Celebration Time!

Klown has several national holidays each year, but only two that could be considered “high holidays” if you will – Chew-sock (basically a re-branding of China’s Moon Festival, but Klowns explain it as “Korean Thanksgiving” – it isn’t) and Soul-nal (Chinese New Year/Lunar New Year).  (Note:  I know how to Romanize these words properly, I just choose not to, fuck you very much)

Now these holidays are not original, not Korean in origin, but the Klowns have put their own, unique, Klowny spin on them.  Depending on when the actually holiday is located in the week, you may get 4 or 5 days off, including the weekend.  Forget having a couple of weeks to travel to countries with breathable air.  Forget spending a week with your loved ones.  If you want to celebrate Klown holidays in Klown traditional style, just follow these basic steps:

1) Work up until the last second

You don’t need to actually be doing any work since companies in Klown are among the least efficient in the entire world on a scale of man hours vs productivity, but you need to be physically present.  You see, life at a Klown kompany is kind of like a Mexican Standoff from an old Sergio Leone spaghetti western.  The team leader sits in his office, glancing at the plebs.  The plebs glance back.  Each does nothing to further the interests of the company – mostly they are playing smartphone games, surfing the net or messaging girlfriends – but neither wants to be the first to leave.  When one leaves work, regardless of how much work one is actually doing, is the Klown measure of how loyal (and thus valuable) an employee is.  The more one is willing to sacrifice – sacrifice their time with family, exercise, healthy eating, sleep, basically all the things that allow people to live healthy and full lives – the “better” an employee one is.  Now I know what you’re saying… “That makes no sense!  That’s in violation of basic common sense!”.  Friend, when it comes to Klown, forget “common sense”.  Instead, think about “Kommon sense” or perhaps “Logik”.  I imagine if you are suicidally depressed, suffering from malnutrition, at work with the flu, separated from your wife, estranged from your children, sleep deprived and well on your way to developing both lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver, then you are employee of the fucking month.  If it just so happens that a holiday is upcoming, then Klown workers are given a special opportunity to show their commitment to the Kompany by staying late, rubbing their sandpaper-dry and reddened eyeballs, contemplating the ever-popular nosedive off the Kompany roof.

2) Make sure your wife hates you (For wives:  Make sure your husband knows how much you hate him)

In Klown, women are basically property.  Only recently have laws started to change with respect to this, kind of like how racial equality in the States started when Lincoln freed the slaves.  When a woman gets married, she basically belongs to the husband’s family.  Kind of like a piece of land, or a car, or a dog.  The rich holiday traditions of Klown include the women of a family cooking a huge meal of over-stewed beef, fish used in other parts of the world as bait and various roadside weeds for the men.  The men sit around coughing, spitting, smoking, watching TV, shout-talking at each other, drinking soju and saying “She-bal” (fuck) a lot.  The men eat first (or course) and whatever is left goes to the women. This is combined with another fine Klown tradition – abusing the son’s wife.  A Korean mother in law is almost kulturally required to treat her daughters-in-law in a manner much like the treatment of African-American slave women several generations ago.  The wife is required to work in the kitchen, stewing up the aforementioned weeds and bait fish, while the mother-in-law barks orders at her, reminds her of how inadequate she is and criticizing everything she does.  It’s a real Klown love fest because, as we all know, in Klown Kulture, family is the most important thing, right?  On top of all this, the wife is still expected to monitor the behavior of her kids (who are we kidding?  Klown kids have no boundaries taught them) as the husband is busy doing the whole smoking/spitting/hawking phlegm/swearing thing.  The wife will wait until the whole family is in the car before launching into a 3 hour diatribe on how much she hates the husband’s family and the holidays in general.  She might express her desire to jump off a bridge.  She will silently plan her revenge in the form of domestic abuse or infidelity.  Yay!  Klown holidays are fun for the whole family!

3) Demonstrate filial piety in traffic

Klown is a tiny (some might say insignificant) kuntry.  From its northernmost town to its southernmost is maybe 300-400 km as the crow flies.  Highway speed limits are typically 100km/hr so, theoretically, one should be able to get from, say, Seoul to Busan in about 3 hours.  On Klown holidays, highways become giant parking lots.  The scene is unreal.  First, Klowns all decide to leave at the same time and on the same day to visit their parents and grandparents.  Half the country lives in the Metropolitan Seoul area, but this is a relatively new development.  The concentration around Seoul didn’t really happen until the 80s in the way it is known today, which means a couple generations back, people lived all over the country, which is where many elderly relatives still live today, in shitty shanty houses on semi-arable land growing insect-plagued half crops of gochu peppers and kimchi cabbage.  So, of course, all the Klowns from Seoul drive to all the other parts of the country for each Chinese rip-off holiday to congregate with the extended Klown family. 

So here we have millions of cars on the road at the same time.  First they log jam the merge lanes as drivers from the back of the line on the right lane pull out into merge lanes to get ahead a few cars.  Of course, with the other cars merging this creates a clusterfuck of traffic at the end of the merge lane.  Klown drivers force their way dangerously from lane to lane, right to left, further backing up the whole hot mess.  At first one Klown flips on his hazards and zips down the emergency lane on the shoulder.  You see, in Klown, putting on your hazards – at least in the driver’s mind – is a valid excuse for any and all kinds of assholerly in traffic.  To others, flashing hazards mean, “I’m about to do something incredibly selfish, stupid and dangerous.  Please understand my unique situation and that I consider my own immediate needs to be far more important than yours or anyone else’s.”  So one Klown, then another, then another fill up the shoulder lane. 


Of course, since Klowns are utterly incompetent drivers, and since driver’s licenses are apparently issued as prizes in boxes of cereal, and even though they are literally traveling at 3km an hour, these fucktards will still manage to smash into each other.  Normal Klown protocol in the event of a fender bender is to stop in the middle of all traffic and wait for the insurance kompany to come, photograph the non-damage and send the K-idiots on their way to smash into someone else.  In the middle of the hell of holiday traffic, there is really no choice but to stop, not that Klowns would ever consider pulling over to the side of the road anyway.  Ambulances are sent, as are tow trucks, but of course the emergency vehicle shoulder lane is now full of bumper-to-bumper Klown Kars, so the emergency vehicles force their way between lanes of kars, sirens blaring, inching along (as Klown drivers refuse to move to the side for emergency vehicles) and generally making the whole holiday experience even more wonderful.

Klown highway rest stops are cirkuses on holidays.  Thousands of people jostling for a spot to piss and shit in washrooms so busy that no number of staff could hope to keep them clean.  There are not enough sinks or hand dryers, which matters little as Klowns rarely wash their hands, and if they do, it’s a splash of water with no soap and no drying.  This serves to ensure the spread of as many bacteria as possible as they paw and claw all over every surface with their dripping wet, filthy fucking hands.  The hoardes then line up – in true Klown fashion like pigs at a feeding trough – at the food vendors to buy such delicacies as octopus tentacles blasted with a torch, boiled potatoes (with toothpick included!), bean paste bread, mystery meat on a stick and instant noodles.  This food is largely responsible for the reprehensibly toxic state of Klown washrooms (see World of Shit).

Once the drive is complete, the driver (if said driver is a man) passes out on the floor at the relative’s house.  If the driver is a woman, she goes straight to the kitchen. 

4) Go bankrupt on gifts

How much would you pay for an apple?  You know, a nice enough, average red apple in a carboard box? How about $10?  Now how about a box of ten such apples for $100?  Or a fruit basket for $200?  Or a couple kilos of meat for $200?  Welcome to holiday gift shopping.

ImageNote that 1,000 won is approximately $1.00

To show how much you care for and respect the people in your life, you buy them overpriced foodstuffs.  One popular gift is SPAM.  Yes, you read that right, lips, hooves and assholes blended into a much and squeezed into a tin can SPAM.  What the rest of the world considers throw-away meat or perhaps soup kitchen meat is sold in presentation packs.  Packs of ten cans of SPAM sell for something like 50-60 bucks.


I suppose the idea is not so much as to show your piety by overspending as much as by demonstrating what a complete asshole and idiot you are.  Prostrating yourself in the form of a 20-dollar cantaloupe.

5) Leave deeply embittered and exhausted

Klown has some of the highest rates of divorce and suicide, as well as the lowest birth rates, in the world.  They also self-report some of the lowest levels of satisfaction, happiness and subjective well being in the OECD.  At the end of the holiday season, I imagine these stats look even more grim.  Korean holidays are a sado-masochistic orgy of suffering.  There is nothing celebratory about them.  the Klowns have managed to destroy the very, very few days away from their inefficient jobs and education systems so as to ensure no happiness whatsoever.

And that suits them just fine.

Martyring oneself, then passing the anger and resentment on down the social chain is the Klown way.  The Human Centipede.


Comfort Women

Ooooh!  Sensitive issue!  Hot button topic!

Is it though?  I mean, it is, but only in the sense that the crimes of the Nazis are “hot button topics”.

The Nazis industrialized death.  They did things so inhumane that sociologists and psychologists had to redefine their understanding of humanity.  Great, idealistic minds became pessimistic realists in the aftermath.  Today, however, the western world has moved on.  Actually, they moved on some time ago.  While there is always going to be a certain sideways resentment toward the Germans, intelligent and educated people who adhere to a principle called common sense realize that people are merely sheep who, unfortunately, are prone to blindly follow despotic leaders on occasion.  Any first year psych student has studied the classic experiments of psychologists like Milgram and Asche.  Their work on obedience and conformity show that, even without threat or incentive that approximately two thirds of all people will do what they are told to do by authority figures, even if that means casting aside human decency and morals.

Further, Germany and Japan are far from the only countries whose people have willingly, salivating-ly followed despots.  Obviously the masochistic North Koreans love their Kims, and the south has had a few monsters at the helm.  Just have a look at the Jeju Uprising (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeju_Uprising), a 1948 massacre of up to 60,000 people in the small island of Jeju by South Koreans.  Some 70% of the villages on the island were burned to the ground.  Victims were buried in mass graves.  This was more recent than WW2.  One interesting snippet: “The young men were executed, and girls were also executed after they had been gangraped over two weeks.”  Let’s come back to that one in a bit, shall we?

In Klown “culture”, Japan must never, ever be forgiven for the colonization of Korea.  Ever.  Now, before I continue, let me be clear in saying that I in no way condone the past actions of imperialist Japan.  I’m not excusing anything done in that time.  That being said… back to the “Japan is evil and must never be forgiven” thing.  There are few common topics in this vein for the glorious people of the Han:

Japan Desecrated Korea’s Wondrous Culture!

Koreans were poor, uneducated, largely illiterate farmers living in squalor prior to the Japanese colonization.  Unwilling to embrace concepts such as modern medicine, plumbing and engines, the absolutely dirt poor Koreans DID have such marvels as rotten (fine, “fermented”) cabbage, wine made from the feces of children (poo wine), architecture ripped off from the Chinese and a bastardized form of Confucianism (more on that in another post).  The Japanese came in and basically built the modern infrastructural foundation of the country, from roads to electrical wires to hospitals to schools.  Later, the Japanese economic model was copied… and by copied I mean that products that Japan was producing were plagiarized by Koreans and sold at an undercutting price due to the virtual slave labor wages at the time… establishing the foundation of “modern” Klown (where the Chinese are now cursed for copying Korean-made goods… oh the irony).  Basically, the parts of the Korean culture that were uniquely Korean – the clothing, the disgusting food, the traditional housing – were just fine.  The language was put at risk.  That is true… but anyone who has listened to a pair of Koreans “konversing” and a pair of Japanese people talking in human tones would have to wonder how much easier on the ears Klown would be if the Japanese had succeeded in replacing the local language with their own.  Korea before Japan? Mud hole. Korea after Japan? Somewhat better organized mud hole.  Is it that simple and cut-and-dry?  No.  Was the way in which the modern infrastructure of Klown established pleasant and morally sound?  No.  Was the “culture” here destroyed?  No.

Japan Has Never Apologized!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_war_apology_statements_issued_by_Japan  Shut the fuck up.

But… but… Comfort Women!

Ah-ha!  Okay, comfort women.  For those that don’t know, “comfort women” were women taken by the Japanese to serve as prostitutes for the soldiers.  Totally disgusting and reprehensible behavior.  Only some sick fucks would institutionalize prostitution on a large scale, right?  Right up there on par with forcing sexual favors in return for a livelihood, or frequenting underage sex workers, right?

As indignant and vocal as Klowns are about comfort women (nearly all of whom are now long dead as are the soldiers who raped them), it is hard, very hard, to sympathize.

In 2003 I read an article in a respected western newspaper that estimated the number of straight-up sex workers in Korea at 600,000+.  I’m going to guess that with kissing rooms, coffee whores and freelancers – not to mention what smartphone apps have done for the industry – that the number is well over a million today.  A million prostitutes!  In a tiny country that nearly no one wants to visit.  These prostitutes serve Korean johns almost exclusively (refusing service to non-Koreans).  They are EVERYWHERE – next to every school, near every family restaurant, along every boulevard.  Government workers, major corporations, SMEs, farmers… they all frequent whores.  It is very much socially accepted.

Forcing young women into sexual servitude is also part and parcel of the Klown entertainment industry.  It is occasionally forced into light by a high profile suicide, but it is generally understood that, if you want to be a professional entertainer, you must first be a professional in other ways.  Klown female entertainers are “sponsored” – for their clothes, [ineffectual] voice lessons and multiple plastic surgeries – by wealthy ajosshi.  This isn’t out of the goodness of the ajosshi’s blackened and cancerous heart.  The men in power in Korea find it a necessary part of life to cram cum down the gullets of young women who just want to sing and dance and act, certainly not find themselves the sperm repositories of the most unattractive men on earth.

Remember the quote above re: the Jeju Uprising? Self-explanatory here.

How about underage prostitutes?  Korean men are notorious as the leading consumer demographic for Southeast Asia’s whoring industry – particularly the underagers. As if having a million whores at home, all dedicated to serving none but the ajosshi, these Klowns still need to take their kimchi stink abroad to befoul some 12-year-old Filipinos.  Yeah, sickos from around the world do this, but the proportional representation by Koreans is telling.

So what’s the point?  Well, Koreans complaining about pressuring (even forcing) women into sexual servitude – and in particular getting all evangelical about abusing women via prostitution in general – is about as hypocritical as me complaining about someone not being culturally sensitive enough… or swearing too fucking frequently.  It’s akin to the recent US indigence over Chinese air pollution.  It’s like the Japanese whinging about disturbing, deviant German porn.

So now we have the world’s largest whoremongers complaining about the Japanese using women as whores – nearly a century ago, in wartime, under an insane dictatorship.  Building statues and staging protests… but why?  They’ll tell you it’s because Japan never apologized (see above).  If you debunk that, they’ll tell you it’s because there was no compensation for the victims. Well, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comfort_women#Apologies_and_compensation. It’s at this point that they’ll get red in the face and start screaming at you about the evils of prostitution… I’ve got $1,000 that says they’re standing less than 500m away from some form of brothel as they scream.

Move on Klown.  More civilized and socially-advanced countries own up to their failures in an effort to promote self-improvement.  In fact, isn’t self-criticism a Confucian tenet?  When you think about nations that still seethe and hiss over atrocities committed against their ancestors by some other national group’s ancestors to the point where healthy and normalized diplomacy is impossible, do you think about developed, first-world nations?  Or do you think about the Balkans?  Certain sub-Saharan African messes? The war-torn Middle East?  If Klown wants to be a first-world country, it’s going to take a lot more than some smartphones and window dressing; it’s going to take an upgrade in socialization from “3-year-old-throwing-tantrum” to “moderately well-adjusted grade 1 student”.


Urban Dictionary defines “Klown” as “A derogatory slang term for a Korean person, usually of a certain age (middle age and older). A Klown is, specifically, a Korean person who lacks a social conscience, community-mindedness, proper manners or common sense. Klowns are Koreans who have difficulty with even the simplest forms of locomotion and should never be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. Klowns are generally bigots who thoroughly enjoy (and feel entitled to) treat other people of a lower social class in disrespectful and insulting ways.”  But did you know that the word Klown can also be used to refer to the country of Korea?  North or South you ask?  It makes no difference; use the word in reference to either.

This is merely one of the fun facts you’ll find here at Klownisms!

Now perhaps you are searching the net, looking for sites describing life in South Korea, thinking over the prospect of moving here to teach English and experience a 5,000 year old “culture”.  If this is the case, I’m certain you will find this site eye-opening and a most useful tool in determining your future direction and course.

Perhaps you are a long term expat here, looking for a place where the frustration you feel is articulated by someone else, giving you a sense that you are not alone in your misery and self-loathing for having set up camp in a pig sty.

Perhaps you are a Korean (though it seems the most indignant and nationalistic Korean apologists are actually Koreans living abroad, far, far away from the Human Centipede that is Klown) and you are offended.  In that case, fuck off.  The time you spend playing internet Defender of the Han is far, far better spent trying to socialize your Kuntrymen.  Don’t like the failures of your Kulture vocalized?  Don’t talk to me, talk to the filthy ajosshi passed out on the kindergarten playground, pants pissed and soju bottle in hand.  Talk to the woman who decided to be a mother but not a parent.  Talk to the pharmaceutical companies or nuclear power plant parts manufacturers who falsify documents and test results to save more money… then later spend said money on whores and overpriced blended whiskey.

Or perhaps you are just looking for a reason to have whatever little idealistic faith in humanity that remains in your soul crushed mercilessly out of you… in which case I suggest you book a ticket to Seoul immediately.

Welcome to the Klown Show.