Man’s Best Friend

It has been written how poor man is amongst the animals, how pitiable, as man has but two, and only two friends in the world – the horse and the dog.

Of those, it is the dog that has been called, “Man’s Best Friend”, a companion, a guard, an animal domesticated 13,000 years ago to be our amigo, sometimes even a savior.

In Korea, dogs go by a different name adherent to the lovely traditional culture: “lunch”.

Curse us Western Imperialists! Curse us for trying to dictate what forms of meat are and aren’t acceptable to eat! Do we not slaughter pigs, who are “every bit as intelligent as dogs”? How dare we try and rob from Korea its virtuous and unspoiled traditional culture!

Dog meat, prepared usually as a stew of sorts in Korea, has long been the target of animal rights activists from the West. I can see why. Klowns don’t. It isn’t about the meat per se, it is about the preparation. The dogs are kept in conditions a calf being prepared for veal would be envious of. But that’s the best part. Then there is the torture.   Videos here, here, here and here.

You see, dogs are not ajosshi. They are far, far down the Human Centipede chain. And as detailed in that post, there is nothing Klowns love more than abusing others. Klown Katnip. So when the opportunity comes to torture a defenseless animal, well they make sure to do it right. Dogs are strung up from trees by their ankles, beaten repeatedly (I’ve heard 100 non-lethal strikes is the best), burned alive, raped anally with a sandpaper-covered crowbar, made to watch doggy snuff films, given the old bamboo under the fingernails and – in the most extreme cases – forced to listen to K-pop. Okay, well only the first few are confirmed, but I’m sure there are a few “bonus” tortures thrown in. In the civilized world, people understand that animals eat other animals as part of this crazy “food chain” thing, and that the slaughter of animals used for food needn’t be some drawn out, sick snuff porn of butchering. Rather, animals are killed quickly – necks snapped, decapitation, throat slit, bolt gun to the brain – then processed to be used as food. I can’t think of a contemporary western example of how any animal is aggressively tortured for an extended amount of time like Klowns torture dogs, for use as meat or otherwise.

Why? Well the more fear the dog feels, the more adrenaline it produces, which Klowns believe will alter the texture and taste of the meat in some meaningful way that excuses the … oh who are we kidding, these Klowns LOVE, just fucking love, torturing the poor fucking mutts.

Let’s not forget the “traditional” aspect of dog meat, which is to say that back when Korea was a dirt poor country of peasant farmers wallowing in their own stink and filth, spitting and slopping about, drinking the most vile of moonshines and having sex with teenagers… as opposed to today when Korea is a wealthy country of peasant farmers wallowing in their own stink and filth, spitting and slopping about, drinking the most vile of moonshines and having sex with teenagers… there wasn’t a whole lot of meat around. Much like today, meals consisted of compost. This is why SPAM is popular here, as an actual gift, because when the GIs came in to save Korea from… Korea… it was the only meat going. Klowns saying dog meat is “traditional” is like saying slavery is traditional. Sure, it was done, but the reasons for it weren’t pretty. Klowns can try and talk up dog meat and being somehow good for one’s health, which this site (predictably) has a big problem believing, or that it improves virility and sexual stamina. The latter is disproved daily by the hordes of disgusting, 3.8-incher ajosshi scum who roll their pasty, sweaty, bloated bodies off whores they started slobbering all over a mere 90 seconds earlier (no wonder whores here hate serving foreigners… with an ajosshi they’re done in a few minutes, free to spend the next 57 playing with their ‘handphones’, but with a foreigner they have to work for that whole hour). At any rate, it is born out of extreme poverty and desperation to kill for meat the animal you rely on for so many other aspects of life, especially as a farmer… continued, I’m guessing, because they just loved to torment the animals under the handy Klown excuse of “please understand my Kulture”.

Despite being traditional and wondrous and healthy and all things neat and nifty, Klowns have been backing away from dog meat when the practice starts to damage their “image” (hey Klown, your image abroad is shit… don’t worry about damaging something so utterly fucked and ruined). They did so during the ’88 Olympics (but proceeded to barbeque doves on live TV), and they’re doing it again now.

“There is no practice of eating dogs in Korea” is the money shot quote. Other articles have the issue downplayed in other ways, trying to say that it is an all-but-dead tradition in Korea, practiced only in the deep countryside blah blah blah. Below is a picture a friend shot on a trip last weekend to Ansan, hardly what one would call “the countryside”. Not content with torture before and during slaughter, the head must be mounted beside the carcass as if it were on a pike. That is fitting. Please take this image to symbolize Klown – socially medieval.


Once the issue has made the media rounds a bit, everything will go back to business as usual. Ferries will continue to operate without any meaningful safety oversight, old men will continue to burn shit to the ground when they throw man-child tantrums (Korean male Klowns are basically perpetually regressed children), work crews will continue to follow absolutely no safety protocols, medicine will be unsafely distributed, and dog meat will be just as unsanitary and sociopathic as ever. And the Koreans who aren’t Klowns, who are generally of the younger and better-traveled variety, either won’t ever question these “traditions”, or will be shouted down by their ajosshi Klown overlords; either way they’ll be bowing their heads and backing out the doorway.

But I propose something radical, something different – I say we parade dog meat eating, in all its glory, as loudly and proudly as possible, especially during the Olympics.

Come on Klowns! You want to be proud of your unique, special, 5,000-year-old culture, right? I mean, that’s what all the Times Square billboards and NYT ads and belligerence is about, right? Don’t hide it! Show the world! Have displays for tourists where toothless ajummas are beating yelping dogs half to death. Hell, why not skin them alive, China-style, to show your worldliness? Maybe a booth for visitors (assuming anyone would be stupid enough to pay to come here) where they can press the button that turns on the blow torch! Wheeee! Watch them squirm and squeal! It’s traditional! Have you heard about the Korea? Do you know the kimchi? You parade that shit, Klowns. You own it girlfriend! Let’s advocate the Klowns letting the world know how completely unapologetic they are for refusing to change social practices popularized in the 12th century. In fact, let’s take the face of our little friend up above and put that on the Korean flag… that way the true message of Klown will come across loud and clear, and people like the hordes of ESL teachers that come in year after year won’t feel lied to and scammed when the reality of Klown hits them…

The Proud Republic of Klown: Fuck you. We’re wallowing in thousand-year-old excrement and loving it.”

We Don’t Need No Water Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Busy week.  Busy week.

I get asked a lot about why I would stay in a place I despise so much.  Fair question, but complicated to answer in the single-sentence, monosyllabic way most Klown kommenters want to hear.  The dumbed down answer is money.  I have my public school gig, which after 8 years in country is finally a decent one.  I work morning corporates, then tutor in the evenings.  On the weekends I do some freelance classes and more tutoring.  I pull in decent coin, maybe 7-8 m krw monthly.  Back home I would pretty much be limited to regular business hours, and jobs outside of those hours are generally of the undesirable type. On the holidays I do various camps.  Sometimes I can pull a big month.  I don’t go off on vacations to Thailand, I don’t bang whores, I don’t really have any expensive habits or hobbies… What I do in Korea, increasingly with each passing year as to ensure the least amount of time possible in public spaces filled with Klowns, is work.  That is what Korea is to me – a work camp.  Watching waygooks trying to “enjoy Korea’s social culture” is like watching panicked, starved gulag prisoners trying to rabidly “enjoy” themselves at a social event, let’s say a dance, organized by the guards.  It isn’t actual fun, it’s artificial, forced-smile, only-when-piss-drunk fun.  An opportunity to take a selfie in front of some shitty K-bar or K-club and post it to Instagram to convince yourself that you’re “having fun”… meanwhile the guards with the Kalashnikovs are always hovering just a few feet away.

I’m just here to work.  So I’m busy.  But this has been an especially busy week.

The Blackhawks have stayed in the game against the evil LA Kings in their hunt for another cup.  The Sox have won 3 in a row.  The mayor of Chi-town is pushing some very smart legislation that would see everyone who buys a gun videotaped…

I have some fans posting links to my blog in a few places.  I have had people posting links from Denmark, Canada, New Zealand (where’s the love USA?)… and even one (or two) guys posting links actually pretending to be me.  As I have repeatedly said, I do not post links to this blog externally.  If you see a link on reddit, or Facebook or Dave’s or Korea Times or waygook or wherever, I didn’t post it.  I can’t stop you from linking this blog, so go ahead.  It doesn’t make me any wealthier, so I don’t really care if you do or don’t… but telling people to check out “your blog” then spamming links makes me look like… well… a hypocritical Klown.

At the school, as well as at one of my weekend gigs, there is no air conditioning, so that extra layer of blubber I packed on over the winter is causing me to sweat like a pig.  One thing I will say for Klowns is that the sweat a lot less than I do, generally speaking… which is good because while I might smell like meat when I sweat, they smell of fermented bean paste and acrid kimchi.

So yeah…. busy week…

Oh yeah, and the entire country of South Korea is on fire.

Old men like this one, mentally-broken victims of the Human Centipede, lighting subway seats on fire.  Nobody killed, this time.

Welders working in a crowded bus terminal and shopping center with world-famous-uh Klown safety standards and plenty of flammable material nearby killed 7 (so far) in Ilsan.

In a hospice in the south of the country, a dementia-sufferer was left to wander around, setting fires that killed 21 (so far).  Again, those first-world Klown safety standards are enviable.

Predictably, and sadly, the Klowns have learned absolutely buttfuck nothing from the Sewol sinking, other than how to exploit the death of 300 kids for personal gain or momentary celebrity… oh, and how the most korrupt Klowns, regardless of how fucked up, are allowed to escape the “law”, bags of cash in hand.  

Does anything else really need to be said?  Or does this just speak for itself?  We have another 28 on the body count, and that’s just what has been reported…. and it’s climbing.  Thank fuck most Klown men have no idea how to use a hammer, let alone a power tool, or we’d have DIYers burning down apartment complexes (even though they are basically poured Soviet-era cement blocks) left and right.  Thank double fuck Klowns that can’t buy guns like rednecks can.  Holy shit.  I don’t even want to think about how they would handle the burial of that many bodies….

As the heat rises and Klown brains melt faster than pit stains bloom in my dress shirt, I imagine next week will be even busier.

Symbolism, Iconism, Klownism

The human brain is a fragile thing.  It is a complex organ in which everything must be in a state of delicate balance.  Even a slight variation in the corpus callosum can produce an Einstein.  A deficiency in one neurotransmitter or another, caused naturally or as a result of external influences, can completely alter a person.  In the civilized world, where due respect is paid to modern medicine and the millions of hours invested by thousands of brilliant minds over the centuries in pursuit of more refined medical knowledge, medical treatments for chemical imbalances in the brain are employed as well-researched, well-vetted treatments for ailments of the most important, most sensitive of human organs.  In progressive, intelligent societies, much of what may have been termed “crazy” back in the era of Stoker-esque asylums is now a diagnosable, treatable “imbalance”.  In fact, now a century deep into modern behavioral and psychological sciences, the modern world has come to accept, dispel the myths of and even popularize the treatment of “maladies of the mind”.  This is not to say that our species has overcome the challenge of mental illness, or even that we have some close to understanding the brain in its entirety, but the progressive have embraced and come to respect the science.

And then there is Klown.

Klown understanding of modern medicine is… sketchy at best.  A huge variety of ailments are still treated with “traditional” techniques.  When I say “traditional”, I mean medieval.  I imagine that if Klown “doctors” could somehow connect blood-letting and leeches to “traditional kulture”, they’d have the blind nationalist Klown zombies lining up by the hundreds.  I’d mention vomitoriums, but that is already a big part of Klown kulture as evidenced by only every street on every city in the country.  The attitude of deliberate ignorance… that “Klown Knows Best”.

Now, I can’t be sure sometimes (most of the time) if Klownisms are the result of Klown Kulture or diagnosable psychological ailments.  Having searched the DSM-V front to back several times, I have found no listings for Klownophrenia, Klowntism or Klownentia… but damn it if it isn’t hard to distinguish the two sometimes.  Letting delicate human minds swim around in the radioactive, poisonous waters of the Klown Kulture Oceean without [private, non-publicized] access to (or even acceptance of) medical treatments for all things mental is as bad as putting guns in the hands of inbred, borderline retarded American hicks… maybe even worse given the disgusting population density of a place like Seoul compared to the wide-open, cousin-marrying spaces of redneck territory (not to mention the abundance of wildlife to shoot at versus the virtual extinction of all animals save mosquitoes, cockroaches, pigeons and stray cats… I mean shit, I think I’m hallucinating if I even see a squirrel here).  One has to wonder how many lives could be spared with a bit of sertraline, olanzapine or (klow)nazepam, or even some good old-fashioned counselling that didn’t include telling the sufferer they were too fat, should have a shot of soju, needed to eat some bottom-dwelling sea scum or that they should just see a whore.

In 2008, a Klown set fire to “Korean Cultural Treasure Number 1” in true Klowny dramatic, dignity-less fashion with some paint thinner and some cheap Klown lighters.  How “National Treasure Number 1”, located right in the heart of the city where important places like City Hall are, an area constantly full of “police”, was left so vulnerable at 8:50pm on a weekend is another story.  One imagines the dozens of Klown tourists that must have been stepping over Arsonist Chae as he squirted bottle after bottle all over the the columns and floors, averting their eyes and bowing their heads, unable to question the obvious authority granted Chae by virtue of his white hair.

Apparently, Chae was ripped off and cheated somehow (surprise sur-fucking-prise) by some Klown land developers.  According to Chae, he was angry at the government for backing the Korrupt developers (surprise sur-fucking-prise).  He had already served 18 months for arson at another Kultural heritage site.  It seems he really didn’t make any secret of his desire to see Klown burn, and he was high on up the Klowny ladder of prestig-ee.

The Namdaemun gate fiasco is noteworthy among other Klownisms (of which there are a seemingly unending supply) because of its symbolism.  Here we have ol’ silver-haired Chae, given some powdered weeds and acupuncture instead of actual medicine, several times over abandoned by the kulture that klaims to respect age.  I guess in the translation from Korean into “respect”, something is lost.  Further, in testament to the nation that tells the world, and itself, repeatedly, how war-ready and secure against attack it is, we have ol’ hyung-nim Chae spritzing accelerant all over the most important national kultural treasure, in an area swarming with conscript “soldiers” and “police”, surrounded by Klowns of all sorts, everyone “understanding his situation”.  Heads buried deep as kimchi jars in the dirt.  Imagine if Chae were a Nork covert asset (assuming the Norks were any better able to remove their craniums from their sphincters than their southern “brothers” are).  Holy shit.  Sleep safely Korea.

All under the original symbol of Korea.  Whatever Korea claims to stand for – culturally and traditionally – surely the Namdaemun gate must be considered the primary symbol thereof.  Though markedly less-refined, it is the Champs d’Elysees of Seoul, the Statue of Liberty of Korea.  It is Korean culture inkarnate.

The restoration of the gate was a huge issue.  It wasn’t just a rebuild, no, it was so important, so symbolic, so much a reflection of the heart and mind and soul and values of the Korean people and their culture, that it was to be rebuilt, by hand, using only the techniques and materials employed by the original builders of the gate centuries earlier.  This was billed (heavily) as a source of immense national pride.  A testament to the resolution and dedication of the Korean people.  A show of how much solidarity united the people of the Han in times of need. 

It is important to hammer home this point.  This was no mere construction project.  This was not a repainting of some castle somewhere in the countryside mentioned once on a highschool history exam.  No.  This was to be the project that would exemplify exactly what the Korean people were all about – how much their culture meant to them, how important it was to protect and preserve it, how responsible they were about righting wrongs, how awesome and beautiful traditional Korean culture was… in short this project would show Koreans how much their leaders respected them and would show the world how proud and beautifully indefatigable the traditions of Korea were.

No spoilers now.  Can you guess what happened?  Can ya?  C’mon, just speculate a second before scrolling on.  What have you been hearing about here?

You can read about it in detail here and here, but the basics are that the project was complete corruption and corner-cutting, and now we’re on to the great Klown traditional sport, passing the buck/blame game.  There was essentially no oversight on the project.  This massively important, expensive, symbolic, five year project was done blind, both literally (behind a sheet metal enclosure despite trumpeting the virtues of the the traditional methods being used – that nobody could see) and, well, literally, as this project was obviously not important enough to monitor, just as the last gate hadn’t been important enough to protect (but monitoring foreigners for AIDS, much more critical).

Moreover, the “traditional methods” were, of course, immediately abandoned once the Klown workers realized that it was hard to do, and once a cheaper (both in terms of quality and price) alternative was found.  Of course, less than a year later, the paint is peeling…. and this is just the first thing we’re hearing of.  How long before the entire thing collapses I wonder?

The “master Korean artisan” in charge, who is no doubt some Klown politicians idiot, FAS-suffering nephew, embezzled some 300 grand out of the project just by using cheap materials.  He was hired despite having no experience in any traditional restoration work, then given the kompany kredit kard, so to speak, much in the manner that Klown Korporation employees the kuntry over use their korporate kards for whiskey and group blowjobs from some of the hundreds of thousands of whores working in Klown.  The precedent is certainly there.  Now the blame game begins as federal blames local blames tax office blames KFDA blames Sewol third mate blames father blames stressful life until the public forgets about it and everyone involved behind the scenes gets a payout.

Symbolism.  Iconism.  Klownism.

What exactly can one conclude and learn about Korea and Korean culture from this?  This was supposed to be the symbol that would represent not just Korean culture, but the people who followed it and what they believed in.  Now, once again, the apologists and other Klowns will ask the rest of us to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  We will angrily be told that mistakes happen everywhere.  We will be told that, while embarrassing, this cannot be held to represent the Korean people, their values, ethical standards and traditions.  But that is exactly what “Korean Cultural Treasure Number 1” exists to do!

I’m told by Klowns and their “Bring out the Gimp” zipper-clad adorers the same boring, moronic things time after time in response to what I write here.

First I’m told that bad things happen all over the world, and that anyone can find social failures in any culture.  Yes.  That is, for the most part, true.  Human nature is far from perfect, and as effective as some cultures are in guiding humans toward civilized behavior, none are perfect.  It isn’t a debate or discussion about social failures around the world. Egypt is in the process of demolishing itself, but this isn’t a blog about Egypt and why would any Klown want to compare Korea to today’s Egypt?  Russia has a major issue with organized crime, but Korea isn’t exactly coming off a massive economic routing and left with no friends.  China has failures too, but the Koreans are fond of disparaging “Dirty China”, so I doubt they’d welcome the comparison. My home country has some serious problems – drug-addiction, gun violence and poor public education are some – but this isn’t a blog about the US of A.  This is a blog about Klown.

And speaking of the US of A, why are they so oft-hated internationally?  Despite ‘saving the western world’ several times over from political ideologies that would see us all worshiping a Kim-like leader, it’s probably because Americans can’t stop telling everyone around the world how great they are while they can’t fix their domestic problems.  At least the problems are acknowledged, discussed and attacked – being self-critical and proactive are about the only things that will save the American “empire”.  But those same Klowns hating on the US are probably the same ones cheering for Ddokdo ads in Times Square.  Why do I hate Klown so much?  Probably because Klown is incapable of hating itself enough to the stop telling everyone how flawless it is.  Probably because the more Klown fails, the louder it shouts about its infallibility.  When a problem with a society develops, pointing the finger at other societies and screaming “they’re worse” solves nothing and annoys everyone.  That black-hat/white-hat, blame the Soviets/blame the Muslims idiocy hasn’t worked for the States, so if you’re an America-critical Klown, maybe stop a moment and think on the meaning of the word “hypocrite”.  I’m an American, but I acknowledge the failures of my country.  I don’t seek to obfuscate them as if I were some kind of Holocaust denier.  Get a fucking klue, Klown.

Also, I’m usually told that I “don’t understand Korean culture”.  I think I have a whole post dedicated to the “please understand my culture” mantra, but I’ll delve into this once more briefly.  I’ve lived here 8 years.  I’ve worked my ass off while here, initially trying to see value in more than just my bank balance, but abandoning that futility, still in the trenches today, dealing with Korea and Koreans on a number of different levels.  To “understand a culture” doesn’t really require more than what I’ve already done.  You don’t need to have a Masters in Kulture from Klown “University”, you don’t need to read a hundred books on history, you don’t need to be fluent in Korean, you don’t need to BE Korean.  You just need to live it, pay attention to it and have at least two brain cells to rub together.  It really doesn’t matter how many Sewols or Namdaemuns or Asiana 214s or Jang Ja-Yeons are explained (quite appropriately) by Klown Kulture (or garbage piles or scream-talkers for that matter), true Klowns will always pull the “you don’t understand” card because, in reality, they don’t understand.  Perhaps, one day, like North Korean escapees who finally come clear of the fog of brainwashing and reject the divine explanation of Dear Leader, these Klowns will come to understand that, yes, Klown Kulture is deeply fucked up and that an admission of that is the first step towards changing it.

In the meantime (and don’t hold your breath), I can tell you that it doesn’t really take much to understand Klown Kulture.  Klowns like to imagine that it is so intricate and nuanced that it cannot possibly be understood, merely experienced and appreciated.  For fuck’s sake, get a fucking grip.  This is a kulture born of peasant farmers who were, until very, very, very recently literally wallowing in the mud and living like medieval serfs.  Beautiful, complex, interesting, insightful, progressive cultures have a way of becoming meaningful and respected around the world organically, because (unlike the way Klowns assume anyone not in love with Klown must be) intelligent people can figure shit out like “hey, I like the way they do that, it works well and makes life better”.  These meaningful, influential cultures, as one commenter on another post put it, “don’t need to be sold”.  Klowns would know this if they weren’t so weak-minded and propaganda-sensitive, but as I said at the beginning, the human mind in a fragile thing.

Klown, shut your mouth, turn off the k-pop video, stop fucking bowing, sober the fuck up and just use those 5 senses of yours.  Use that fragile brain.  See the threadbare tapestry of Klown Kulture stretching the last strings out toward snapping.  This is a kulture now quite literally exemplified by incompetence, corruption, willful ignorance and complete disdain for the general public.  Now go ahead, salute that national treasure and tell me again about how wonderful this country’s culture is…


clown salute


Reflective Formality

Being politically correct… is it important?

I mean, how diplomatic does one need to be?  What criteria should establish for us how sensitive our words and tone need be?

It seems like some easily offended types over at Marmot’s or Dave’s or elsewhere are taken aback by my honest, extremely negative appraisal of all things Klown.  Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck whether “Steelrails” likes my little vent blog or not, and I don’t go around posting links to this space on eslcafe or Facebook or wherever else.  I don’t care if people read this or not.  It doesn’t make me money, I don’t pay to host the site, and it’s much more for me and for those who wish to commiserate and wallow in misery with me.

If you don’t like it, then might I most sincerely recommend that you fuck the fucking fuck off and don’t come back?  I’ve got comments from readers who have gone back through the archives, read the entire fucking blog and then posted up about how offended they are, how they found what I wrote to be in poor taste, how sad and pathetic they think I am.  Motherfucker, then why the fuck did you read anything more than half of a post?  I’m not trying to obfuscate my true feelings here.  You should know after the first few sentences whether this is the kind of thing you want to read or not.  That you would finish reading one post, let alone all of them, let alone commenting on them makes be seriously question your motivation; how disingenuous are you being when you write about how much you dislike “Klownisms”?  You’re like a volunteer, sweaty-palmed bible-thumper Klown nutizen surfing deep into the interwebs for the most deviant sorts of porn so you can report the sites to the authorities.  I’ll let you mull that analogy over…

So let me clear the air on a few things…

First of all, and I mean this sincerely, I do not need you to read this blog.  You have free will and – unless the disease of Klown has completely rotted away your prefrontal cortex – some common sense.  Don’t read what you don’t want to read.  You aren’t the internet morality police.  Nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody, needs you to play that role.  You like it?  Cool.  Enjoy.  Not your cup of tea?  Maybe this or this or this will be.  You’re very fucking welcome.  Now fuck off.

Next, don’t try and make this about race.  PC liberal white-guilt-suffering fuckbags love to toss about the R-word, but even if “Klown” were synonymous with “ethnically Korean” (it isn’t), “Korean” is not a race.  If you have a problem with the way I describe the ghetto-esque, trailer-trash mannerisms, philosophies and behaviors of Klowns, so be it, but trying to make it about race just shows you have no ability or desire to understand anything more complex than the way a person looks.  Quite a few of you Caucasians out there are most definitely Klowns… feel better?  Now fuck off.

As well, there seems to be a lot of anger coming off the “Old Klown and the Sea” post.  It has been called “indecent”.  Huh?  My satirical post about the Klownisms of ajosshi scum such as gross negligence causing death, total incompetence at jobs that require the opposite, hard core alcoholism, the sexualization of minors, the way that kids are abused in a variety of ways, the greed and lack of ethics in Klown Korporations… THIS is what is offensive to you?  Not the ACTUAL gross negligence causing death, total incompetence at jobs that require the opposite, hard core alcoholism, the sexualization of minors, the way that kids are abused in a variety of ways, the greed and lack of ethics in Klown Korporations?  What happened to those kids revulses me.  The Klown Kolostomy bags behind it disgust me.  I thought anyone with half a brain would be able to… oh… right… half a brain required.  Never mind.  Now fuck off.

I even had some self-identified Klown post comments repeatedly about how he wishes my kids will die and how I should get out of “his country”.  Well, I don’t have kids, but if I did I sure as fuck wouldn’t raise them here.  It’s all fine and well for me to torture myself year after year in Klown, but not for any future potential offspring.  More hilarious was that this commenter was logging in from Australia, where ferries don’t get dangerously and maliciously overloaded only to sink, killing hundreds of children.  Must be nice.  “Your country” indeed.  Now fuck off.

But anyway… all this PC nonsense got me thinking about something I like to call “reflective formality”.  This is how I explain to students the difference between levels of formality in Korea versus levels of formality in America.

In America, generally speaking, you get what you give in terms of politeness.  If I speak politely to you, you will answer politely to me.  There is no obligation to be formal, there isn’t even an expectation, but there is an appreciation. 

“Good afternoon!  How are you today?” –> “I’m well, thank you.  And you?” –> “I’m well.  Would you mind if I used your restroom?  Sorry for asking but I can’t seem to find one in the area.” –> “No problem.  It’s just around the corner, second door on the left.” –> “Thanks so much.”

“Hey man, where’s the pisser?” –> “Over there”

Under this system, the whole “Christian” golden rule idea of “Do unto others” (Klowns like to shout about how devout they are… right?) comes out in speech patterns.  Speech patterns that reflect the speakers’ genuine, non-obligated feelings.

Then there’s Klown.

“Good afternoon sir!” –> “(Hawwwrk!  Hawwwwwwrrrrk! P-tooie!)”

Could you please tell me how to get to Sinsa station, sir?”  –> “Shibal.  Shibal.  (P-tooie)”

Well not every interaction is like this.  Just as not every polite interaction in western culture is heartfelt.  I have been treated politely in Korea – by those paid to be polite to me.  More often than not, however, from the youngest kids to the man on the street, they see me as an exception to Klown obligatory formality.  I’m just a waygook gojangii, so I don’t really need to be given the same degree of respect that would normally be required for someone older, or for a teacher or whomever.

And I’m the confusing exception.  I get treated disrespectfully and Klowns aren’t really 100% sure if they can treat me disrespectfully.  Imagine how it is for Koreans within the Klown system who absolutely know they are eligible to be treated disrespectfully!  The environment and public as a whole is also undeserving of respect, hence the phlegm-strewn walkways and piles of festering trash.  Where the opportunity presents itself for Klowns to abuse others, they jump all over it with rabid excitement.  It’s like Klown Katnip.  It is the highlight of their fucking day to be able to pass the fecal matter down the Human Centipede.

This tells me that, deep down, Klowns are nasty, sadistic people.  They have no desire to foster healthy human relationships or to build polite rapport.  They do it only when they have to… then they feel bitter about it.  Take a Klown out of the obligation and what do you see?  The worst kinds of human behavior.  Put a Klown in a car, where tinted glass makes age and gender a non-issue, and watch them deliberately, gleefully endanger each others lives.  Put a non-Korean in a classroom and watch the disrespect begin.  Put a Klown in a Lufthansa airport lounge and enjoy the peasantry.  Actually, take a Klown anywhere in the world and observe why nobody wants them around.

So why the fuck do I need to be politically correct and diplomatic about Klowns?  Such sensitivity will never be revisited to me… or anyone else.  The more diplomatic I am with Klowns, the weaker they see me, the more they want to take advantage of me, from free English practice to pushing on the subway to volunteering me for unpaid work.  I’ve learned during my time here (too slowly at first).  I’ve learned that politeness is weakness… that one is only polite out of obligation and that formality equates with lower social standing.

I get the sense that a lot of expats here, the ones who can’t stand my blog or any other vitriolic criticism of Korea or Klowns, are just desperate for a pat on the head.  How terrible their social standing must have been back home that they are happy to overlook the multiple abuses they must endure every day just so that they can be told they are a good little wagookin who loves the gallbladder of the globe – Korea.  When you speak your sideshow Korean, when you declare the stewed weeds ‘delicious’, when you dress in a hambok and do some bowing, do you think the applause and praise mean that the Klowns like you?  That they respect you?  Please.  Stop deluding yourself.  Klowns don’t respect anyone, not really.  They don’t even respect themselves, let alone their friends and family members, and most certainly not strangers outside their little bubble.  They think of you as a novelty, and they think of every other Klown as competition… someone they need to figure out how to rank in order to reach the all important conclusion of how much abuse can be safely directed at or tolerated from this individual.

So no, I don’t feel the need to be polite, diplomatic or politically correct.  So if you plan to comment here, don’t waste your time commenting on that.  If you want to prove me wrong then that’s great.  Post the fuck away.  Unsurprisingly, however, out of the 100 or so comments that have been received here so far, those that are critical of my venom are just hypocritical, un-self-aware venomous outpourings by people offended by my lack of sensitivity.  Not a single comment has been to say I’m wrong or that Klown Kulture isn’t really like this.  So I must be right.  And yes, if you are living in Korea, then it does suck that I’m right.  I know I’d be a happier person if I were wrong.  But I’m not.  If you can’t accept that, this isn’t the place for you.  Now fuck off.

The Human Centipede

I’m a lucky guy, I’ve been told. Lucky to have the opportunity to be part of such an old culture by living in Korea.

Lucky me.

Because Korea is such a tiny and relatively insignificant country (both physically and in terms of necessity), and because most world travelers (understandably) give this place a pass, what most people outside of Korea (and virtually all Koreans inside of Korea) know about the country’s culture (aside from ‘Gangnam Style’ and that there was a war here) is what is advertised by Koreans about how wonderful Korean culture is. In these (often bland and poorly conceptualized) ads, Korea is a “world class” country, worthy Olympic host and home of a completely unique and ancient culture.

Again. Lucky me.

And how dare I think any differently?  How dare I argue that Korean culture is NOT unique, NOT beautiful?

What Klowns would have you believe about Korean culture is that:

  1. It is unique
  2. It is ancient
  3. It is “world class”
  4. It is something that other people are interested in and is “popular”
  5. It is based upon some collectivist respect and thus “beautiful”

But the reality of Klown Kulture is:

  1. It is almost entirely ripped off from other cultures, predominantly the Chinese and Japanese, but basically any of their historical conquerors.  There is very little that is unique about Korea, from its architecture to its food to its music.  Those aspects that are unique are generally uninteresting or disgusting, such as fecal wine, decomposing cabbage and things that aren’t really original but bastardized copies, such as the hambok, pansori and k-pop.
  2. Pretty much everything advertised as “traditional” Korean culture was developed (copied) within the last couple of hundred years, which makes “Korean culture” no older than American culture.  That which is older is either blatantly copied or selectively ignored (such as the Korean totem pole, a connection to the shared  heritage with North American aboriginals).
  3. “World class” would suggest that people around the world both respect and seek to emulate a culture.  Aside from some functionally-retarded Koreaboo K-poppers and those paid to smile and say Korea is great, there is nothing “world class” about Korea’s “unique” culture.  About the closest was a nod from Obama about the education system producing results, but bear in mind that is the enormous failure that is the US education system making a nod to the unbelievably inefficient Klown education system.
  4. Paying for a full page ad in the NYT times or on a billboard in Times Square does not make you “popular”, it makes you desperate and pathetic.  I’m sure there are some third-world shitholes where Klown seems a step up since they have flashing lights and shiny cars, but “popular”?  Klown is about as interesting as Psy.  That is to say it’s a sideshow that gets 5 minutes of your attention because it’s so fucking loud and insistent, but really it isn’t anything to write home about.
  5. There is absolutely nothing “respectful” about Klown kulture.

Klown Kulture is the Human Centipede, and that’s pretty much all one needs to know to understand it.

So what is the Human Centipede social model?

Well, if you have seen the movie, you know that a mad scientist sews a group of captive strangers together, asshole to mouth, so that what one ingests is defecated into the mouth of the next segment and so on and so forth.  The basic concept is the driving force behind modern Korean society.  Allow me to explain:

You see, Korea set out almost 70 years ago with pockets full of American and Japanese money, and delusions of grandeur fueled by occupation-era nationalism and churchy manifest destiny beliefs.  From one of the poorest nations on Earth, South Korea rose (heavily assisted) through the ranks to join the economic elite.  Sure, sure, the entire economic model was based on patent infringement, sweatshop labor and price fixing, but ethical or not, they got where they wanted to get.

That kind of insane, exponential progress does not come naturally/organically, and it doesn’t come without cost and sacrifice.  Absent some miracle of circumstance that leaves but one economic power in the region (there wasn’t anything close to that), the only way from the bottom of the list to the top, ahead of very capable competitors, is by cheating.  Okay, let’s call it “very loose ethics”, both with the domestic population (brainwashed then subjugated at near slave labor wages) and internationally with trade partners (i.e. Samsung’s history).  And even then, such growth requires a singular focus, on a national and cultural scale, over generations… such that all else is obfuscated… perhaps it is paid lip service but is no longer practiced.

Social development in Korea over the last few generations has been abyssmal.  There are near-starving third-world countries with better levels of community respect than Korea.  I’d wager you’d be better off expecting community-mindedness in Mogadishu than in Seoul.  Klowns like to say, “Oh, it’s bali bali (hurry hurry) culture”, but that’s a cartoonish and cutesy way of saying, “Our lives are nothing but externally-demanded, self-imposed, self-perpetuated stress.  We exist in a constant state of stress.  Psychologists should use us and not rats for experiments in stress.  This is why our suicide rate is the highest in the developed world and why our subjective well-being scores are the lowest in the world.  If we stop to think about our lives objectively, we want to leap from the nearest tall structure.  We are in hell.”

Stress has to go somewhere.  It is full of kinetic energy.  While certainly some of it goes into a soju bottle and is then vomited out full force onto a school playground, or delivered by hand into the face of one’s spouse, there is just too much stress and unhappiness being cultivated to just drink or wife-beat away.  That is why modern Korean culture, which has nothing to do with King Sejong or hamboks or kimchi, and which is possibly the world’s most selfish and psychologically destructive, is all about the Human Centipede.

Chairman and CEO Kim has a lot of money, but he is getting stress from those pesky international watchdogs who are questioning his falsified safety reports and international bribes.  He is treated like a demi-god in Klown but like the ghetto-lottery-winning peasant pig fucker he his in any other country.  He is drunk at noon.  He needs to vent.  Thank Korean Jesus that he is of a higher “kaste” than other Klowns!  Time to release.

CEO Kim visits VP Park.  Kim scream-talks at Park for 15 straight minutes about how every ill in the known universe is Park’s fault and how could Kim have let him marry his daughter and how Park is a useless waste of space who should have been aborted as a fetus.  Park hangs his head and nods through the verbal assault.

Park, not able to question the higher kaste of CEO Kim, needs to vent his stress.  The brothels don’t open until 3pm, and that highschool dropout with the lazy eye and the sub-70-IQ-lopsided-grin won’t start until 4.  He zips down to see Team Leader Lee.  Park shout-talks at Lee in front of his workers about how pathetic he is.  Park’s goal is to break Lee, but Lee just bows his head like a scolded mongrel and apologizes.  Now hoarse, Park returns to his office to one-shot single-malt and sexually harass his secretary.

Team Leader Lee composes himself and proceeds to launch into a verbal tirade about how his team members are incompetent, useless cum-wads who couldn’t finish a worthwhile project if the great and legendary Admiral Lee Soon Shin himself commanded it.  Worker Choi pauses his handphone game and lowers his head in deference.

Worker Choi works extra unpaid hours because Team Leader Lee is staying late.  Neither is doing any work, instead surfing the internet and sending kakao messages to whores, but they must stay late to “save face”.  Worker Choi’s wife has called to scream at him several times.  The most recent call, however, was more civil as Choi’s wife had taken to beating their teenage son for getting 97% and not more on a recent middle school exam.  She felt better, but Choi did not.

Finally, Team Leader Lee leaves, and so Worker Choi can leave as well.  Eager to pay it forward, Worker Choi, proceeds to cut off seventeen drivers before parking in the middle of a crosswalk in front of the local Anma parlor.

Taxi Driver Kim (no relation) was on his 13th consecutive hour of driving.  On his way to a taxi soju-drinking hotspot for mid-evening breaks, he is cut off by Worker Choi.  Despite having nearly caused 64 accidents that very day, Taxi Driver Kim is incensed and decides to drive his next fare, a drunk woman named Kim (again, no relation) in entirely the wrong direction.  He grits his teeth as he drives.

30 minutes after getting into Kim’s taxi, Kim realizes she is in the wrong place.  She screams at driver Kim.  Kim and Kim get into a shouting match.  Kim vomits all over Kim’s back seat.  Kim and Kim move outside the taxi to scream some more.  They are located 10 meters from Mr. Lee (no relation)’s window.  Mr. Lee’s baby wakes up, screaming.  The screams resonate through Mr. Lee’s head as he is hungover from getting falling down drunk at 6pm.  He is sleeping passed out on the floor.  His wife is sleeping with a black eye in the other room with the baby.  She decides to let the child scream just to annoy her husband.

Next door, student Kim (no relation) is up very late studying for a test.  He will get severely beaten with a stick by his mother if he does not score 100%.  He is seriously contemplating suicide.  The screaming baby from next door is pushing him over the edge but he dare not say anything because Mr. Lee and his wife are older than he is.

The next day, after discovering Student Kim’s body flattened to the pavement after a 19-story jump, Student Kim’s mother, Mrs. Lee (no relation) storms into the school to scream and flail at any teacher or administrator she might find for pushing her son to kill himself.  She slaps Teacher Kim (no relation) across the face then flops around like a fish at the bottom of a boat, screaming hysterically as she has been taught to do by countless television “dramas”.

Teacher Kim berates the English teacher, Chris, calling him a slob and telling him the parents and students don’t like him.  Teacher Kim says that Chris’s contract won’t be renewed….

And thus you get the Human Centipede.  Developed of a culture where it is virtually ensured that no healthy expression of dissatisfaction is allowed… where Konfucian piety and perceived martyrdom are far more important than honest communication…. where drama supersedes logic… where the most important part of making a point is how loud you are and and how many people are watching, as opposed to how much sense you make.

One person shitting on another.  The shat upon “understanding the situation” of the shitter, then proceeding to dump a hot load of now twice-digested shit on the next person down the totem pole.

World-leading suicide rates

Lowest birth rates

Highest divorce rates

Lowest (or second lowest) happiness rates

This is modern Korea.  Klown Kulture.

No wonder all ethics and civility has been abandoned.  In civilized society, adherence to ethics and civility carries with it the reward of increased social status, or at the very least intrinsic reward.  Here, failure to treat others with the same disdain and disrespect with which you have been treated is a sign of weakness.  So much so that a social “win” is a loss incurred by someone else at your hand, not matter how petty or insignificant.

Unpaid debts to family members, businesses opened for the sole purpose of collecting user fees and then never opening, “microaggressions” in traffic of any sort, neglect for even the most basic safety concerns… these are the kinds of behaviors you find in the poorest, least-educated, most chemically-dependent shithole neighborhoods in the world… oh yeah… and everywhere in Klown.

It’s a way of life, and how DARE you, you gojang-ii fuck, question it!  Just shut your mouth, bow your head and visit hell on the next person to cross your path like a normal Klown!

When the economy here collapses, as it will in about 4 years, there will be absolutely nothing left to motivate Klowns.  The streets will be littered with bodies.  China and the US may both be eager to wash their hands of the drooling, flailing, sputtering mess that is the Koreas… a mess they have thus far only barely tolerated for monetary and geopolitical maneuvering reasons.

Why would they want to keep such utterly failed states around as “allies” and “friends”… especially in light of how these Klowns treat one another.

This is the land that has forgotten community, that has completely forgotten dignity, that has forgotten hypocrisy.  It is epidemic.  It has infected all levels of Klown society.  There is no globalization here.  There is only shit or swallow.

Crawling through the phlegm and filth on all fours, both waiting for and dreading the next “meal”.