Klown has several national holidays each year, but only two that could be considered “high holidays” if you will – Chew-sock (basically a re-branding of China’s Moon Festival, but Klowns explain it as “Korean Thanksgiving” – it isn’t) and Soul-nal (Chinese New Year/Lunar New Year). (Note: I know how to Romanize these words properly, I just choose not to, fuck you very much)
Now these holidays are not original, not Korean in origin, but the Klowns have put their own, unique, Klowny spin on them. Depending on when the actually holiday is located in the week, you may get 4 or 5 days off, including the weekend. Forget having a couple of weeks to travel to countries with breathable air. Forget spending a week with your loved ones. If you want to celebrate Klown holidays in Klown traditional style, just follow these basic steps:
1) Work up until the last second
You don’t need to actually be doing any work since companies in Klown are among the least efficient in the entire world on a scale of man hours vs productivity, but you need to be physically present. You see, life at a Klown kompany is kind of like a Mexican Standoff from an old Sergio Leone spaghetti western. The team leader sits in his office, glancing at the plebs. The plebs glance back. Each does nothing to further the interests of the company – mostly they are playing smartphone games, surfing the net or messaging girlfriends – but neither wants to be the first to leave. When one leaves work, regardless of how much work one is actually doing, is the Klown measure of how loyal (and thus valuable) an employee is. The more one is willing to sacrifice – sacrifice their time with family, exercise, healthy eating, sleep, basically all the things that allow people to live healthy and full lives – the “better” an employee one is. Now I know what you’re saying… “That makes no sense! That’s in violation of basic common sense!”. Friend, when it comes to Klown, forget “common sense”. Instead, think about “Kommon sense” or perhaps “Logik”. I imagine if you are suicidally depressed, suffering from malnutrition, at work with the flu, separated from your wife, estranged from your children, sleep deprived and well on your way to developing both lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver, then you are employee of the fucking month. If it just so happens that a holiday is upcoming, then Klown workers are given a special opportunity to show their commitment to the Kompany by staying late, rubbing their sandpaper-dry and reddened eyeballs, contemplating the ever-popular nosedive off the Kompany roof.
2) Make sure your wife hates you (For wives: Make sure your husband knows how much you hate him)
In Klown, women are basically property. Only recently have laws started to change with respect to this, kind of like how racial equality in the States started when Lincoln freed the slaves. When a woman gets married, she basically belongs to the husband’s family. Kind of like a piece of land, or a car, or a dog. The rich holiday traditions of Klown include the women of a family cooking a huge meal of over-stewed beef, fish used in other parts of the world as bait and various roadside weeds for the men. The men sit around coughing, spitting, smoking, watching TV, shout-talking at each other, drinking soju and saying “She-bal” (fuck) a lot. The men eat first (or course) and whatever is left goes to the women. This is combined with another fine Klown tradition – abusing the son’s wife. A Korean mother in law is almost kulturally required to treat her daughters-in-law in a manner much like the treatment of African-American slave women several generations ago. The wife is required to work in the kitchen, stewing up the aforementioned weeds and bait fish, while the mother-in-law barks orders at her, reminds her of how inadequate she is and criticizing everything she does. It’s a real Klown love fest because, as we all know, in Klown Kulture, family is the most important thing, right? On top of all this, the wife is still expected to monitor the behavior of her kids (who are we kidding? Klown kids have no boundaries taught them) as the husband is busy doing the whole smoking/spitting/hawking phlegm/swearing thing. The wife will wait until the whole family is in the car before launching into a 3 hour diatribe on how much she hates the husband’s family and the holidays in general. She might express her desire to jump off a bridge. She will silently plan her revenge in the form of domestic abuse or infidelity. Yay! Klown holidays are fun for the whole family!
3) Demonstrate filial piety in traffic
Klown is a tiny (some might say insignificant) kuntry. From its northernmost town to its southernmost is maybe 300-400 km as the crow flies. Highway speed limits are typically 100km/hr so, theoretically, one should be able to get from, say, Seoul to Busan in about 3 hours. On Klown holidays, highways become giant parking lots. The scene is unreal. First, Klowns all decide to leave at the same time and on the same day to visit their parents and grandparents. Half the country lives in the Metropolitan Seoul area, but this is a relatively new development. The concentration around Seoul didn’t really happen until the 80s in the way it is known today, which means a couple generations back, people lived all over the country, which is where many elderly relatives still live today, in shitty shanty houses on semi-arable land growing insect-plagued half crops of gochu peppers and kimchi cabbage. So, of course, all the Klowns from Seoul drive to all the other parts of the country for each Chinese rip-off holiday to congregate with the extended Klown family.
So here we have millions of cars on the road at the same time. First they log jam the merge lanes as drivers from the back of the line on the right lane pull out into merge lanes to get ahead a few cars. Of course, with the other cars merging this creates a clusterfuck of traffic at the end of the merge lane. Klown drivers force their way dangerously from lane to lane, right to left, further backing up the whole hot mess. At first one Klown flips on his hazards and zips down the emergency lane on the shoulder. You see, in Klown, putting on your hazards – at least in the driver’s mind – is a valid excuse for any and all kinds of assholerly in traffic. To others, flashing hazards mean, “I’m about to do something incredibly selfish, stupid and dangerous. Please understand my unique situation and that I consider my own immediate needs to be far more important than yours or anyone else’s.” So one Klown, then another, then another fill up the shoulder lane.
Of course, since Klowns are utterly incompetent drivers, and since driver’s licenses are apparently issued as prizes in boxes of cereal, and even though they are literally traveling at 3km an hour, these fucktards will still manage to smash into each other. Normal Klown protocol in the event of a fender bender is to stop in the middle of all traffic and wait for the insurance kompany to come, photograph the non-damage and send the K-idiots on their way to smash into someone else. In the middle of the hell of holiday traffic, there is really no choice but to stop, not that Klowns would ever consider pulling over to the side of the road anyway. Ambulances are sent, as are tow trucks, but of course the emergency vehicle shoulder lane is now full of bumper-to-bumper Klown Kars, so the emergency vehicles force their way between lanes of kars, sirens blaring, inching along (as Klown drivers refuse to move to the side for emergency vehicles) and generally making the whole holiday experience even more wonderful.
Klown highway rest stops are cirkuses on holidays. Thousands of people jostling for a spot to piss and shit in washrooms so busy that no number of staff could hope to keep them clean. There are not enough sinks or hand dryers, which matters little as Klowns rarely wash their hands, and if they do, it’s a splash of water with no soap and no drying. This serves to ensure the spread of as many bacteria as possible as they paw and claw all over every surface with their dripping wet, filthy fucking hands. The hoardes then line up – in true Klown fashion like pigs at a feeding trough – at the food vendors to buy such delicacies as octopus tentacles blasted with a torch, boiled potatoes (with toothpick included!), bean paste bread, mystery meat on a stick and instant noodles. This food is largely responsible for the reprehensibly toxic state of Klown washrooms (see World of Shit).
Once the drive is complete, the driver (if said driver is a man) passes out on the floor at the relative’s house. If the driver is a woman, she goes straight to the kitchen.
4) Go bankrupt on gifts
How much would you pay for an apple? You know, a nice enough, average red apple in a carboard box? How about $10? Now how about a box of ten such apples for $100? Or a fruit basket for $200? Or a couple kilos of meat for $200? Welcome to holiday gift shopping.
To show how much you care for and respect the people in your life, you buy them overpriced foodstuffs. One popular gift is SPAM. Yes, you read that right, lips, hooves and assholes blended into a much and squeezed into a tin can SPAM. What the rest of the world considers throw-away meat or perhaps soup kitchen meat is sold in presentation packs. Packs of ten cans of SPAM sell for something like 50-60 bucks.
I suppose the idea is not so much as to show your piety by overspending as much as by demonstrating what a complete asshole and idiot you are. Prostrating yourself in the form of a 20-dollar cantaloupe.
5) Leave deeply embittered and exhausted
Klown has some of the highest rates of divorce and suicide, as well as the lowest birth rates, in the world. They also self-report some of the lowest levels of satisfaction, happiness and subjective well being in the OECD. At the end of the holiday season, I imagine these stats look even more grim. Korean holidays are a sado-masochistic orgy of suffering. There is nothing celebratory about them. the Klowns have managed to destroy the very, very few days away from their inefficient jobs and education systems so as to ensure no happiness whatsoever.
And that suits them just fine.
Martyring oneself, then passing the anger and resentment on down the social chain is the Klown way. The Human Centipede.