, or French wine, or this or that….or some Londoners going to South American trying to get small countries to watch their movies, or soap operas, or listen to their music? If something is good, nobody needs to pitch it. But when something is flawed, spoiled, rotten inside- that is when someone needs to sell it, because they are hoping that there are some really stupid people who will buy into their flag waving, and this will make Koreans feel better about themselves. Why do you think so many Koreans kill themselves????
    My association with Korea was exactly like yours, and so were my associates, and my close friends.

    • Well I’d agree the way they pitch the culture can be annoying and tryhard…but when I was there everything was CLEAN. My hotel was in Coex, though. There was no spitting, and everyone was polite as heck and the food was great. I also went to visit some mountain for hiking and took the subway and buses. No spitting or trash.
      I’d actually asked people where the bums are because you can’t even avoid those in fancy areas in the US. It turns out that area is in Kangnam…which is famous now because of Psy’s song. My friends DID tell me not to go to Itaewon and other areas they considered to be bad or dangerous.
      So I’d say maybe you just live in a dump…That’s like somebody living in South Central LA or Appalachia, and then going on the internet in Korean and telling people…This is America. We do as much fake promoting of the US and glossing over the bad parts as Koreans.
      Maybe that’s where they got the idea. I’m sorry you are having such a shitty time there. Just like here, everything is nicer and more fun if you have a lot of dough and stay in a nice place.

  7. I’m married to a Korean but I don’t feel superior to E-2s or anyone else.Yes, I have had a lot of help from my wife getting a cell phone and credit cards etc. However, I am slowly learning the language.It is tough to get motivated though.It kinda goes in spurts.There have been months where I study everyday and then several months to where I don’t study at all. Unfortunately, my in-laws are poor so we had to buy all of our furniture and get the apartment and car,etc. by ourselves on our teacher salaries.Tough!!haha.I would go back home in a heartbeat but I screwed up and got a useless degree in science.Now I am just waiting to save up enough to go back home.Hopefully, I can find a job there.I do try to make myself feel as much at home as possible in our concrete box apartment.For instance,I got a dryer,I use the dishwasher(most homes I go to it’s used as a drying rack) and I may get a garbage disposal and a heatlamp for the bathroom.Still puzzles me that even in new apartments, the bathrooms are still cold in winter.I don’t think they use insulation even in new apartments!! I could go on and on….Anyway, keep on blogging!!

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  15. Well there are a lot of koreans who feel that way…prob mainly those at the bottom. But that’s the way it is in the US…Latin America…etc. This was funny because it is kind of true. Having lived there, it is NOT like Kpop and the dramas and stuff that we all love. Many people have it hard. But because housing is too expensive IMHO…kind of like some places in the US.
    Luckily I was working as a foreigner and everyone was so nice to me. But my coworkers worked 6 days a week…left sometimes at like 8PM…or later and got in at 7 or 8. I have to say I was still more productive than some of the employees there. But nobody expected me to stay late (for no reason) or work on Saturday.
    Also, nobody really yells at work…that I saw. People know the hierarchy, so I guess they can avoid getting yelled at. My favorite part was lunch and all the snack breaks at work. It was like kindergarten. Morning snack break, lunch, and afternoon snack break…plus smoke breaks. 😀 And the flavored coffee.
    But there was one guy who had been studying in the US until his dad couldn’t afford it anymore. You could tell he was like Get me the F out of here. 6-day work week gets old. But I had fun. Miss some of my coworkers, too. If I ever get rich, I’m going to start a company and hire all of them and let them work 5-days a week.

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