The Old Klown and the Sea

Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 3 bottles and 2 shots

Another Incheon to Jeju run, but this time with a twist. It seems that the ship will be full of highschoolers. Nice. Nubile young girls, hopefully in school skirts, who haven’t yet been through the room salon wringer.

Man, I love this job. I’m the fucking captain! If I want to march some of that sweet schoolgirl tail up the steep stairs from deck 2 to deck 3 (the ones made of metal mesh grating), then they’ll ask, “How fast?”

As usual I got a bunch of papers about some old shit. Ballast weight blah blah. Cargo containers blah blah. Don’t deviate from blah blah. Honestly, who fucking cares? Like I have the energy to read that shit. My head hurts so much from last night. I must have had a solid 3 liters of soju. That hooker from the back alleys at the dock, the one covered in bruises and missing an eye, she must have taken whatever was in my wallet. No worries, I just got paid and loaded up from the ATM; I’ll be hitting those Jeju whores pretty hard once I pop me a Korean-made Kialis-uh. In meantime, I can hardly focus on this tiny print they want me to go through. I’m pretty sure I’m older than the guy who gave them to me… he should be asking me how to run my boat, not telling me. Little punks with their university degrees and charts and GPS… At least the owner of this rust bucket is straight awesomeness. Got his own cult going once I heard. Fantastic. Us ajosshi are the chosen ones, and it’s about fucking time the rest of the world started to know that. But those middle-management, mascara-wearing twats… what the fuck? Why can’t they wear poorly-made hiking clothes like a normal man?

I’ve had a hard life. Don’t these suits understand that? My dad hit me when I was bad. Military service had no satin sheets. In highschool I had to study for fuck’s sake! Now I’m balding, impotent without pharmaceutical aids and I can’t make it a week without getting blackout drunk. Where’s my medal?

Whatever. At least I’m in charge of my boat. I like to keep it (giggle) ship shape! The food must be boiled for no less than 5 days. I won’t have any texture to any meat or vegetables on my ship. Passengers can choose between one of 3 world-famous flavors: chemically spicy, rotten bean curd or desiccatingly salty.

Seriously this hangover is killing me. I’m going to open a bottle of Dr. Soju’s magic elixir and check the CCTV feeds for upskirt pics of the teenies while they board.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 4 bottles, 1 shot

A couple bottles of Chamisul and a bowl of… something I couldn’t identify, but I’m sure it was traditional Korean fare and therefore good…. and that headache is mostly gone. I’ll have to go for a top-up in a bit. We’re about to leave port.

I walked about a bit. Grabbed one girl’s thighs and made it look like I was chastising her about her short skirt length. Oh man, those milky thighs. She must have been all of 15. She was all dolled up like those k-pop former whores on TV. Maybe I should have ordered her up to the bridge for ‘inspection’. With my luck she would have turned it into some big thing. Just what I need right now, more legal trouble. Fucking DUIs… that and the brawl in the playground with that asshole who forgot I went into the military service 6 whole months before he did 30 years ago…. And the indecent exposure thing, which wasn’t really my fault as I passed out in the alley while I was taking a piss and before I could zip up. I’m sure it’ll be okay. I pay a couple fines, I do some bowing, I explain my unique situation… but in the meantime, I’ll save the kiddie-fiddling for that upcoming trip to Thailand.

At least the third mate is passable. Seems she was a disowned runaway. Couldn’t quite make it on the whore circuit… wanted to keep some kind of honor or some bullshit. I told her I’d let her drive if she showed me her tits and ass. I love it when they cry and whimper…

Toot toot bitches, time to set sail.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 4 bottles, 8 shots

Shit. I’m behind schedule. Should have been faster in the bathroom. I don’t know why I have such digestive problems. It must be something about the radiation from Fukishima. Fucking Jap bastards. At least I saved time by not flushing or washing my hands.

Seriously though, I can’t be late. Happy hour pricing at the brothels ends early this season, and I’m not paying full price.

The idiot second mate they sent me just came up and asked if he should run the safety drills. Unbelievable! I scream-talked at him for 15 minutes about bothering me with his pansy bullshit. He hung his head like a scolded dog. I feel like a big swinging dick now. I love this job.

I’m gonna tell that whore third mate to take a shortcut to shave off a bit of time and make it to Snatch City. In the meantime, I think I’ll grab a drink and rub one out.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 6 bottles, 3 shots

I gotta stop drinking on the bridge. I got a bit sick and vomited all over the instruments. I told the second mate to clean it up. I tossed him a pack of wet tissues to do it with.

I told that whore to take a hard turn and cut off a whale who was trying to merge into my lane. Fuck you whale, I win! Something was bumping and sliding after that, but I checked the fridge and all the booze was fine so no problem.

I’m going to head down for a drink.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 9 bottles, 4 shots

Something is wrong. When I place my shot glass on the table, it just slides off.

The second mate is telling me that the boat is listing, whatever the fuck that means. I took care of it though, because I’m the motherfucking captain! I got the kids all safely off the decks of the ship and in their quarters below. Little shits gotta listen to me, I’m older!! Now to wait for the boat to self correct.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 11 bottles, 3 shots

I think I’m going to get off the boat. I’m a bit fuzzy from the drinking, but I think that’s what I need to do.

The idiot second mate is saying something about life rafts and evac-u-something, but fuck him. He must be 10 years my junior. I told him to get fetch me my clean shirt. Joke’s on him. I don’t own a clean shirt. That should keep the fucker busy.

I can see my ride is here. You ever get that feeling like you’re forgetting something when you leave a place? Hmm. Can’t think of anything too important. Got my wallet, got my handphone, got my hip flask.   I think I’m good.

Damn boat. Must be the Japanese again.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 12 bottles, 10 shots

Oh shit that boat is going to sink. I need to get my story straight or they’re not going to let me be captain for a few weeks. Maybe it was that damn whale?

The guy on the boat is telling me that the coast guard is turning away help from the American navy. Good. Those fucking big-noses with their arrogant “Oh let’s keep you from dying and collapsing into anarchy” bullshit. Don’t need ‘em. It looks like there’s a bunch of fisherman out here, even a helicopter or two.

It still feels like I forgot something on the boat…


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 16 bottles, 5 shots

Got back to land. Had to sort my priorities.

I got some slender Esse smokes, so priority one was taken care of

I couldn’t decide if I should go for a drink and some boiled pig intestines first or dry out my cash before seeing what kind of Anma parlor this town has. I opted for the former and found a classy place with wood-colored floor stickers, no chairs and a dusty fan.

Saw the boat on the TV there. Realized what I had forgotten. The news is carrying on and on about it – the kids. Oh well. Meh. I’m safe.


Captain’s Log – Soju Date: 25 bottles, 1 shot

Fucking media found me, and not the good kind that make me look like a lovable idiot for some “comedy” show about awesome ship’s captains.

No worries though, I bowed my head a bit and said some “So sorrys”. That should take care of that. Some were giving me shit about drying out my cash. Come on, have you ever tried to pay a semi-retarded ajumma to suck you off with a soggy man won? Besides, looks like I can pin this on the 3rd mate whore. She won’t say anything since I’m a fucking ajosshi bawse, plus I have pictures of her stripping for me in my quarters.

Everyone is getting all red in the face about this. Why can’t they understand my situation? I guess I just need to let them scream and stamp like the People of the Han do when this kind of thing happens. Everyone will be outraged for a week or so, then Psy will release a new single or some American soldier will blow his nose the wrong way and I’ll be out of the limelight.   Those parents should thank me anyway – university is expensive.




26 thoughts on “The Old Klown and the Sea

  1. Pingback: What You Ought to Think and Feel about the Sewol Tragedy | Via Korea

    • Actually, I’m sure the Korean authorities – cybercrime, if not Korean intelligence, even – would be very interested in taking a look at this blog~ That’s if, they haven’t already. I would if I were them, take a look, that is, and all it would then take is a phone call, or two, to find out who this guy really is.

      Of that, I’m sure..

      They might want to know who this guy really is simply because of the fact that he is – probably – in a classroom somewhere ‘teaching’ Korean children. (Rather than, say, them just taking a dislike to what’s written; which, in itself, is offensive enough, even if one isn’t Korean. But, I’m sure they’re more professional than that.)

      I’m reminded of the tone of that angry Aussie – or is he a Kiwi? (eek! God forbid!) – who cruises around looking for, and filming, examples of bad driving, and then posts it up on YouTube!! Check him out, he even uses profanity in front of his kids; who are in the car with him. Nicely simmering in Daddy’s anger~ Oof! And it’s not nice, Daddy’s anger, I can assure you of that.

      Guys, it’s the same in any country! If you run with the bottom dogs, you’re only gonna get three outcomes: Paws, Claws and Assholes..

      Live a little! Use the higher functions, and drop the hate. The stuff that’s being posted here is just plain nasty to the extreme, no matter what kind of ‘Korean experiences’ you guys have had!

      Salaam, brothers~~

      • Okay….

        So let me get this straight. You think that the Korean legal authorities, specifically Korean “Intelligence” and cybercrimes should make my blog a priority. I mean, because obviously and first of all, fuck freedom of speech, am I right? But seriously, rather than doing things like bringing safety standards up to early-20th century levels, vetting transportation systems and parts providers for things like subways and nuclear power plants, rather than ensuring that bare minimum building codes are adhered to to prevent roof collapses, rather than stem the flow of bribes that guarantee lack standards and near-zero prosecution for offenders, rather than trying to stop the rampant child sex trafficking, rather than trying to reduce global-high suicide rates, rather than getting even one city street free of garbage and food remains, rather than trying to reduce TB rates to levels lower than impoverished third-world holes, rather than dealing effectively with the Norks to ensure the safety of their civilians… the Korean authorities should divert manpower, thought and resources to MY BLOG, because there is nothing, and I MEAN NOTHING more important than making sure that Western pieces of shit (to whom they owe the very fact that they do not live in Stalinist prison camps or under Japanese rule today) never, EVER reveal that Korea is not a first-world tourist magnet. My meaningless commentary on the social failures of a country dripping with social failure (the fixing of which is far less a priority than stopping AIDS-riddled foreigners from talking about it is) is clearly, obviously something that needs looking into. I mean, fuck it, let’s just grind the entire government to a halt, petition wordpress through the courts to reveal my gmail address to trace back to either the neighbor’s unsecured wifi I piggyback on or the local coffee shop, pull CCTV feeds and put up posters to find ME… and charge me with… “being an asshole”?

        You sir, are a natural born Klown. That is exactly the kind of head-in-sphincter logiK that I talk about here. You should be the head of some Klown government office, or a Klown newspaper or principal of a public school. Your complete willingness to ignore actual problems to focus angrily on annoyances and malcontents is Klown-spiring. Never mind that there are no rights being violated here, or laws broken, but just the fact that I would dare criticize Kim Jong Eun… oh shit, sorry, thought I was in North Korea for a moment… I mean the Klown way of life completely justifies violating my rights and breaking laws. Bravo sir, bravo. You are a Klown amongst Klowns. A leader of the pig-folk.

        Of that I’m sure…

        As for teaching kids… Even if I were at my most critical in front of my students I promise you they would still be far better of than with most of the ajosshi scum that work in my school. These Klowns make shit up regularly because they have no knowledge. They pollute their students in a million different ways, and they lack any ability to be self-critical. At least they get from me what a student should always get from a teacher – the truth. Besides, if my public school gig was cancelled (which they might do as a kontract in this country is more valuable as toilet paper than as a legal document), there would be plenty of other places more than willing to hire me… I mean sure I have experience and I’m pretty good at what I do, but I have a white face, and that is 99% of what any prospective Klown employer sees: white, not too old, not fat, no weird piercings = hired.. because that is the level of respect that Klown schools give to their students. They couldn’t give less of a fuck about the quality of education the kids are receiving just so long as they are attending and paying tuition or afterschool fees. But no, obviously you;re right, I’M the bad guy. Klown logiK bests me again.

        The YouTube driving videos… well, that isn’t me in the vids, sorry to disappoint, but I have watched them. I can’t say I’m a big fan of the profanity in front of the kids… but I’m wondering why THAT was your main takeaway from those videos? Klowns are repeatedly trying to kill him and his children in the videos and what you focus on are the swear words he uses when his life is put at risk by someone the Klown authorities couldn’t possibly be bothered to train or clear as a safe driver (too busy tracking down expat bloggers no doubt)?

        As for hate, hate is a justifiable and valid human emotion, particularly when someone or something is bad and deserves that hate. Hate is a derivative of fear. The things that I hate are the things I fear will either kill me (horrible drivers, sinking ferries, collapsing roofs, unsafe medicines, communicable diseases etc) or ruin me in other ways (going deaf, violation of emplyment contracts, rancid filth on every sidewalk and every street every single place I go etc).

        But obviously you raging against hateful people is more than a little bit hypocritical, wouldn’t you say?

        I mean, you go out to expat blogs that are angry and venting at the multiple violations of human decency that surround them, then you get angry and vent at them. So telling my readers to “use the higher functions and drop the hate” is disingenuous and lacking (in true Klown fashion) any and all self-awareness.

        You are either:
        (a) a Korean gyopo who felt culturally alienated and misplaced while in the west and who has returned to Korea with eyes on a fresh, non-social-outcast future. That Klowns are impressed by the sideshow-like novelty of your time abroad for 5 minutes and that girls might actually not look away in disgust the minute you approach has encouraged you to become Kaptain Han, Defender of True Korea. You either teach English (welcome to the Klub) or work at some relative’s kompany getting paid to play smartphone games all day (must be nice). You can’t fucking stand that anyone, especially some fucking gojang-ii, would ruin this deluded image you’ve painted over the reality before you because this place is your last hope….
        (b) a non-Korean Koreaboo kunt. While Klown is a shithole with more social holes to patch than a pasta strainer, you don’t feel like the complete and utter loser you were back home. To show appreciation for this kuntry and its people that are so willing to overlook your glaring shortcomings so long as you bow and say something nice about Korea and eat their peasant food with a grin, you must attack anyone who might rip off the rose-colored glasses. You’ve likely wasted hundreds of hours learning Korean to a level where you are basically a party favor, pulled out to entertain but never taken seriously. You probably make about the same salary I do, but you think you’re special and successful. Some curious K-girl let you feel her up one time and now you’ve got it in your head that you’re the shit.

        Fuck you.

        If you really love this country, GO FUCKING FIX IT. That you are spending your time scrounging the internet, listing off Korean-unfriendly blogs on Marmot’s Hole or rokdrop instead of identifying and suggesting solutions for problems plaguing Korea proves that you do not have any love for this country, you just have a love of being a fucking asshole. And I can understand being an asshole. The difference between you and me is that I’m not trying to claim to be anything else. I’m an asshole, and that’s that. You, on the other hand, are a self-deluding, hypocritical asshole who hasn’t yet come to terms with your assholery. Come out of the closet asshole. Embrace your true self. Stop hiding behind this Defender of the Han bullshit and come to terms with the fact that you are hateful fuck and that that hate is fueled by fear – fear that someone is going to burst the little bubble you have protecting yourself from the reality of Klown.

      • Oh, they’ll make the time for you. You can be sure of that~ Cybercrime is a well funded department in Korea, and these ajosshis really DO know what they’re doing; and true, they are very, very busy. But, because they have kids – and grandkids – in Korean schools, too, well…as I say, time and all that.

        Of that I’m sure. But thanks for furnishing a very nice profile!

      • The ajosshi in charge of all things cyber in the country “know what they’re doing”?

        Do you have any idea how fucking retarded that sounds? (Oh course you don’t – rhetorical question)

        I’m just wonderin’ though, which aspect of their performance gives you the most confidence?

        The rampant identity theft, sometimes over the half the country at one time, of personal information that goes unsolved, unpunished and unjust?

        The stubborn country-wide reliance on a single, 15-year-out-date software platform that may be the least secure ever known? The “solution” of just installing dozens of programs the rest of the world knows as poorly-coded malware but which Klowns call “security”?

        The fact that a half-starved, deeply-impoverished North Korea, which has virtually no access to modern technology and certainly no access to brilliant minds around the globe who might otherwise teach them, can hack and disable critical South Korean computer systems basically at will?

        I was kind of hoping that you might be an otherwise passably-intelligent person who was simply a willing brainwash victim of the moronic Klown propaganda machine, but I see know that you are just plain stupid. Just plain ol’ take-the-lame-horse-out-back-and-put-him-down dumb.

        If Klown ajosshis in charge gave two shits about children in this country, they would make progressive changes. They don’t care. They only care about themselves and their basic and immediate baser needs. That was the point of my original reply. A point which you missed. Because you are a moron.

      • SR is that you? I think it must be…. Has that same “trying very hard to sound measured and reasonable and worldly” feel to the writing. Plus the same oh-so knowing tone when referring to korens authorities.

  2. My god .. You are making fun of this horrible disaster . so many kids death…. What kind of man are you ? I am what you call klown but you ? you are rabid dog.

    • You just absolutely do not get it, do you Klown?

      There is nothing funny about 300 kids dying. That’s the fucking point.

      Perhaps if Klowns and their Koreaboo nuthugging groupies were even one TENTH as critical of the Klown Kulture that killed those kids as I am, lives of kids in the future would be saved.

      I’m not holding my breath though, Klown, as you and your brethren are far more concerned with making sure us gojang-ii don’t disparage your Kuntry than you are with preventing fully preventable deaths.

      I don’t expect you to understand the subtleties of black humor or biting social commentary since it’s not displayed to you on an animated Powerpoint or being shouted at you from a TV screen. I don’t know why I expect anything from Klowns at all. Let me dumb it down for you to Klown level:

      Me no laughy laughy kid die die
      Me no likey Klowny kill kiddies
      Me no want more kiddie die die
      Die die baddie bad
      Klowny Kulture baddie bad
      Please no die die more

    • AND fucknut, just to be clear, “Klown” is not a statement of ethnicity, it is a statement of socialization. Not all Koreans are Klowns, just as not all white Americans are trailer trash. You have just described yourself as a Klown, which means you are either stupid and semi-illiterate, or you’re proud of your trailer-trash social caste.

  3. You think what you wrote is humor ? hey rabid dog ,post your name and your photo. I mean what you are doing is just “black humor ” and helping “klown” so why hide ? you are proud of what you are doing .right ?

    • Well klown, as you are posting (repeatedly, I’ve deleted most) from Brisbane, Australia (thanks WP Analytics) and the comfort of the civilized world, while I am working to better the lives of Korean children and paying taxes to the Korean government, I’d say I’m doing a fuck of a lot more for this country than you are. Enjoy the beaches free from pile after pile of litter and the ferries that don’t sink and the cars that don’t try to kill you every five minutes!

  4. A shame this imaginative and satirical post on an unfortunate and socially complex tragedy has been hijacked by dullards who seem to have missed the point completely, or perhaps have chosen to ignore it through their own self denial, failing to acknowledge the realities of the social problems it highlights.
    You no doubt have a ‘Pray for Korea’ picture as your Kakao talk avatar and convince yourself you are a truly moral, compassionate, and just person by attacking any material that does not fit your blinkered and narrow view of the world.
    I would hope there is more respect for any person out there who takes the time and effort to make any kind of critique that highlights and challenges the social issues and failings happening around them (be it any country or government) using their freedoms of speech and choice to present it in whatever style or format they choose, than a witless moron, who, rather than seeing past how the critique is delivered and focusing on the real issue at hand, offering up any kind of intelligent response or argument with regards to the original subject matter, chooses to simply jump in with a ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude and mindlessly attempt to tell us all on how the poster is offensive and wrong.
    Perhaps if such a critique were presented in a different way, maybe through a slapstick variety show performance complete with funny wigs, comedy ‘boing boing!’ noises, and laughter track, with Yu Jae-suk playing the role of a bumbling ships’ captain, that would be more acceptable for you with regards to the issue. Or, If you don’t like your social critiques or commentaries delivered through any kind of comedy format (it is after all, not to everyone’s taste), then perhaps you can enjoy reading more traditional ‘matter-of-fact’ posts on such subjects made by the seemingly endless amount of pseudo intellectuals out there offering their wise and enlightened opinions and thoughts on whatever is the ‘topic du jour’.
    Finally, I would like to suggest if you don’t fancy reading or contributing in a meaningful way to any challenging critiques at all on sensitive issues or topics, how about doing us all a favour by kindly fucking off and not visiting blogs or websites likely to offend you and instead use your energy to engage and contribute through posting replies on blogs that better suit your moral compass.
    Either way, the point is you have chosen to ignore or failed to understand the real issues highlighted here, and have instead chosen the dull and cowardly action of trying to call out the poster for being a bad guy. Congratulations, you’ve used your freedom of speech and choice to make no meaningful contribution whatsoever to the topic at hand other than to try and convince yourself and others of your moral superiority. Take another sip from your wine glass, enjoy the view from up on your high moral ground,and pat yourself on the back, you deserve it.

    • Does his shit taste good, too? yummy! yummy! I bet you like the taste of ’em beer, candy ‘n fatty laced turds.

      A right pair of dirty sanchez(s) if ever there were!
      Don’t forget to walk hand in hand down to the immigration office with your Korean co-teachers, soon~~ That’s if they bother to renew your visas. Tell ’em how much you love it here! While bitching away on your blogs at the same time – LOLLL~ Seymour Hersch quality, unfortunately, they aren’t:

      Just a coupla angry economic refugees from the west, taking the K-coin. Bottom dogs if ever there were, paws, claws, and all.
      It’s smelly down there, right? Not much perfume, either, I’m sure. Korean beatniks?

      (NOT~~ hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!)

      I’m sure your co teachers think you’re really nice guys~ I’m sure you’re grateful having EVERYTHING translated in order for you to *function*

      The irony is beautiful, as you’d surely appreciate if you both took the time to stop eating each other’s feces!

      Yummy! Of THAT, I am sure…

      • “LOLLL~ ”

        “(NOT~~ hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!)”

        well done, sir. Just, well done…

      • The sooner you get over your strange and hateful complex about English teachers in Korea (which you foolishly choose to assume anyone who posts here must be), the sooner others may actually take you seriously and not just another insecure troll with the obvious agenda of attacking English teachers in Korea.
        I’m not sure if the Anti-English Spectrum website is still up and running, but i’m sure your unhealthy obsession could be much better accommodated there.
        Your unhealthy obsession with English teachers seems to be your only reason to post here. Perhaps try taking your own advice and applying it yourself;

        “Live a little! Use the higher functions, and drop the hate. The stuff that’s being posted here is just plain nasty to the extreme, no matter what kind of ‘K̶o̶r̶e̶a̶n̶ English teacher experiences’ you guys have had!

        Salaam, brothers~~”

  5. Pingback: Reflective Formality | klownisms: life in Klown

  6. Thanks for the laughs. It might be a bit too soon to the accident. Yet I get was this post. Well what I think it is.
    Loved the last line.

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  10. well done! gets funnier every time i read it. but it would be even funnier if it wernt so true. oh, irony…

  11. Pingback: Edumakation | klownisms: life in Klown

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