Celebration Time!

Klown has several national holidays each year, but only two that could be considered “high holidays” if you will – Chew-sock (basically a re-branding of China’s Moon Festival, but Klowns explain it as “Korean Thanksgiving” – it isn’t) and Soul-nal (Chinese New Year/Lunar New Year).  (Note:  I know how to Romanize these words properly, I just choose not to, fuck you very much)

Now these holidays are not original, not Korean in origin, but the Klowns have put their own, unique, Klowny spin on them.  Depending on when the actually holiday is located in the week, you may get 4 or 5 days off, including the weekend.  Forget having a couple of weeks to travel to countries with breathable air.  Forget spending a week with your loved ones.  If you want to celebrate Klown holidays in Klown traditional style, just follow these basic steps:

1) Work up until the last second

You don’t need to actually be doing any work since companies in Klown are among the least efficient in the entire world on a scale of man hours vs productivity, but you need to be physically present.  You see, life at a Klown kompany is kind of like a Mexican Standoff from an old Sergio Leone spaghetti western.  The team leader sits in his office, glancing at the plebs.  The plebs glance back.  Each does nothing to further the interests of the company – mostly they are playing smartphone games, surfing the net or messaging girlfriends – but neither wants to be the first to leave.  When one leaves work, regardless of how much work one is actually doing, is the Klown measure of how loyal (and thus valuable) an employee is.  The more one is willing to sacrifice – sacrifice their time with family, exercise, healthy eating, sleep, basically all the things that allow people to live healthy and full lives – the “better” an employee one is.  Now I know what you’re saying… “That makes no sense!  That’s in violation of basic common sense!”.  Friend, when it comes to Klown, forget “common sense”.  Instead, think about “Kommon sense” or perhaps “Logik”.  I imagine if you are suicidally depressed, suffering from malnutrition, at work with the flu, separated from your wife, estranged from your children, sleep deprived and well on your way to developing both lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver, then you are employee of the fucking month.  If it just so happens that a holiday is upcoming, then Klown workers are given a special opportunity to show their commitment to the Kompany by staying late, rubbing their sandpaper-dry and reddened eyeballs, contemplating the ever-popular nosedive off the Kompany roof.

2) Make sure your wife hates you (For wives:  Make sure your husband knows how much you hate him)

In Klown, women are basically property.  Only recently have laws started to change with respect to this, kind of like how racial equality in the States started when Lincoln freed the slaves.  When a woman gets married, she basically belongs to the husband’s family.  Kind of like a piece of land, or a car, or a dog.  The rich holiday traditions of Klown include the women of a family cooking a huge meal of over-stewed beef, fish used in other parts of the world as bait and various roadside weeds for the men.  The men sit around coughing, spitting, smoking, watching TV, shout-talking at each other, drinking soju and saying “She-bal” (fuck) a lot.  The men eat first (or course) and whatever is left goes to the women. This is combined with another fine Klown tradition – abusing the son’s wife.  A Korean mother in law is almost kulturally required to treat her daughters-in-law in a manner much like the treatment of African-American slave women several generations ago.  The wife is required to work in the kitchen, stewing up the aforementioned weeds and bait fish, while the mother-in-law barks orders at her, reminds her of how inadequate she is and criticizing everything she does.  It’s a real Klown love fest because, as we all know, in Klown Kulture, family is the most important thing, right?  On top of all this, the wife is still expected to monitor the behavior of her kids (who are we kidding?  Klown kids have no boundaries taught them) as the husband is busy doing the whole smoking/spitting/hawking phlegm/swearing thing.  The wife will wait until the whole family is in the car before launching into a 3 hour diatribe on how much she hates the husband’s family and the holidays in general.  She might express her desire to jump off a bridge.  She will silently plan her revenge in the form of domestic abuse or infidelity.  Yay!  Klown holidays are fun for the whole family!

3) Demonstrate filial piety in traffic

Klown is a tiny (some might say insignificant) kuntry.  From its northernmost town to its southernmost is maybe 300-400 km as the crow flies.  Highway speed limits are typically 100km/hr so, theoretically, one should be able to get from, say, Seoul to Busan in about 3 hours.  On Klown holidays, highways become giant parking lots.  The scene is unreal.  First, Klowns all decide to leave at the same time and on the same day to visit their parents and grandparents.  Half the country lives in the Metropolitan Seoul area, but this is a relatively new development.  The concentration around Seoul didn’t really happen until the 80s in the way it is known today, which means a couple generations back, people lived all over the country, which is where many elderly relatives still live today, in shitty shanty houses on semi-arable land growing insect-plagued half crops of gochu peppers and kimchi cabbage.  So, of course, all the Klowns from Seoul drive to all the other parts of the country for each Chinese rip-off holiday to congregate with the extended Klown family. 

So here we have millions of cars on the road at the same time.  First they log jam the merge lanes as drivers from the back of the line on the right lane pull out into merge lanes to get ahead a few cars.  Of course, with the other cars merging this creates a clusterfuck of traffic at the end of the merge lane.  Klown drivers force their way dangerously from lane to lane, right to left, further backing up the whole hot mess.  At first one Klown flips on his hazards and zips down the emergency lane on the shoulder.  You see, in Klown, putting on your hazards – at least in the driver’s mind – is a valid excuse for any and all kinds of assholerly in traffic.  To others, flashing hazards mean, “I’m about to do something incredibly selfish, stupid and dangerous.  Please understand my unique situation and that I consider my own immediate needs to be far more important than yours or anyone else’s.”  So one Klown, then another, then another fill up the shoulder lane. 


Of course, since Klowns are utterly incompetent drivers, and since driver’s licenses are apparently issued as prizes in boxes of cereal, and even though they are literally traveling at 3km an hour, these fucktards will still manage to smash into each other.  Normal Klown protocol in the event of a fender bender is to stop in the middle of all traffic and wait for the insurance kompany to come, photograph the non-damage and send the K-idiots on their way to smash into someone else.  In the middle of the hell of holiday traffic, there is really no choice but to stop, not that Klowns would ever consider pulling over to the side of the road anyway.  Ambulances are sent, as are tow trucks, but of course the emergency vehicle shoulder lane is now full of bumper-to-bumper Klown Kars, so the emergency vehicles force their way between lanes of kars, sirens blaring, inching along (as Klown drivers refuse to move to the side for emergency vehicles) and generally making the whole holiday experience even more wonderful.

Klown highway rest stops are cirkuses on holidays.  Thousands of people jostling for a spot to piss and shit in washrooms so busy that no number of staff could hope to keep them clean.  There are not enough sinks or hand dryers, which matters little as Klowns rarely wash their hands, and if they do, it’s a splash of water with no soap and no drying.  This serves to ensure the spread of as many bacteria as possible as they paw and claw all over every surface with their dripping wet, filthy fucking hands.  The hoardes then line up – in true Klown fashion like pigs at a feeding trough – at the food vendors to buy such delicacies as octopus tentacles blasted with a torch, boiled potatoes (with toothpick included!), bean paste bread, mystery meat on a stick and instant noodles.  This food is largely responsible for the reprehensibly toxic state of Klown washrooms (see World of Shit).

Once the drive is complete, the driver (if said driver is a man) passes out on the floor at the relative’s house.  If the driver is a woman, she goes straight to the kitchen. 

4) Go bankrupt on gifts

How much would you pay for an apple?  You know, a nice enough, average red apple in a carboard box? How about $10?  Now how about a box of ten such apples for $100?  Or a fruit basket for $200?  Or a couple kilos of meat for $200?  Welcome to holiday gift shopping.

ImageNote that 1,000 won is approximately $1.00

To show how much you care for and respect the people in your life, you buy them overpriced foodstuffs.  One popular gift is SPAM.  Yes, you read that right, lips, hooves and assholes blended into a much and squeezed into a tin can SPAM.  What the rest of the world considers throw-away meat or perhaps soup kitchen meat is sold in presentation packs.  Packs of ten cans of SPAM sell for something like 50-60 bucks.


I suppose the idea is not so much as to show your piety by overspending as much as by demonstrating what a complete asshole and idiot you are.  Prostrating yourself in the form of a 20-dollar cantaloupe.

5) Leave deeply embittered and exhausted

Klown has some of the highest rates of divorce and suicide, as well as the lowest birth rates, in the world.  They also self-report some of the lowest levels of satisfaction, happiness and subjective well being in the OECD.  At the end of the holiday season, I imagine these stats look even more grim.  Korean holidays are a sado-masochistic orgy of suffering.  There is nothing celebratory about them.  the Klowns have managed to destroy the very, very few days away from their inefficient jobs and education systems so as to ensure no happiness whatsoever.

And that suits them just fine.

Martyring oneself, then passing the anger and resentment on down the social chain is the Klown way.  The Human Centipede.



20 thoughts on “Celebration Time!

  1. Just so you know, not everything in Klown is klown. It’s always a welcome surprise when something goes incredibly well here.

    • Of course not. That’s like saying that every house in Flint, Michigan houses an unemployed person. Well, it actually more like saying that every Japanese person eats raw fish. Sure… there are exceptions…

      No place is perfect, and every place fucks up in some way, shape or form.

      You need to understand that, when I moved here, I really, really wanted to like it. I had high hopes… high, apple pie in the sky hopes. I was an idealist. I was also what I considered progressive, left-of-center and humanitarian in my politics. I was excited to try the spicy food, be wowed by technology and observe a collectivist society where people worked diligently for the betterment of the social whole. This is what was advertised. This was was I had been told by numerous Koreans. This was what I expected.

      Now I’ve been stuck six years amongst some of the least community-minded, most selfish, most thoughtless, most xenophobic, most self-destructive people on earth. I’ve become a harsh realist with a finely-honed cynicism and dislike for the bulk of the human species. Expat apologists and too-soon-from-the-university-protest-block waegs like to talk up Klown’s successes, and there are some, but I have two problems with this:

      1) The lack of the ability to be self-critical.

      Koreans will blindly defend Klown Kulture even when it is obviously disgusting. This is a sort of nationalism that the rest of the OECD left behind with the great wars. For all the smack talk about Confucianism and collectivism, Klown really is the Human Centipede. There is really no desire or will to change things, only the occasional head hung in shame when someone points out the glaringly obvious. That same head hung in shame is undoubtedly hung over a sidewalk vomiting a few hours later… then is hung over. Klowns are quick and more than willing to jump all over other countries and their failures – especially Japan and China, which is why their closest neighbors hate Korea in the way a farmer might hate a diseased pig infecting the rest of the sty – but consider themselves somewhat infallible… and if they do fail, it is someone else’s fault.

      2) The Push for International Relevancy

      From Times Square ads to statues of “comfort women” to “Gangnam Style” to “Hallyu” to pushing Korean “food” on Europeans to lobbying certain US states to have the Sea of Japan renamed or to have Japan apologize (again), to blatantly cheating at international sporting contests (WC 2002, Oly 1988 etc) to making a stink when they lose an event… Klowns desperately, DESPERATELY want to be relevant. It’s like watching the Kim regime in North Korea sabre-rattle for a bit of daddy’s attention. It’s sad. And for all the efforts to get tourists to come, be it for the World Cup (most went to Japan I’m guessing), F1 (oops, fucked that up) or World’s Fairs (Yeosu/Songdo = almost exclusively Korean), people don’t want to come. Others who have gone before them have seen the filth – both the physical and human kind – and have passed the word on. They want to be GLOBALLY relevant, but they want that on their own immediate LOCAL terms. There is no compromise. Like their Nork cousins, they have been thoroughly brainwashed to believe that they are the best culture that has ever, or will ever, exist.

      No. Not all Koreans are Klowns, but the prevalence of Klownism is so high here that exceptions are, well, exceptional.

      Some things do go well here. Most of those things are plagiarized, imported or otherwise ripped off from actually civilized and innovative nations. Like, a vast, vast majority. As in, I can’t really think of any genuinely Korean innovations, cultural inventions, art or other “cultural asset” that weren’t developed outside the country first. I’m sure there ARE some, but I can’t think of one outside of rotted, spiced cabbage….

      • I can’t wait to watch them gloriously screw up the 2018 Olympics! In their search to be ‘International’, I expect lots of signs that I’ve seen all over the place reading “Handicapped and foreigners this way” or “Foreigner resting place”.

      • Oh the oly games are guaranteed to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

        They will mark the definitive end of Korea’s luck. All downhill from there.

      • The games themselves may go over, but the services or total lack of will be on everyone’s mind. I just for the life of me imagine how they will manage to house and feed people in a manner that guests are expecting. As is now, there are essentially zero restaurants of world standing in the whole of Korea. On top of that, the complete lack of service and hygiene in Korean restaurants will surely be a turn-off for many. Wonder what people will think when they see grandma cutting vegetables on the floor!

      • So that’s it? That’s what you came online to say? You baited, with apparent idiocy, me into an exchange to idiotically deliver the “If you don’t like it go home” line? To make matters much worse, you fucking quote Frozen?

        It must be nice to be an arrogant 20-something asshat dispensing advice with all the intelligence of a chimpanzee. No, Klown, for those of us not traveling with a mommy/daddy safety net or nothing to lose with an uproot and move maneuver, it is almost (but not quite) as simple as buying a plane ticket. I would explain things further to you, but why bother?

        As for “bitching about things doesn’t make them better”… I sense someone (spoiler alert: you) needs to think a little harder before writing. You know what doesn’t make things better? Not bitching about them. Excusing them. Pussying out and employing conflict avoidance and sycophantic, politically-correct bullshit rather than addressing the problems and the problem makers.

        But you fancy yourself clever and insightful… and that would be cute, except that it isn’t. Not unless you have a microskirt and some giant tits to go with that blank imbecile stare and misplaced sense of self-importance.

        You like to simplify, right? So how about I do you a favor and simplify your self-obsessed blog about why you are an atheist (as if anyone gave a fuck)? Why be an atheiest? Because even 2-year-olds don’t build their entire lives around fairy tales, and they’re fucking two years old. There. Simple, right? Because your issue must be as simple as mine. Lucky you that I took the time to clear that up for you so that you can stop typing all over the internets. You’re very fucking welcome.

  2. Is there a way to block people under 20 from reading/commenting here?

    LOL @ Frozen quote!!!! ROTFL at one who so proudly proclaims himself an atheist yet is guided by the philosophy of another blatantly fictitious epic fairy tale.

    You are not an atheist, child, you are a tool.

  3. Hello owner of klownisms, I would like to ask if there is filthy and bad everywhere in S Korea? No amazing places to go or see, but all piss, feces and, vomit and bad behavior everywhere except when the kamera is roling in tv shows, movies and music videos? As a fan of the curious, I have been been tempted to go there instead of the more popular choices of Japan and China. I also have a curiosity about korean women. The ones I have met have certainly been some of the more hyper and crazy asian women I have known. If you are stuck in Korea, what about showing tourists the good things (if they exist)?

    • Korea isn’t a Manilla slum…. but it isn’t terribly far off.

      Is everywhere in Korea filthy?

      Basically, yes. Klowns have zero respect for public space. This transcends all socio-economic demographics. The wealthiest Maybach driver to the lowliest pig farmer – both will spit gobs of phlegm on playgrounds, toss cup noodles on the ground, smoke in public toilets etc etc. There are basically no public trash cans on city streets, and this includes the larger dumpsters that the civilized world employs. Trash is placed in loosely-tied bags (this includes food garbage) and stacked on the streets in piles, in full view of everyone (who throw their loose trash on top of the piles). Stray cats rip into the bags at night and the heat cooks it in the day. Beaches, parks, playgrounds and every place that is supposed to be “nice” is covered, end-to-end, in trash. Any place that Klowns frequent is destroyed. If you want to see anything “nice” in Korea, you have to take special effort to travel to places that Klowns do not go, like undeveloped islands, remote hills and, well, that’s pretty much it.

      TV shows and MVs

      Korea is nothing like what you see on the propagandized TV shows. Think about it this way: TV dramas go out of their way to show Seoul as beautiful and metropolitan, and it still looks like shit. That IS the painted up version of Seoul. Shots of homes are all sound stages. this is the same elsewhere, but done in a plastic and totally alien way on Klown TV

      Coming here instead of Japan or China

      Maybe you have some odd, Danish morbid curiousity about what happens when an entire country wins the ghetto lottery and refuses to socially advance out of the slums. In that case, come to Korea. If you want original culture, basic levels of respect and decency, (even very) basic developed world sanitation and the like, go to Japan or China. Even China, with it’s poisonous air, has more respectful, cleaner people in its urban centers… and Japan is like Dubai to Korea’s Kabul.

      Crazy women

      Yes. The women are crazy. Batshit fucking insane, and I’m saying that in the context of women everywhere seeming somewhat off to men everywhere. The amount of plastic surgery alone (and not the good kind, the kind that makes one look like an alien from Close Encounters) is evidence of this. If you want to pay a whore who isn’t drug-addicted (an oddity in the wider world) or deeply impoverished, Korea is great. If you want good conversation, fun, and non-narcissistic socialization, do not come to Korea.

      Showing tourists the good things

      Every good thing in Korea has been seriously tainted and all but destroyed. Korea should have no tourists. If you want lies, bullshit and propaganda, the Korean government and Klown organizations have plenty of poorly-made fluff pieces to enjoy.

      My strong advice? Do not pay to come to Korea. In fact, if someone pays your way, I still would recommend not wasting the time and suffering the jetlag. I’m sure Denmark has landfills and dumps. It’s a shorter trip and you’ll see just as much culture and refinement. If there is someone you really don’t like, recommend Korea to them.

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  6. I just found your blog, and I love it.
    But you got one thing wrong in this post.
    You are depicting Klown women as innocent victims of Klown society, which if far from the truth.
    They are selfish gold diggers who hates to work and choose to stay at home.
    They are not the victims.
    There are more things to mention about those Klown bitches, but let’s leave it there.
    Maybe you haven’t had much luck with them while you were in this country to find out who they really are. They are the most fucking disgusting creatures on the whole planet.

    Other than that, I agree with most of your view on Klown, and honestly I was a bit disappointed by your shallow understanding of Klown marriage structure.

      • Mr. Klownisms, I love your writing. How do you write so well? Please give some advice

      • Adam,

        Swear. A lot.
        Drink hard liquor and plumb the depths of your psyche to find the most vile, hateful, antisocial vocabulary available.

        Then look out a window in Seoul. Any window really. 5 to 10 seconds later you shall have your inspiration.

        Best of luck,

        Mr. K

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